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Original poster

reported to social services - any experiences/ advice?

29 replies

angrywoman · 28/12/2011 20:54

This is for a friend who isn't on here but I am trying to give her good advice.
She is a LP. English is not her first language. She moved to the UK to marry her (now ex) husband. They have 2 children aged 3 and 6.
She has been back and forth to court with ex h trying to sort finances so under lots of stress. She has been told she must find work, sell the former home etc etc.
Hubby went off with another woman and the split was not amicable. He has the children over 1/14 nights and some tea times.
Another friend of hers who I havent met has helped her more. This friend called round to her house to drop something off to find her out at the shop and kids home alone (10 mins max?). She has now reported my friend to social services.
So, I have told my friend that they will probably want to visit and talk to her but not to worry too much and just assure them that it won't happen again.
BUT do you think her (delightful..) ex husband will be notified? What can she do?

OP posts:
EllenandBump · 28/12/2011 21:14

I had social services involved with my son when i was diagnosed with PND. They visited twice, said they would be in touch but i have heard nothing since and that was over 6months ago. I wouldnt worry. Could she not say that she heard the door but was going toilet, in the shower etc. Or had music on and didnt hear the door. It could be a lot easier. And i am sure she has learnt her lesson. x

Original poster
angrywoman · 28/12/2011 22:40

Apparently this friend says she needs to be taught a lesson. When my friend returned from shop either her daughter had let her friend in or she was outside waiting... Not good. Personally I think reporting to SS was too much and unfair. Aside from that I am worried that involvement from a SW could tip my friend over the edge if they for instance tell her ex hubby.
I do know from my own experience that SS can be surprisingly lapse. My ex was drinking too much and I had a couple of referrals through his going to a and e. I only got a letter a few days later which I followed up by calling THEM... Don't know how long it would have taken them to call/ visit. I had stopped my ex having unsupervised contact - but what about those who don't or have no idea about such a problem?

OP posts:
FannyBazaar · 29/12/2011 03:16

Ask your friend to talk to her Health Visitor, they can advise what normally happens and discuss things calmly.

Original poster
angrywoman · 29/12/2011 10:59

Ah, ok... Are HV's impartial? I would have thought that a SW would need to discuss things calmly in any case and possibly need to use their own common sense/ judgement.

OP posts:
QueenofWhatever · 29/12/2011 14:01

I had SS involved for a more serious child protection issue and they are spectacularly lapse. I chased for the visit and then they never followed up as they said they would.

I wouldn't recommend Ellen's advice about pretending not to hear the door, I would be honest and open. Also if they did follow it up I think they would only contact her ex if she was unable to cope with the kids and it sounds unlikely.

I second the advice about the health visitor and would also get in contact with HomeStart or other agencies that can offer her support.

Who has told her she must find work?

marcopront · 29/12/2011 17:10

What is her visa status? If she came here to marry him and has a visa based on the marriage, it will no longer be valid. If SS are involved they may look into this and that could be more of a problem.

jaffacake2 · 29/12/2011 17:20

Sorry but I think leaving her children who are very young to go to the shop is unacceptable and she needs to realise that. Accidents happen in houses and they are too young to cope with situations.Even answering the front door to the friend could have ended up with one of them wandering to the shop to find mummy or letting a stranger into the house.
SS would have a just cause to ask her questions about her ability to keep her children safe.

notveryinventive · 29/12/2011 18:26

She needs to be as honest as she can be with them. Ive had dealings with SS (for something completely different) and one thing they praised me and DH for was our honesty and willingness. They really see that if you are honest with them and are willing to let them help you then you must be good parents.

Someone at DD1s school has SS involvement for a similar issue apparently (yes it is gossip, but if its true - which the evidence suggests it is - this is relevant) and she just has to go on parenting courses.

They will come ask a few questions and take a look at how she's managing on her own. They will then decide if she needs their involvment or not. I would suggest here for her to be open and honest not just with them, but also herself. If it really was just a one off, and will NEVER happen again then tell the SS that, but if it really is something worse than that (ie happens regularly, or she is finding it difficult) then she must be honest as she will get the help she needs.

As for the ex finding out. Sorry have no clue in regards to that. good luck to her though.

paperscissorsstonelizzardspock · 29/12/2011 18:37

i agree honesty is the best policy, in terms of the ex husband it all depends on the actions that ss take, it is best for her to be honest about the relationship that your friend has with him. as they were married when the children were born he does have parental responsibility and so has a right to certain information, for example if there were any kind of formal meetings he would need to be invited.

Original poster
angrywoman · 29/12/2011 22:10

Interesting, thanks for your replies.
I am NOT saying her actions were acceptable. I just think this other 'friend' has done something that could make my friends situation a lot worse.
I hadn't thought of the visa aspect. Almost certain she would have got it through marriage.

OP posts:
marcopront · 29/12/2011 22:24

Unless she has been here long enough to have Indefinite Leave to Remain (ILR) which I think takes 10 years, she may be illegal if the marriage has broken down. Google UK resident for a very helpful forum on such matters.

Wittsend13 · 30/12/2011 00:19

I think the person who reported her is not what I would class as a friend. What a horrid thing to do. If I were her I'd have spoken to your friend and explain she can't do that. Goes to show sometimes the people you think have your back clearly don't Sad hope your friend sorts everything out x

cestlavielife · 30/12/2011 11:05

Maybe the friend has seen that the lady isn't seeking right support and this is only way? If she keeps leaving 3 and 6 alone at home that is a risk. The mother needs to be seeking support and should take her dc with her to the shop.
Without knowing circumstances it is hard to understand why she could not just take them with her.

So if the friend has done all she can and maybe reached point where she is not being listened too then maybe she felt ss was only way to ensure safety of the dc ?

Wittsend13 · 30/12/2011 11:31

Yeah maybe Cest. But if she hasn't then I think it's a nasty thing to have done.

Original poster
angrywoman · 30/12/2011 16:55

Cest the mother has been seeking help in counselling etc.
I wouldn't be calling the other friend a friend anymore myself....

OP posts:
frankie76 · 30/12/2011 17:20

Well I think she deserved to be reported and maybe get friend had the best interests of the children in her mind!

JustHecate · 30/12/2011 17:31

perhaps the friend saw that she had left a three year old and a six year old at home alone and felt that she needed some help? she had no way of knowing how long the mother had been gone or would be gone, whether this was a one off or a pattern of behaviour and perhaps she felt she had to act. this is, after all, about two very young children.

social services aren't demons. they aren't going to whip the children away, they will want to help your friend.

cestlavielife · 30/12/2011 23:44

support as in helping with kids, maybe practical help so she organizes her day /shopping so she doesnt need to even think to leave them alone to go to shop - advice that in uk we dont tend to leave under sevens on their own even for 10 minutes. that we would take them to the shops with us.

but - we dont know in what circumstances she left them or why she did that. eg were they both sleeping in bed was it evening? maybe understandable then...

if was middle of day hard to fathom why she didnt walk with the two dc to the shops... and yes she needs to be advised not to do it again...

but if dad is with the kids sometimes she has other times to shop?

thing is whatever the break up etc we have to put the kids first however hard it is

lisaro · 31/12/2011 03:58

I think the person did the right thing by the children. No one, whatever the circumstances, should leave a 3 and 6 year old just to go to the shop. You seem to look on it as 'telling tales'. Is that more important than child safety? It should not have happened. There's no excuse for what happened.

imaginethat · 31/12/2011 05:34

Whatever the motive of the friend who reported her, contact with SS may be a positive. It sounds as though the mother has far too much to cope with and SS may be able to help her. It may be a case of crisis presenting opportunity.

Look at it this way, she is on her own with two small children which anyone involved with kids knows is really hard. On top of that she has huge stress around the separation and ensuing court issues. She needs help, and maybe now she will get some.

I have a friend who leaves her baby at home alone and I have really struggled with knowing what to do, to the point of wondering whether I should report her.

Original poster
angrywoman · 31/12/2011 11:22

I wasn't there and I don't know how my friend responded to the threat of SS when she got back to find her friend waiting.
Pretty sure it was a one-off incident though.
I know a couple of local sw's and one told me all sorts about the job including that some are considerably harsher and less understanding than others.
I agree she should be honest about her situation and she might even get help. I am just concerned about her ex using it.
I wouldn't describe it as telling tales (are we back in the school yard?!) it just seems ill-considered and I would not choose to support a friend using unknown people who vary in their responses.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 31/12/2011 16:30

I also think the friend did the right thing, young children should not be left alone in a house whilst a parent shops. The other friend would not have been able to live with herself if she dud nothing and the next time something happened.

If her ex uses the situation then its only down to her own doing.

Loobyloo1902 · 31/12/2011 19:51

Wow, some pretty harsh comments here! I hope none of those with the quick fingered responders find themselves in a similar situation.... This poor woman should be getting a bit more help not being flamed at.

Things must be really tough for her, not her native country so perhaps not much of a support network, ex husband has the kids for one in 14 nights, not much of a break for her, ex went off with someone else, ouch! Bloody hell. I really hope SS do help her out and the ex has the kids a bit more because she sounds like she could do with a break.

nailak · 31/12/2011 20:08

I know someone who has indefinite leave who has been here only 6 years, so I don't think her visa is automatically invalid.

lisaro · 31/12/2011 20:12

Loobyloo - I also lived abroad with no family around. Occasionally not knowing anyone when new to a place. I had 3 kids and a DH away for months on end sometimes - I never left them to 'go to the shops', or anything else, for that matter. So I think maybe I am entitled to my 'harsh' opinion and being concerned for the welfare of the children.