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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Badmouthing me to my son - WWYD?

12 replies

tarotcard · 18/07/2011 22:17

I always think that my ex can't stoop any lower and then he does...

He dropped DS(7) off today, and the first thing DS said was that Daddy had called me a prostitute twice...and a bit later on he told me that Daddy said I 'sleep with boys' and also that Daddy ' wouldn't care if somebody killed me'. I've always known that Daddy badmouths me, but I didn't realise it would get quite so bad. This is his reaction I guess to the news that my current partner (who I've been with over a year) now stays over at our house.

WWYD? Because of my ex's utter hatred of me and resulting appalling and abusive behaviour, I have considered stopping contact many times in the past, but never have done - trying to manage it I suppose in the least damaging way for our son. But I am so shocked that he would use this kind of language in front of him...I guess I'm interested in other MN'ers reactions....

Thanks

OP posts:

StartAllOver · 18/07/2011 22:45

I'm sorry but i dont have any advice for u, i'd be fuming if that was my son hearing things like that, about anyone let alone me!!

Do you have anyone that could do a supervised visit with him? Thats about as civilised as i can think of...failing that tell him to do one till he can wash his mouth out and understand what is acceptable to be talking to his 7year old son about.

Or anyone who could maybe have a chat with him? maybe his parents? You've made it clear he doesnt like you and thats fine he doesnt have to like you, he does however need to grow up and realise your ds shouldnt be used like that.

grrrr. i'm peeved for u!!!

Original poster

tarotcard · 18/07/2011 22:51

Thanks StartAllOver. Sadly there isn't really anyone who could supervise as his family are miles away and he hates everyone that has any connection with me. I am thinking more and more of your other suggestion, ie to tell him to do one until he can behave more maturely. Although I don't ever see that happening..

OP posts:

StartAllOver · 18/07/2011 23:06

I always think its a last resort to stop contact(tho my ex isnt interested so i've got it easy) BUT i also think its unacceptable to say those sort of things and it sounds like ure ex cant see that yeah he's getting to you..but at his sons expense...

Someone will probably come along now and say its too harsh to stop contact for a while. But if there isnt anyone to be unbiased and speak to or supervise. then my argument would be that if it were the kid next door saying them sort of things i wouldnt hesitate to stop my ds going round there.

whiteandnerdy · 19/07/2011 09:45

OK, a good litmus test would be to think of a couple next door to you subjecting their children to such behaviour would social services remove the child from their parents into social care inorder to protect the child?

I have to put up with alot of this kind of behaviour it's more often it's alot more subtle such as "dad's a liar", "dad doesn't care", "dad stole money off me". The issue I is you can't simply say that's not true your other parent is wrong, you simply get two parents trying to undermine each other and the children simply stuck in the middle.

I as far as possible explain that just like children, lash out sometimes with "I hate you!!!" when their upset and they can't control their feelings. So parents also have feelings and sometimes it's hard for parents to control these feelings and they say things that they really don't mean or regret. And then I explain that sometimes I'm cross and I'll shout and be cross with the children.

Hopefully help them understand, but not try and alienate either parent. I did get the solicitor to write a letter about the issue of undermining me infront of the DCs to my Ex, I found it about as usefull as just burning money in all honesty.

OneHundredPercentFucked · 19/07/2011 23:36

My DC came home Sunday and called me a stupid fat cow. 4 years old. Wonder who they got that from?

Original poster

tarotcard · 20/07/2011 07:54

Thanks guys for your input.

So whiteandnerdy - are you saying that social services wouldn't remove a child who is subjected to this? I guess not, although wouldn't this be classified as a form of child abuse - ie emotional abuse? Not only hearing his father talking about his mother in this way, but also the use of such inappropriate sexual language in front of a 7 year old.

I know what your saying about a solicitor's letter - I have sent loads of letters to him the past about his behaviour and none of them have made any difference!

OP posts:

Smum99 · 20/07/2011 11:29

Good advice from white - my DH has had to deal with similar situations from his ex. Mostly he emphases that it isn't kind to speak about people like that and that it's OK for him to say please don't make unkind comments about dad. Children are given strategies at school to deal with name calling and I think this is much more effective than stopping contact. If your son was able to say he didn't like his parents to be called names then I think it's more likely to have an effect on the ex.

At other times DH has written an email to the ex asking her to refrain from specific comments as they are damaging and hurtful to DSS. i.e your dad didn't love you so left. I'm not sure if anything actually made a difference but the ex's behaviour has changed as DSS has got older as she knows she can't make too many negative comments as DSS make his own judgements and has learnt to stand up to unkind or name calling behaviour.

Smum99 · 20/07/2011 11:34

Just also to confirm - SS would not remove a children for this type of behaviour - it's name calling and certainly not good for emotional development.You only have to look at the cases where there has been awful child neglect and yet the children are kept with their mothers/fathers.

susiesheep2 · 20/07/2011 12:07

How awful, doesnt he realise that calling you names is as hurtful to the children as calling them names as they see their parents as an extension of themselves at this age.

I would seriously think about reducing contact, maybe get some advice from SS, you have the right to protect your child. DS will see ex for what he is in the long term, but awful he has to hear these things now. He shouldnt talk about anyone in this way to a 7oy, totally inappropirate, let alone their mother. There are some stupid * out there.

whiteandnerdy · 20/07/2011 12:39

OK, with one parent using name-calling to attempt to damage the relationship between the child and other parent. Stopping or reducing contact is also about affecting the relationship between a parent and their child.

It a very similar message to say I've had to stop you seeing your other parent because their a bad person, as your ex is saying to your child that "your a bad person beacuse ... etc ... etc ...". You personally may feel you have the justification, but also in the warped head of your ex he also feels justified in his actions. And really a 7 year old doesn't care about who of you feels they have more justification to mess with the relationship between them with their other parent.

Hence asking you to think more objectively about the relationship between child and parent and the affect that socail services would have on removing say the neighbours child from their family.

Selks · 20/07/2011 12:45

Social services will not remove for this!! It is emotional abuse, for sure, but children need to be at risk of serious harm for them to remove. Plus SS can't just remove, they need a court order - that's the law.
But it is emotionally damaging for your child to hear these things being said. I'd consider this against the possible benefits of him having contact (which after all should be a positive experience for him) and keep in mind the option of reducing or stopping contact if your ex won't stop this behaviour.

mrscolour · 20/07/2011 20:44

They are horrible things for you ex to be saying to your son and I would be livid in your situation.

At least your son feels he is able to tell you what his dad said and that says a lot about your relationship with him.

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it. Try and make sure that you continue to be the better person and not stoop to his level. In the long run, your son will respect you so much more and probably won't have much respect for his father.

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