Isolated in the US

[Freakyyellow]

I have so much to say and yet I feel like none of it is really worth hearing. I thought about looking for the topic ‘loneliness’ instead but this was the first one that jumped out at me.

I was born and raised in south west wales. My mother was a single mother and it was just her my sister and I. My mum was and is a bloody good mother. She did everything for us. We grew up very poor but we never wanted for anything because she is so brilliant. When I was 19 she and I moved to Norfolk and I lived with her a for a year before I got my first flat. Lots of stuff happened. A long physically abusive relationship followed by an emotionally abusive one, my son was born in 2016 and his father and I separated the week before his first birthday. We had problems with our downstairs neighbor and we were moved to our first house. That was it life was perfect! I had this wonderful 2 year old and we were free! The house was disgusting. The woman who died there had lived there for 30 years smoking heavily and it had seeped into the walls and under the paint so within the first day I was ripping it down. I was determined to be the kind of mother to my son that my mum was to me. I was going to give him a nice place to live and nothing was going to stop me. I was living off benefits because of life long depression and anxiety that had been made so much worse by the abuse I suffered so the budget was tight but I was doing it. We had this massive garden at the side of the house on a slope and filled with bushes and using hand I single handedly dug them all up, flattened the garden and made it my sanctuary. I was happy. In the best physical shape of my life, my mental health was the best it had ever been and I was a strong single mum.

back in 2020 there was a dispute with my sons father and we ended up in family court over custody and that hurt me. I spent a year fighting it and I won! But I felt I had lost a lot of the independent amazingness I had built for myself. Time passed and I thought about dating again, I thought online dating was the way since I’m quite shy and don’t really go out much. there were a few dodgy encounters and then I started talking to this wonderful, handsome, kind, truly decent man. He worked for the USAF and was based on a base near me. He had just moved there and had a son the same age as mine. We decided to get them together for a play date and what can I say, that’s how I met my husband! He is the best man I’ve ever known and I would follow him to the ends of the earth. That’s what brings us to the topic of this post ‘living abroad’. A few years passed and everything was wonderful, we had two more children a girl in 2023 and a boy in 2025 and he was coming to the end of his time there. He went through the processes he could to remain stationed there because of custody arrangements with my eldest but unfortunately it wasn’t to be. Then the news came. I remember it so clearly the day he sent the text “they are sending me to Louisiana.” I was devastated. We were already engaged to be married but I had to go through court again to ask for permission to take my son and this time there would be no legal aid. We got married and it was beautiful, his parents came over and his brother was there and my family came and it was just the most magical day. Court dragged out and had some serious hurt to deal out. Cafcass in particular were very unfair. While this was going on we were going up and down to the US embassy to do visa paperwork and getting duel nationality for the babies we had together. It was a really busy, really expensive time! The final court hearing was at the end of June 2025 and we were scheduled to fly out August 5th. We won. I couldn’t believe it! I wasn’t going to lose my son! I was so happy! The court order was that I was to bring him back to his dad every school holiday (that’s a week in October, a week in November, 3 weeks December- January, a week in March and then the summer from May - August) He stayed with his dad the last month and we got ready for the move. To out process my husband had to get rid of everything. So the lorry came to take our stuff and we wouldn’t see it again for 3 months. We lived for 2 weeks with no furniture out of suitcases until we had to get rid of the house. We moved into like a hotel apartment thing for 10 days which at least had furniture and a few days passed before we had to get rid of the car. I’ll never forget standing in the ASDA car park with a trolley loaded with car seats and my daughter watching the man from we buy any car drive our car away. She was only a year and a half but she knew it was our car and someone else was driving it and it upset her. Gradually I felt like my whole life was being packed up and thrown away. We moved into the premier inn at terminal 4 Heathrow for the last 10 days. We had plans, Thorpe park and Legoland and I could see them bright and clear but after that. The 5th of August in my mind was dark and blank. It felt like my life was going to end that day. We collected my son from his dad and we did Thorpe park and Legoland and museums and we waited. We still hadn’t been given our visas and we waited for them to be given to us. It was excruciating not knowing if my husband and two youngest would be leaving and we would have to wait for our visas before we could go. Eventually they came and before I knew it we were leaving the next day. That day was horrible! My husband had 7 massive suitcases with all the possessions we had left and he was going to take a taxi to the terminal and I was going to use the tube with the double pram, the babies and my son. Immediately there was a problem. Some kind of disruption that had meant traffic was backed up and the tube was backed up. We descended and there were so many people. People packed in on top of each other. It was hot and stuffy and there wasn’t space to move. We gradually made our way to terminal 3 underground. It took us about 3 hours to push our way through. I was fighting back tears genuinely believing at one point we would be crushed to death. We made it and I found my husband still in the check in line all those hours later. They called our flight and we had to run through the terminal to catch it with about a minute to spare. We took off and flew to Atlanta. I couldn’t believe how amazing the babies were that whole flight, our youngest was 7 months old and didn’t make a peep. My son had been convinced we would die on the plane but as soon as he got settled with his headphones and the tv he was happy. I was not. I felt like life was over.

we landed and it was hot! Horrible! It smelled funny and felt like everything was decorated in the 70s and then left that way. Our connecting flight didn’t connect and we would have to stay there over night. So we found a hotel and slept an hour or two before going back to the airport for our next flight. We made it without drama and landed in Shreveport Louisiana. Gross. I can’t describe the heat and humidity. It’s like being in the tropical house at the zoo all the time. We were met at the airport by my husbands mother and his son having spent the summer with us grandparents and my husbands new boss. They took us to a hotel that smelled like fox poo and was once again decorated in the 70s and just left that way. I was so unhappy. We stayed there for the first 10 days and then moved into base housing. Our house is pretty big. 4 bedrooms, all the amenities we needed once we got a washing machine and tumble dryer and eventually our stuff arrived on a lorry and we were able to unpack.

I don’t drive. Back home that’s fine. I did the school run on the bus and walked to the shops. That doesn’t work here. There are no pavements. Buses are filled with homeless people and the heat makes walking impractical especially with the distance from home to anywhere. We are completely broke from court, getting visas and green cards, the hotels we had to live in and the flights here. The Air Force was supposed to reimburse the flights and some hotel but due to a paperwork issue it’s been almost a year and nothing. To make it worse every holiday I have to fly my son back to London. 5 times we’ve done it now and it’s cost $11,500. We are so broke that the last 2 weeks of each month there is almost no food in the house. My husband works hard and makes good money but the debt we have means it doesn’t matter. That makes everything feel worse regardless of anything else. The boys go to school and my husband goes to work and then it’s just me and the babies. All day. Every day. No garden, nowhere reachable to go. It’s so hot so we are just in the house. I feel like all the freedom I had from being able to decorate my house to being able to get a bus and push my babies around sainsburys is gone. I feel so trapped and it’s driving me mad.

when we moved here i was 20 weeks pregnant. When we had our first scans here we found I had a Velamentous cord insertion and it would be a high risk pregnancy. It would be my second caesarean and this time he would be a preemie. I went into labor at 35 weeks and he spent 10 days in the NICU before we could bring him home. Because he was early there is actually less than a year between him and our previous son.

I complain and I am incredibly depressed, excruciatingly lonely and absolutely desperate but it’s not always bad. We had a holiday. At the beginning of the summer I flew my son home and then flew back and we made the 16 hour road trip up to Minnesota to my husbands parents. They agreed to look after the babies for a week so we dropped them off and we headed east. We are rollercoaster enthusiasts so we did SF Great America, kings island, kings dominion, Great Adventure and cedar point and it was amazing! We slept in the car because we couldn’t afford hotels and barely ate but it was so nice to spend time just my husband and I doing something we enjoyed. Not listening to screaming all day, changing nappy after nappy and being woken up at all hours of the night reminded me that this man is worth it. He is worth all the loneliness and depression and the hardship and the struggling. Most days it doesn’t feel like it but I know eventually this will end. We are hoping that in 2028 when our time here is done he can apply to go back to a base in the UK. We will save all those plane fares and I will be free again! I can’t wait to take my babies back on the bus just because we felt like going out, walk to the park and not get bitten by these horrible gross bugs the whole time, visit my mum and my sister and my dad and my nan again! Get out in the garden and make a sanctuary for the kids to play in. So may things I’m looking forward to. If we can get back there 🤞🏻

this post was long and rambling without much direction to it. If anyone actually read it then thank you so much for taking that time. I guess at this point I feel so desperate to connect that it seemed like a good idea. I didn’t really know what I was going to write or talk about and so it’s just kinda a mess.

I read all of it! 😊

Initially I thought it was going to be about someone stuck in a loveless relationship with no way of moving back to the UK due to custody issues. Things sound less than ideal for you at the moment in terms of finances etc. but you sound happy with the core of your life; your kids and your husband. Finances sound stretched and it can't be easy having five (?) young children without a huge support network around you. I think you write well and should maybe dedicate some time to that each day, just a way of getting your thoughts out and fleshing through your emotions. Doing something for yourself, something other than nappy changing and enduring humidity.

Are there other mothers on the base who you can connect with? Even having one good friend can make a massive difference in tackling loneliness and boredom.

I’m sorry you’re suffering, and especially so far from home. Please don’t underestimate how much Americans love the British and will want to befriend you because you have a lovely accent and are “exotic” to them. I would find a community area on the base, make some Welsh cakes, a Victoria sponge, and a lemon drizzle, and have a “social.” Find the playground, take some tea, and talk to everyone. Those women will be in the same position, lonely and looking for friendship and support. Best wishes, 🌷

Thank you so much for taking that time. I am happy with the building blocks of life. My husband is amazing and my (yes 5 kids) are all a joy each and every day. It’s this trapped feeling I can’t shake. There just dosent seem to be any opportunity to be independent and do things that aren't choosing what to make for dinner or which load of laundry to wash first. There are probably a thousand family’s here in base housing. It’s weird though because there’s never anyone outside! Honestly it’s like a ghost town! No kids playing in the street, no mothers chatting over fences. Everyone just is either in their house or out so there really aren’t many opportunities to meet people. I’m not really a social media type person so I don’t do all that connecting online and stuff like that. This was actually a recommendation my sister made a few years ago that I’m only now following through with 😅 I think being heard helps a lot. Just knowing that another person is listening and I’m not just lost and shut away in this house feels like a relief. So thank you ☺️

Is there any reason why you can't drive? Your horizons are going to be much bigger if you can, and driving in the US (in an automatic) is a lot easier than in the UK (I'm also British, also in US and though I had my license from the UK, I literally never used it til I came here, so basically did learn to drive in the US.)

Honestly please take this in ten spirit its meant. You sound incredibly anxious. Could you possibly have PND? Woild Yoh consider speaking to a doctor bout it and getting some help?
It's very easy to drive in the states all cars are automatic and it will give you some freedom.
There must be a mother and baby group on the camp and if there isn't consider starting one or at least reaching out to other mum's on the base. It seems you have a good guy there, things will get better I promise

is there any childcare on base ypu couod put dc in even for two mornings a week or something?

Are there shops you could get a job in? you’d meet people that way. or does your visa not allow you to work?

Is there any way you could start learning to drive? That’s the one thing that will help keep you connected in the U.S., especially outside of big cities. Your husband should be able to teach you.

Is there a local FB group you could join?

There's definitely a settling in period, they say it takes up to 2 years to fully settle.
I live in the south so understand humidity/bugs but the fall/winter should be more palatable.
Second trying to learn how to drive, it will open up a whole other world.
Honestly though, you need to put yourself out there. If the kids are at school, can you join school/sports club? Meet up etc. If you're trapped at home 24/7 you're never going to assimilate.

That sounds hard, and £11k on travel in a year, plus the general expectation to do all of that travel at specific times pretty close to each other, would be enough to get anyone down and cause financial stress.

Get your drivers licence. I follow someone online (a Brit) who moved to the US last year but was unable to drive straightaway due to paperwork issues with exchanging her licence, meaning she was relying on rare days her husband wasn’t working to go anywhere. She recently got her US licence and the change in her happiness by just being able to go and get a coffee or pop to the shops is noticeable.

Imo that’s definitely one of the “quicker” wins you can do that will be life changing. Yes it’ll help with kid related stuff but too but more than anything it will allow you more freedom and opportunity to do things for yourself outside of just being “mummy”

Have you joined any mom’s groups on base? I know it’s hard, but you need to take advantage of the support systems available to families. Every time I am on base, I see groups of women with their young children engaging in various activities. I too live in a place that is ridiculously humid and hot, but tend to make my visits very early in the morning.

You also need to learn to drive. Go get your learner’s permit. It’s not difficult. I don’t know the laws in LA, but in most states it is not hard for an adult to get their license. Even if you need to pay for some private lessons, your husband can likely be your primary instructor. The test here is easy. My 14 year old who was by no means a savant passed on her first try.

Oh gosh. You need to get connected on base. There’s loads of women there all disconnected from their families. Have you been in touch with your Family Readiness Group? Military has quite a few resources.

i do recommend learning to drive. Shreveport is not great. A friend was stationed at Barksdale and he said it was his least favourite posting. People probably aren’t outside this time of year because it’s so hot.

OP, I think you need some professional help with your mental health. You've had MH issues in the past, and it's entirely possible you have PND.

You are very hyper focused on being able to return to the UK in 2028, when your husband is relocated again. With the greatest will in the world, you have absolutely no idea if this is likely to happen or not, no more than your husband does. He's part of the USAF, and could just as easily be posted to another base in the US or elsewhere abroad.

You have to take steps to help yourself. That means you need to find out what facilities there are on the base. I'd be surprised if there wasn't at the very least a mum and baby group. There is likely other provision for wives and families on the base. In order for you to 'settle' you have to make the effort to research what's available and make yourself interact with others. None of this is going to drop out of the sky, into your lap.

You need to learn to drive in the US. Places tend to be larger distances, than here in the UK, so it will give you more freedom. The vast majority of people in the US drive automatic cars, which is easier to learn, than a manual.

It may be possible for you to work a few hours, if you can find child care provision and learn to drive. It would give the family extra money, and you some independence, which will help your MH.

You having to travel to/from the US to the UK, so your son can see his Dad, is something that is going to be continuing for several more years, until your son reaches 18 or until he reaches an age where he can do this journey on his own.

All this, and professional help with your MH.

I can identify with most of that. I married a US serviceman and lived in the US.

I hated it. I did settle in a bit when I got a drivers licence and a job, but even then it was always a very foreign, alien place (and I've lived and worked in multiple other countries and not felt that way). I hated the car culture. The need to drive everywhere. Although on the positive side, at least you live on base. Living off base is totally isolating, because there's no public transport and it probably isn't safe to walk around (it wasn't when I lived there and US violence is even worse now).

Does your military housing not have a garden? That is very unusual. And if you live on base, are there no parks or playgrounds you can get out to? There are almost always amenities for families, particularly when you're living in a neighbourhood of large family homes.

Also, these days, with social media, there must be a wives group online. Find it and try to track down some other British wives. Because there will be some. You might not be able to drive, but you could ask them over for playdates and for coffee.

It's also necessary to understand that there is no guarantee he gets a positing back to the UK. He can apply, but he'll only be sent if there is a need. So don't pin all of your hopes on that.

And I'd say finally, do something about your fertility (and also your depression). You now have A LOT of children between you. Constantly having babies is a very very big part of why you feel so trapped. Don't add more to it. And see the doctor about the depression.

I also agree with the other posters about getting a drivers licence. The test in the US is super easy. Drive around a car park. You might have to parallel park. Emergency stop. But that's it. Very very easy compared to the UK driving test.

Thank you everyone for reading and replying to my post. Your advice is all very much appreciated ❤️

so the driving thing is something my husband keeps bringing up. I know I should. I suffered from anxiety for years of my life but it had been much better the past 5 years or so. The idea of driving here makes me very anxious! Half the cars here are driving around with missing bumpers and giant dents and all I can think is that I would be driving the most precious things in the world around and seeing these damaged cars everywhere dosent give me confidence! There’s also the issue that we couldn’t afford to get a second car so I would have to drive my husband to work any day I had the car. I can already hear you all saying ‘that’s not the worst thing!’ But there are times my husband needs to drive around base unexpectedly for his job so it feels like a real inconvenience to him. I do get it though, I need to try at least! And I will when we can have the time and money to go get the permit.

I considered post natal depression for a while there, the thing is that I felt like this even before he was born and my babies are the only things that bring me joy! They are all so different and so wonderful and watching them play and learn new things is a gift each day. I don’t resent them or feel like they trapped me, honestly if anything I feel it’s my own self imposed restrictions based off learned behavior from years of anxiety that hold me back more.

trying to remember everyone’s advice/ questions. No, no garden we have a sliding glass door that leads to a very small covered patio and then it’s just open grass backing on to the woods and then a very big gross lake. We started pinning up bug nets to the roof of the patio and we were gonna get some temporary fencing you push into the ground to pin the bottom of the nets down so we could make the space usable and secure to take the kids out with a little paddling pool or a water table and stuff just for the change of scenery. We never got to the fencing because it was again time for a round of flights and it’s been so hard since. The past 2 months we’ve barely had food to get to the end of the month so obviously we have prioritized that. There are playgrounds and I’ve taken the babies out there but it’s so hot that it burns my daughter’s skin when she touches it so daytime usage isn’t practical. There is an outdoor pool here on base that we have a key for but I can only use it with my husband because my daughters a daredevil and will run around the pool and jump in expecting you to catch her without earrings and I can’t get to her quick enough while holding my son! My husbands job is pretty stressful, he’s recently been given a lot of extra responsibilities and when he gets home he doesn’t want to go out and do things he just wants to be at home and relax. I have to take that into account a lot of the time.

the mental health thing, so I had depression for years. I know the warning signs and I know I have them! I reach out and talk to my mum and sister when I can but I don’t want to burden them. I’ve told my husband I’m worried about my mental health but it’s a very touchy subject. Small background, my husbands first wife and the mother of his son had some really serious mental health issues. She was the only woman other than me he had ever been with and he spent years trying to support her. She had psychosis, ptsd, bipolar disorder, adhd and some other things (he dosent really like to talk about it so these are things I found out from his family and things he has said) she was hospitalized a number of times and due to her issues she was restricted by a court from ever being alone with her son. She phases in and out of having any interest with him, sometimes it’s super intense and she will send him loads of random stuff she watch him sleep on video calls etc and then she will disappear for a year at a time. Anyway his experience with her was scaring and really coloured his view on mental health. It’s interesting because despite knowing she was very ill and that these conditions are real he believes that depression is in the head and you can chose to not feel that way. His son has been diagnosed as autistic and he believes that’s in the head, not real and he can overcome it with willpower. Our middle son shows signs of being on the spectrum and I’ve said a number of times that I think we should seek support for him to help him develop at the sane rate as his peers but again ‘it’s not real. I don’t think everyone should label everything’. So when I talk about concern over my mental health it’s very much disregarded as something I could overcome if I tried. And I am trying.

what else was there? Childcare, so we can’t afford to pay for childcare obviously at the moment. We have our daughter on the list for the child development centre here on base but we are considered a very low priority since I’m a stay at home mum and there are families with two working parents that need it more. That’s kinda a no go for now because of that unfortunately.

mother baby groups, I have been looking out at the bulletin boards at the commissary and the bx but haven’t seen anything.

someone said something about the winter being better and yes that’s right, last winter was the first time we were able to go outside comfortably! We were in the outdoor unheated pool at the end of October!

yes I do have a lot pinned on being able to go back to the uk that’s true but I am fully aware that might not be the case. The situation is that we can stay here at Barksdale until my husband retires if he wants. He dosent want he hates it here as much as I do! If we can’t get back to the UK then we will apply for a base up north, Ohio is something. When we traveled around I found the north sooooo much better! He’s from Minnesota so he prefers the north too. Our eventual plan when he retires and the kids are older is that we will retire here in the US. Colorado or perhaps Ohio. I don’t hate all of America, just here! We both hate it here.

I can’t remember anything anyone else said but thank you everyone. I know that I’m the only one that can do anything to change my situation and whining about it won’t help. BUT I feel like opening up and talking about it was a very important first step. Venting helps to depressurize the feelings of hopelessness and look at the situation practically. For right now I’m looking so forward to collecting my baby boy on the 31st! Well he’s 9 so not a baby but he’ll always be my baby 🥰 I haven’t seen him since May and it’s the longest I’ve ever been without him. I’ve promised him a trip to the natural history museum just the two of us before we fly home and I can’t wait to wrap my arms around him and have him tell me all about his summer. Baby River was only 4 months old when he left and now he’s 7 months old and super fat! Eli started walking since he saw him last and Gwen has grown so much. He’s gonna be so excited to see them all.

Apologies I was feeding River while I wrote that and didn’t proofread it before posting. I’ve seen a number of auto corrects that I didn’t notice and that kind of thing really annoys me! So I’m sorry that some of those sentences don’t make sense ‘my daughter expects me to catch her without earnings?!’ 🤦🏼‍♀️ without warning! There are a few bits like that throughout.

I'm an American and ex-military. Sorry you're having a rough go of it, OP. I agree that summer in LA is no fun, and being further north would be more pleasant. But being in base housing is a big plus socially. You do have to put yourself out there a bit to build your network. There's a Facebook group for Barksdale military spouses:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/327699960769965/

Start there. It's a private group, so hit the blue "join group" button at the top of the page to get started. In my experience, military spouses are incredibly supportive of each other.

i know there’s a lot to answer but i’d suggested you get a part time job, even just two mornings a week or whatever to help you meet people and get a little money.

i know you dont want to leave your kids but kids grow up and move out eventually so you need your own social circle too. if you work you could get a place in the base childcare facility? getting out your own head as you’d be talking to others would be good for you.

re your mental health i’d seek counselling to help you. your husband could benefit from that too but i doubt hed go as hes too busy avoiding all thought if mental illness.