13yo DD has decided she hates me because Im a lesbian

[jilly7974]

Im really at my wits end about my 13yo DD. Iv been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we are due to have get married next week.

I have 2 other dc, ds 15 and dd 10, both are fine with my relationship and get on great with my partner.

DD has been in a bit of trouble, running away, skiving school etc over the last few months and has now told me its all my fault because Im a lesbian and that she hates my partner and always will. Im absolutely devastated by it all.

I was previously married but seperated 5 years ago, we never had a great relationship and I knew I was gay for a long time. My dc see their dad every other weekend and we all have a reasonable relationship now.

DD has now decided that she wants to live with her dad and refuses to come to the wedding next week. She is currently staying at my parents as its the school holidays and now wont even speak to me on the phone.

My partner and other 2 dc are really upset by it all but Iv no idea how to fix this mess!

hey jilly, didnt want your post to go unanswered, though im not sure i have any great advice sorry!

im wondering if this is a result of bullying at school, ifshe is getting pick on about your sexuality, so she sees it as your fault!!

my kids are only , 2, 4 and 6 atm but it scares me how there thoughts on me and my partner when they are teenagers!

Jilly, you know, kids can be pretty nasty, and like dustycups, maybe she's getting some bullying, I don't know. i was bullied at school for a long time because of my sexuality, and it was nasty to say the least. Maybe you should try and sit her down and ask her (appreciate it may not be as easy as that) whats going on at school and things.

no experience of this - dd is only 2, so early days...

in your position, i would be having a serious conversation with her father and my parents: i am not sure that it would be that helpful,in the longer run, to let her just move out. 13 is a pretty terrible point in adolescence and there may be things going on at school, as others have said. does her brother get on well with her? is her father willing to talk to her about her feelings about this? i think all you can do is let her know that you love her, even if her feelings about your sexuality and relationship are hurtful to you.

i'm sorry, i know this must be awful. hopefully she'll grow out of it.

It's possible that the "because you're a lesbian" thing is a red herring that she's just throwing up as an excuse for acting out, because she thinks you'll be hurt by it or that you feel guilty, and then she will be cut more slack.

I'm still upset about my dad marrying his (perfectly nice) partner because since the divorce he hasn't had much time for me, and a wedding feels like an irreversible step towards this being a permanent state of affairs. It could be nothing like that, but I thought I'd mention it as a piece of anecdata.

I agree with terraspawn. It's something you probably feel defensive about and so it's the go-to thing to throw at you when she's angry.

Unless she's getting bullied and you don't know about it.

How does your partner treat her? Is your partner like a stepmother? Does she see herself with a mothering role or is she just tolerating your children as part of the package of being with you? Your daughter may want to get away if she doesn't feel welcomed by your partner.