Supporting my 16 year old who wants to transition socially

[Surenonstop]

Hi
My daughter has told that she wants to be a boy. She told me this over text as she wasn't sure how to tell me. I responded instantly and told her that regardless of anything I love her no matter what, she responded by saying that she wasn't sure how she would feel talking to me face to face about it (she was at a sleepover, so she purposely told me when she knew that we wouldn't see each other for a day). In summary my response was positive, which she gave me a love reaction.
She has started 6th form this month and has told the teachers that she want to be refered to a s a male, and has a male name. Again I'm not really bothered by this.
Today she has broken down as she feels like I've totally dismissed her feelings. I will admit that I haven't really spoken to her much about it since the beginning of this month (just before school) as I wasn't sure how to approach it in all honesty, and she also said at the beginning of this month that she wasnt sure how she walk talk to me about it.
Anyway today we had bit of a heart to heart and I apologised and told her truly from my part that I am struggling with it, not that I have a problem, im just not quite sure how to approach it. Told her that this is a journey and Im sorry if I haven't adapted to it as well as she thought. I have agreed to call her by her male name, but i slip up at times which infuriates her.
She is also autistic (diagnosed), so she is very black and white which doesnt help when trying to have a conversation and understand someone else's side of things.
She is also very naive for her age.
She has told me that she want to be a boy for ages. When I asked her how long, she respnded by saying 4 months ago. To her that is ages, to me I dont think it is. But again I dont want to belittle her feelings, but i do feel that its a bit rushed.
Has anyone else been in this situation? At the end of the day, I love her dearly and I know I have to accept her or I will loose her.
She has just turned 16.
She has also said that she doesnt want to change her sex, just her gender identity.
I'm also aware as I'm re reading this that I've refered to her as a female rather than a male! Which is something I want to change, but it feels so weird referring to her as a him when Im writing.

Forgot to add, I also have a daughter who is 10. Ive told my eldest that I dont think she should know for now as she is too young to properly understand. This is something we had a massive disagreement on. She believes she is old enough to know and I'm being unsupportive. This type of conversation is something im struggling with the most, as she found this subject very black and white.

If she is very black and white then surely she is aware that sex is immutable and you can’t change sex? Read the Cass Report - social transition isn’t neutral.

Like I said, she says that she doenst want to change sex, she wants to change her gender identity!

All that changing her gender identity amounts to is performing gender stereotypes associated with the opposite sex, plus a name change. So clothing, hairstyles, hobbies and so on. Is she prepared to 'perform' male, be louder, interrupt more, be aggressive, more overtly sexually interested?
Or is she full of loathing for feminine stereotypes? I would guess the latter and have every sympathy with that. You can reassure her she doesn't have to act like a stereotype to be female, she can just be herself.

It is good that you communicate with her as you are in the perfect position to explain to her that that she can’t be a boy as she is a girl.

She has obviously been influenced by the move to sixth form, where there is pressure to be edgy and different.

Sit her down and talk about it, or car journeys are great for discussions as eye contact cannot be made so allows the talk to be less intense.

Explain that there is a huge difference between sex and gender, she can’t change sex and definitely call her by her actual name not some made up nonsense.

Who else was at the sleepover?

It sounds tricky if she is going to react so strongly to every question or comment.

It’s true that I don’t see how you could keep this from your ten year old. What are you planning to do about that - just to say that your dd1 wants to be called new name X and he/him? I think you probably need to say something of that sort at least.

On the positive side, she does seem to be going fairly slowly. Does she normally have friends? My guess is that as she encounters entire friend groups who have all transitioned in some form, things could speed up.

No social transition is not neutral, but she is also 16 years old (though sounds young for it). This is not a little kid, she’s late adolescent.

I suppose I would look to spend as much time talking about and doing things unrelated to transition as possible.

Also don’t be gaslit in to thinking not agreeing with her to pretend she’s a boy means you are ‘not supporting her’ or ‘going to lose her’. This is no different to any other parenting decision where you need to say no to your child for their own benefit.

MN is very anti trans, I’m afraid you won’t get too many supportive comments here.

Incorrect, Mumsnet is a very supportive and realistic place. However many are rightly against children being coerced into an ideology which can have catastrophic implications for them long term, such as puberty blockers and mutilation in the form of surgery - top surgery for girls where their healthy breasts are removed. Long term medicalisation of bodies at huge expense and the long term mental health issues around detransitation. Also hugely against the eradication of women’s sex based rights.

Fundamentally against lying to children and pretending that the impossible is possible. It is as we all know impossible to change sex.

Mumsnet is made up of millions of mums from all sorts of different demographics. We are teachers, doctors, nurses, office workers, all sorts. Yes, most of us are thankfully aware that people can’t change sex. And we’re every where. So, if you decide to lie to your child that they can turn in to an actual male when they’re female, what you are setting them up for is a lifetime of them meeting people everywhere who know full well they’re female and won’t pretend they’re not. I would say it ‘is’ supportive to tell the truth to your child, rather than lying, because the vast majority of the world will not go along with your lie.

I agree with this statement…. There is definitely a very large demographic of people with this opinion. I notice they all respond the same to these threads.

If you would like some good support with the point of view of your trans son, then maybe try the Reddit trans pages - they are more than happy to give you a view from their side, and would help you get a different prospective.