Daughter has come out to me

[justilou1]

My daughter has come out to me, which is great. It wasn’t a surprise and I’m glad she finally feels safe to do so. She hasn’t come out to her Dad, and has made me promise not to tell him. He’s devastated that she doesn’t trust him. (Obviously, it’s not an issue for either of us, or between us, but he’s sad about it. I’m sure she will open up in time.) I’m worried now that suddenly she’s having issues eating. She claims that it’s anxiety-related nausea, but I am worried that it may be turning into an eating disorder. She stares longingly at her food after taking a few bites and pushing it away. I am going to email her counsellor. Is this a common theme?

What age is your daughter? It sounds like she is anxious and unhappy - I would focus on how you can help her with that, and not specifically on her sexuality or whether she has an eating disorder. Are you able to talk to her about how she is feeling, what she is finding difficult etc.?

She’s 16, and we’re really not focused on her sexuality at all. As I said, it wasn’t a surprise, and it’s not an issue. We’re very close, but not in that weird best friend way. I’m very much her Mum. She does talk to me about life in general, and what’s worrying her - there’s a lot going on atm, and as I said, her counsellor is great. She is just about to be assessed for ASD, but the tummy thing has been happening since before then. The ASD symptoms are related to her unhappiness - social anxiety, introversion, social awkwardness, etc. She also worries about her school pressures (high achiever - we don’t push her) the very large social issues, like climate change, bastard right wing politicians, Covid, world poverty, inequality, etc... (who doesn’t?) and expresses a general sense of despair for her generation - like there is no future for any of them. I am positive in my language about them, calling them the future builders, stating that it is people like her who have the insight to make changes, etc, but repeatedly explaining that one person can’t change all - it is up to her generation to each make the many small changes for it to be big enough. She’s a deep thinker, that one! Her school have been amazing, and I couldn’t ask for better. I just want her to eat!!! (Btw, my mum was anorexic and tried to force that life on me, so I’m probably hyper-aware of eating disorders, and can’t risk that cooking up for this girl. She’s too vulnerable as it is!)

How does he know about it to be devastated if you promised not to tell him?

Erm I am gay and I am not aware of eating disorders being more common amongst lesbians ( but mental health issues generally are). I hope things improve for you.