Dd age 13 confused sexuality at girls school - change school?

[nickygal69]

Hi, First off I absolutely don't mind if my Dd ends up lesbian, but she is only just 13, never showed any inclination before she joined this group of eccentrics at her girls school 6months ago (she was feeling rather lonely at school having rejected her friends in preference for her phone in lunch in breaks). They all have various issues - depression, anxiety, OCD, confused sexuality, self-harming, loads of gay chat online and low and behold 5 months later, she decides she likes one of the girls so much that she is gay too and also now has most of the fore-mentioned issues. We are facilitating her seeing her girlfriend and talking about it openly, but just asking her to keep an open mind. She won't attend any clubs in or out of school and does not mix with boys socially. So while she is figuring her sexuality out, I just wondered if it might be better for her to be in a co-ed environment so she can experience boys and girls. I'm read that their early experiences have huge impact on their direction in life, so if she hangs with this extreme girls group (she calls it her cult), by age 18 she might pretty much have decided that's that...

I don't think I'd be overly worried about the lesbian stuff (although I don't know much about how it might or might not influence future sexuality), but the self-harming would terrify me, especially if DD had started doing it too. Does she seem happy with her new friends? Hope somebody with some experience in these matters is along soon...

First she drew all over herself with marker pens, writing about her gayness and girlfriends. Then 2 months ago she started scraping her arms/wrists with pins. Recently she has found razors and cut herself with them. It’s horrifying, but you are told not to react/ask questions, and I have to act like it’s all ok /life as usual and just keep buying plasters and trying distraction techniques. My son is age 11 and it’s all very confusing and sometimes upsetting for him. The school have told us that ‘gay self-harming emos’ are very much in fashion, and I’ve since learnt that 1 in 4 girls self harm. The pharmacist was shocked when I asked for scar creams and explained. But my daughter obviously now feels in with a cool crowd who don’t care about anything or anyone (even their own bodies), say whatever they think and get attention for it. She finally feels like she has proper friends . I worry that if I move her she’ll do worse, but then this group doesn’t seem healthy for her. Girls mature early and in these academic schools they get very ‘into their heads’. It’s a whole world most of us don’t hear about. And it’s hard to get help too...6 or more weeks on Nhs. We are paying for private psychiatrist now. Her girlfriend has been moved to a new school...that is going to make her worse... ahh!

For everyones sake, have you considered a good boarding school miles away from these girls. Good luck.xx

Ah, I was a gay self harming emo, except we weren’t emi’s cause they didn’t exist.
6 girls. 1 is a well adjusted lesbian, 2 well adjusted bisexuals, 1 less well adjusted bisexual (me), 1 married to a bloke (dont know their label) and 1 I’ve lost touch with.

I would say that girls school is going to result in experimentation. I don’t think that did me any harm and as a young adult I was much more confident in talking about sexuality than my peers.
The anxiety/depression/self harm stuff is different. You’re doing the right things, taking advice and taking it seriously. I’d say keep an eye out for drug and alcohol misuse because that amplifies everything.
Honestly I had a really strong bond with those girls and it is good to be in a group at that age.
High school doesn’t last forever so maybe try and keep her eye on the future too? That’s when all sorted ourselves out.

I find this all very strange as the focus is on her being gay. It doesn’t matter if she is or isn’t and what influences her in either direction. It’s as if she was into guys and you were writing a post horrified that she’s been pushed into it and thinking of pushing her into a girls school to rectify it, it would sound utterly nuts.

On the other hand, you have a child who is harming herself and this seems to be more of a side note. What a lot of people don’t get is that even if someone cuts for attention or to be in with a certain crowd, their still pushing a razor into their own skin. It’s not drinking or smoking etc. it hurts, a lot. Someone has to be legitimately mentally ill to get to the point where they can do that, it can’t be just dismissed as her copying “those other girls”, she’s one of them. I think your focus needs to be on this not going any further as that could have disastrous consequences beyond a few scars. It’s good that she’s seeing a psychiatrist now, this needs to be the main focus, not her being gay or not gay as that won’t kill her, whereas this can.

It's a little strange that you seem to think that your DD being a lesbian is more worrying than self harm.

Her being gay is the very least of your worries

I would probably move her
Not because of the gay thing but more the other mental health issues in question. Though I'm sure if she is only around girls that will lead her to experiment more with girls and whether she stays in that school or not she may decide yes girls are for her or no she's more into guys. Unless you're worried she may never feel comfortable contemplating the fact that she may not actually be gay because she never got that interaction with males and therefore be confused later in life, which is a valid concern.
Moving her would be good because the click she seems to have gravitated towards seem dangerous and because it may let her feel more comfortable socialising with girls and boys. Even if she decides she is gay, she will still need to socialise with males at some point in life, even on a professional or platonic friend level.
Out of curiosity what made you choose an all girls school?

Being 13 she should be having girlfriends or boyfriends and focusing on schoolwork.
It sounds like they are spending too much time on being cool and less achieving.
Get her out of the friendship circle before she is old enough to refuse.
And get the app that means you see her messages.

It's not the girls school that is the issue it is the crowd. You get them in every school. I think she just needs some time out to find herself instead of getting caught up in teen fashions. Is a family gap year an option? Or maybe a year abroad on a language exchange program? Failing that just move her to a different school and hopes he finds a better group of friends.

Gosh, OP, huge sympathies - not because of your daughter's sexuality but everything else. What a challenging time for you all. I'm usually resistant to changing schools unless absolutely necessary, but here I would. Calling a friendship group a cult? Yikes.

I think her sexuality is the least of your worries.

for everyones sake, have you considered a good boarding school miles away from these girls. Good luck.xx

At least a quarter of the girls at my single sex boarding school were self harming 15 years ago. Boarding school is about the worst suggestion for good mental health outcome.

This was my DD at that age, you are doing absolutely the right thing at the moment. I wouldn't mover her, she's struggled with friendships and now she's found a group she'll only resent you if you take that away from her. It will pass, my DD is still friends with most of her group three years later, but they've matured a lot now. No more SH, some who said they were gay now have boyfriends and some don't but the drama of it all has passed.

Is her school high achieving? My DD's s and I think there's a lot of pressure that can lead to problems. As you get closer to GCSE's my advice is to make sure they don't feel that same pressure from you.

Thanks for all your replies. It’s good to get different perspectives when one has so much to deal with. People were right to say focus on self harm etc rather than gay issue, but I guess because her sexual confusions seem to have triggered it all, that is where I started. And it’s because these brainy girls (yes it’s a highly academic school) are so ‘into their heads’ and bang on about gayness - which I don’t think they would do quite so loudly if they were in a coed school or normal working/social environment. So I kind of feel the environment encourages gayness too much. After all, the heterosexuals don’t paint rainbows and banners and joke about their sexuality every time someone passes by (I know...immaturity, but...). Chn age 12 or younger are trying to label themselves as one of these many sexualities (half of which most of us don’t even understand !) before they have really experienced life.
And yes it’s true that these girls don’t seem to care about achieving at school anymore...not good.
But it seems that her group are her mental health support network for now & it would be too dangerous to remove that right now. Given time yes...if the group are still too whacky (& I’m not talking about gayness here!) then it would be better to get her into a new environment.

For now it’s a case of trying to retain parenting boundaries while walking on eggshells, as every time I say anything firmish (& I never shout!) I’m worried she’ll get low and harm herself. It’s really stressful given that I’m primary carer on my own with 2 kids. I’m just hanging in there - because what other choice do we have in this situation? Only to be strong and look to a brighter future.

By the way, we chose the girls school as my ex husband wanted her to focus on results, not be distracted by boys (she is very pretty) and meet people who are well connected in life. Snobby attItude really. But I went to a girls school and it was Ok. And I must say (as a state teacher myself) , I wanted her to go to a coed state secondary. Lost that battle...

That sounds terrible Nicky and I would certainly consider a change of school.

My son is gay and I very much regret sending him to an all boys school. We pulled him out of there.....

I've come to the conclusion that this is a modern day 12/13 yo phase, especially with girls. I've seen so many go through this same thing & a few months later they forget it was ever said & it's all boys

My own DD did the same thing, I asked her to wait until she was 16 before experimenting & I would accept anything then, but not before. I was the evil homophobe for a few weeks & she was telling her friends I was stopping her from being a lesbian 🙄 which is hilarious as her godfathers are gay & so are many of our friends

A couple of years later she admits I was right, especially as she spectacularly fell out with the best friend of the time who she felt confused by. Another friends daughter did the same, but did experiment, identified as lesbian & now wishes she hadn't as considers herself now straight & is embarrassed by it. & DD now thinks my stance was a good call

I have DDs of 18 and 20 and we’ve lived through lots of this. The cohort mental health issues would be significant wherever your daughter goes to school.

DD2 self harmed. I told school and the support was immediate and excellent - a bit of counselling and being taken under the wing of a senior teacher. At home, my big issue was to be open about it. I insisted she show me her arm regularly and that she took good care of the wounds.

Lots of people seem to be suggesting the sexual confusion is likely to be a passing phase and sit it out, while others say get her away from the 'unstable' group she has latched on to due to the other dangerous issues. I think I'll let a term pass and see if she settles and stabilizes.
Last night we had another 'I can't see the point in living' moment of depression, when she realised that relationships don't last forever at her age. Also that without parents driving 40mins, she can't really meet the girl easily - so it's going to be tough to keep the relationship going. I think RockinHippy has a point about trying to say no to relationships until kids are 16 - but doing that is hard line and does mean you get labelled as phobic/old fashioned/unsupportive etc. In this case, I think the separation might lead to a crisis, so I guess I just have to keep helping her see this girl even though I'd like to say it's ridiculous. Anyway I tried setting short and long term goals with her today, and we spoke about how her actions actually do effect family and friends around her.
Are all teens so self absorbed and lacking empathy?
I always thought it odd when people said teens are harder to parent than babies - but it's definitely true.

By the way the school counsellor started seeing her weekly as soon as she skipped class, went missing and self-harmed - and have been quite supportive since. Sadly I flagged up her issues/my concerns earlier on, to them and my ex husband, and everyone passed it off as teen hormones. I expect that happens far too often...

I think it a bit bizarre that you are randomly changing her school, first because your ex was worried about her "being too pretty" and now because she's fallen in with the wrong crowd. Did she want to move school in the first plave? Were there actually any problems before? I would listen to the experts' advice and listen to her.

Oh and yes, teens are self absorbed and lacking in empathy. That's pretty normal and is just a phase.

I kind of feel the environment encourages gayness too much. After all, the heterosexuals don’t paint rainbows

this is ridiculous.

What do you want the gay people to do, stop painting rainbows so that your DD isn't confused about her sexuality anymore?

‘Banging on about gayness’? Would that be ‘talking about their sexuality’, just like every single other teenager on the planet? And as for heterosexuals not joking about their sexuality every time someone asks by...have you met many teenage boys?? I also note a tendency that when a young person comes out as gay they are ‘confused’ but if straight then they go unquestioned.