Abusive ex applied for child arrangements order after months without contact

[PinkLilacPurple]

My ex hasn’t seen his toddler for months and has suddenly applied to court for a child arrangements order. We have a date for the first hearing. He claims I’ve withheld access from our child but I attempted contact a couple of times and he rejected these attempts (months ago). He emotionally and financially abused me throughout our relationship and it worsened after I gave birth. I started to question myself and my reality, but I’ve recently had disclosures from other women about my ex being cruel to them. They never reported him. I’m terrified of him being given unsupervised contact with our child. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Does he pay maintenance?

If so that could be driving him - especially if you say he was financially abusive

I must admit from what I have read he is highly likely to be awarded contact

Keep all evidence you can from exes, even get a Claire’s law done on him if possible

Clare’s Law came back clear because no one reported him. He’s only paid CMS once and he said he’s angry about having to pay.

Why are you petrified of him having unsupervised contact?

How did it come about that contact stopped? Unless there are safeguarding issues that can be demonstrated, he will gain unsupervised access and you'll have no choice but to do what the order states.

Why don't you try to come up with an arrangement? Didn't you have to try mediation first?

You really can't understand why a mother might be scared of an abusive man having unsupervised contact with her child?

Mediation is NOT normally recommended, when a relationship has been or is abusive.
A domestic abuse perpetrator, as they are more likely to use the mediation process to perpetrate abuse.

If you are afraid of him having unsupervised contact then do not let the judge or mediator know that you attempted contact and he rejected it. Otherwise you won’t have a leg to stand on when you say no now. Delete any messages you have offering this and just hope he wouldn’t use them as it is will undermine the lie he told.

I don't think a parent saying 'no' here would be well received in court.

Obviously the man sounds like a dick, but nothing OP wrote about would result in the man not being allowed to parent his kid.

He might have to build up contact since he abandoned the child, but the child has the right to a relationship with both parents.

You really can't understand why a mother might be scared of an abusive man having unsupervised contact with her child?
The courts don't assume that an abusive person towards another in a relationship will be abusive towards their kids. Indeed, they usually are not.

If he has ever been abusive towards the children, then OP first port of call is social services.

Mediation is NOT normally recommended, when a relationship has been or is abusive
That's completely incorrect. The abuse would have to be significant and documented. Even then, mediation is now often done online and you don't even have to see or speak to the other person directly, so the courts have a very high bar to accept a case that hasn't tried mediation first.

Sadly in the court process you can't just decline mediation on the basis of domestic abuse, you have to have some kind of evidence.

If you are afraid of him having unsupervised contact then do not let the judge or mediator know that you attempted contact and he rejected it. Otherwise you won’t have a leg to stand on when you say no now. Delete any messages you have offering this and just hope he wouldn’t use them as it is will undermine the lie he told
What terrible advice this is. Judges are not stupid and quickly see deception and manipulation when it's there.

The only think you should focus on is evidence that your child wellbeing is at risk. Anything else will see your child having unsupervised contact with their dad.

Absolutely do NOT delete your messages offering contact! They are the best evidence you have that you are the reasonable parent.

It’s actually quite easy to get a mediator to sign to say mediation wouldn’t be viable in this case if you can discuss with them the abuse you have faced, however, the better route is to agree to mediation online in separate online rooms only. This means he can’t verbally abuse you or intimidate you in the mediation. Whilst I know it seems logical that would look bad for him mediators can’t always know when someone is saying something which would hurt the other person or scare them, so they may not stop him saying things that continue to bother you afterwards.

Did he send a letter before action?

IE I propose to take you to court

If not then apply for the application to be struck out.

Please don't delete anything. I went through the family court as a dad, and the messages where you offered contact are exactly what shows you were the one trying. Deleting them could also look very bad if they turn up from his phone.

What I'd do before the first hearing:

1. Write a dated timeline of contact from the separation, as plain facts: "[date]: I offered contact at [place], he replied [quote] / didn't reply." Include the attempts he turned down.
2. Export the full message threads rather than just screenshots. WhatsApp and phone texts can both be exported with the date and time on every message. Keep the export somewhere safe, away from shared accounts.
3. Keep a separate list of the abuse incidents with dates and any proof. You'll need it for the C1A if you haven't done one, and for the Cafcass safeguarding call.
4. Put a one-page summary on top: what you want the court to order, and why that's best for your child. The judge has very little time at the first hearing.

Rights of Women's advice line and Advicenow's guides on going to the family court are free and really good on this. The Cafcass call usually comes before the first hearing, so have your timeline next to you.

Not legal advice, just what I wish I'd known earlier.

Thank you for your comments (most of you)! I don’t want to go into detail about the abuse, but I have documented it. CAFCASS suggested my ex having supervised contact based on the safeguarding issues. @JoshTheDadWhoBuiltIt that’s really good advice - I’ll do that before the hearing.

I disagree, as I assume the contact offered was a visit supervised by her or family, not unsupervised

@PinkLilacPurple glad it helped, and good that Cafcass have flagged supervised contact. I'd keep a copy of their safeguarding letter with your timeline. @Unexpectedlysinglemum fair point, but that's exactly why I'd keep them. The messages show what kind of contact was offered, so if it was supervised they back OP up rather than undermine her. Deleting them just leaves his version of events.

Quick correction to my post above: I haven't actually been through court myself yet, I've been reading up and getting organised in case I have to. Everything else stands, I just wanted to be straight about that.

Also make sure when the court order is done it includes maintenance payments and an amount.

How is he just refusing CMS? Request it to be chased if he isn’t doing it through direct pay and any arrears are also taken into account.

it is better to go with “I agree to supervised contact” than refusal.

mu friend who is going though this agreed to supervised contact at a centre and 2 centres were agreed. Her ex is always trying to change centres and change the court directed dates and when he took her back to court because her DD (who is 13 different age) refused to change dates because she had plans on the new proposed day she said “for a dad that claims he’s desperate to see his daughter he does everything possible to rearrange and sabotage that. I don’t understand why he won’t see her per the court order as he instigated it”

The judge couldn’t really do anything other than say to the father “can you explain why”.

Her ex does this because he was and is abusive too. It’s about getting his own way above anything else and trying to make her look unreasonable. I advised her to just keep giving him the rope until he hung himself.