Abusive ex applied for child arrangements order after months without contact

[PinkLilacPurple]

My ex hasn’t seen his toddler for months and has suddenly applied to court for a child arrangements order. We have a date for the first hearing. He claims I’ve withheld access from our child but I attempted contact a couple of times and he rejected these attempts (months ago). He emotionally and financially abused me throughout our relationship and it worsened after I gave birth. I started to question myself and my reality, but I’ve recently had disclosures from other women about my ex being cruel to them. They never reported him. I’m terrified of him being given unsupervised contact with our child. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Does he pay maintenance?

If so that could be driving him - especially if you say he was financially abusive

I must admit from what I have read he is highly likely to be awarded contact

Keep all evidence you can from exes, even get a Claire’s law done on him if possible

Clare’s Law came back clear because no one reported him. He’s only paid CMS once and he said he’s angry about having to pay.

Why are you petrified of him having unsupervised contact?

How did it come about that contact stopped? Unless there are safeguarding issues that can be demonstrated, he will gain unsupervised access and you'll have no choice but to do what the order states.

Why don't you try to come up with an arrangement? Didn't you have to try mediation first?

You really can't understand why a mother might be scared of an abusive man having unsupervised contact with her child?

Mediation is NOT normally recommended, when a relationship has been or is abusive.
A domestic abuse perpetrator, as they are more likely to use the mediation process to perpetrate abuse.

If you are afraid of him having unsupervised contact then do not let the judge or mediator know that you attempted contact and he rejected it. Otherwise you won’t have a leg to stand on when you say no now. Delete any messages you have offering this and just hope he wouldn’t use them as it is will undermine the lie he told.

I don't think a parent saying 'no' here would be well received in court.

Obviously the man sounds like a dick, but nothing OP wrote about would result in the man not being allowed to parent his kid.

He might have to build up contact since he abandoned the child, but the child has the right to a relationship with both parents.

You really can't understand why a mother might be scared of an abusive man having unsupervised contact with her child?
The courts don't assume that an abusive person towards another in a relationship will be abusive towards their kids. Indeed, they usually are not.

If he has ever been abusive towards the children, then OP first port of call is social services.

Mediation is NOT normally recommended, when a relationship has been or is abusive
That's completely incorrect. The abuse would have to be significant and documented. Even then, mediation is now often done online and you don't even have to see or speak to the other person directly, so the courts have a very high bar to accept a case that hasn't tried mediation first.

Sadly in the court process you can't just decline mediation on the basis of domestic abuse, you have to have some kind of evidence.

If you are afraid of him having unsupervised contact then do not let the judge or mediator know that you attempted contact and he rejected it. Otherwise you won’t have a leg to stand on when you say no now. Delete any messages you have offering this and just hope he wouldn’t use them as it is will undermine the lie he told
What terrible advice this is. Judges are not stupid and quickly see deception and manipulation when it's there.

The only think you should focus on is evidence that your child wellbeing is at risk. Anything else will see your child having unsupervised contact with their dad.

Absolutely do NOT delete your messages offering contact! They are the best evidence you have that you are the reasonable parent.

It’s actually quite easy to get a mediator to sign to say mediation wouldn’t be viable in this case if you can discuss with them the abuse you have faced, however, the better route is to agree to mediation online in separate online rooms only. This means he can’t verbally abuse you or intimidate you in the mediation. Whilst I know it seems logical that would look bad for him mediators can’t always know when someone is saying something which would hurt the other person or scare them, so they may not stop him saying things that continue to bother you afterwards.

Did he send a letter before action?

IE I propose to take you to court

If not then apply for the application to be struck out.