Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

Not proud of this but I was convicted of drink driving nearly 30 years ago when I was 20. I wasn’t escaping abuse, just stupid and thought I would I be ok to drive home. I was totally ashamed of what I did and have never touched a drop when driving since, but I really don’t give it much thought nowadays. I’ve never considered I wouldn’t be able to travel abroad. It’s not in my driving licence now and it’s never come up on a DBS check.

Please don’t beat yourself up, we all make mistakes and you were fleeing a bad situation.

My step brother died on his 16th birthday due to drink driving and even I will say this OP - forgive yourself, truly. No one was hurt and it sounds like you've never done it again since. You need to stop beating yourself up over it. I'm assuming the fact your family reacted the way that they did has exacerbated how much you're consumed with guilt over it?

i would honestly just tell your dd. Have a look at the work of Brene Brown who talks well about shame and self-compassion.

Your story isn’t one about you committing an awful crime. It’s about the dire state of police and family understanding about domestic abuse two decades ago.

Please tell your DD that many years ago you had to flee domestic violence and drove to get away even though you were over the limit. That instead of helping you, the police and your family judged and excluded you. That you’ve always regretted it, but it was necessary at the time.

You don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t escaped. It could have been far worse.

Then start applying to go to those countries. You don’t know until you try!

I am not condoning drunk driving but nobody was harmed, you won’t do it again, and you were fleeing domestic violence.

I wouldn’t have given it another thought.

And calling the police on yourself and declaring an untraceable and spent conviction to limit yourself is self-sabotage.

I dare say you have some things to work through but be both pragmatic and kind to yourself.

I can't think of many countries that are so strict about a DUI many years ago.
Just be honest with your daughter that you foolishly drink drove once and got caught, if you really are going somewhere that you won't get into.
I'm hoping it didn't cause death or serious injury. But even if it did you can't change the past. You don't necessarily need to share that part of the story.

Op, most countries will let you in, just travel to those with your daughter?

I can 100% say with total honesty that nobody was hurt / killed, it was about 3am and I rang the police on myself. I just remember crying and telling them I was sorry

That’s very unusual and although I guess some might say noble , I suspect judging by your family’s response you grew up with a lot of guilt and shame in a toxic environment that demanded perfection from you - and that was what drove you to do it.

As a pp said, it could potentially be some form of OCD or another mental health issue for you to be holding onto it like this for so long.

I’d recommend you look into some sort of counselling or at least something therapeutic - even if it’s like a self-help type book that deals with this kind of issue.

There is more info here about the sort of convictions that would prevent you entering Japan but a 30 year old spent DD conviction isn’t one of them. I’m sorry your family have treated you like this , you made a reckless decision but have fully owned it and it’s time to forgive yourself
https://unlock.org.uk/advice/travelling-to-japan/

You were escaping extenuating circumstances - so forgive yourself and get booking. Deal with the visa applications with honesty but I can't see you having any problems. Live and let live and have a wonderful time.

The more you post, the more I think the DUI is a red herring. You rang the police and reported yourself, you’ve tortured yourself for 20+ years and you’re convinced your daughter will hate you. I think you’ve had a difficult upbringing in a family where toxic shame was drummed into you, you’re traumatised and your self esteem is on the floor. I apologise if I’m wrong, but if I’m not, then please think about getting some talking therapy. You deserve to be happy and have inner peace. You don’t deserve to live with all this anxiety and guilt.

You must know if you crashed or not . Or if you hit someone or something. Or were you so out of it that you can't recall?

I think you need specialist mh support op. Please see your gp

I was stupid in my early 20’s and have a drink drive conviction. I’ve been to china. It was fine. It will be classed as a spent conviction. You no longer even have to declare to get in America now.

I think you are wrong about being prevented from getting into countries.

I feel your shame is disproportionate if it was “just” a conviction for drunk driving and no one was seriously injured? You need to move past this and not allow it to dominate your life. You can tell your DD you have a conviction which means you can’t go to certain countries and it’s up to you if you tell her what it’s for. You reference domestic abuse and this reads to me like your self worth is still worryingly low. Go and travel where you can with your daughter and live your life, you deserve to.

You called the police ??? That was madness.
I drove through a fence in the 70s after falling asleep at the wheel on my way home from a party. There was so much drink driving then. You have this totally out of proportion.

I agree with people saying to seek therapy, this level of guilt for a 20 year old mistake is not normal. Most people have done worse let's be real

OP you are massively overthinking this. You would be banned from entering the UK too if you were a tourist fyi. Just don't overshare on the visa application form. Whether it's travelling to China, Japan, or the UK, most people don't put down minor offenses (yes I know DUIs carry stigma but with no fatalities, they are not really the sort of crime most countries are looking at).

You are judging your lovely daughter’s potential reaction on the dysfunctional reaction of your awful parents. That’s not fair on your dd.

Look at the reactions of everyone on here. That is almost certainly how your dd will react. Please let go and forgive yourself. You did what you had to do in a terrible situation at the time. Would you do it again? - no! So chalk it up to experience and enjoy your travels with dd.

You have hit the nail on the head I think, I’m terrified she will hate me for it. I am ashamed of it beyond belief still after all these years and I have seen how easily people who should love you can turn their backs and I’m terrified she will too when we are so close and I’ve tried to give my kids everything I didn’t have

I definitely did not crash at all and made it to my friends house

All of this.

Have you spoken to a doctor about your trauma history, OP? Had much therapy, counselling?

You've suffered abuse, and also been treated horribly by your family.

Now you have an opportunity to heal, but that will take time, courage, and most of all, asking for help. Making this thread was the first step, well done. Next, think about calling a doctor and/or self referring.

I'm sorry you're still being so hard on yourself all these years on. Maybe some counselling would help?

On a practical note, if you are spending less than 90 days in Japan, you don't need a visa and you will be able to visit with your daughter.

Please stop punishing yourself, it's a lifetime ago.

OP, my husband has a drink driving conviction, also from about 30+ years ago. He has been to Japan twice with no issues at all. He certainly didn’t have to go for an interview at the embassy to get his visa. Please forgive yourself and forget about your unsupportive family.

"Life ruined"? This sounds like you really need some therapy OP. It just isn't normal to be carrying this level of shame after so many years for the incident our describe.

Seriously, that conviction won't show up on a UK police record, it's before any current databases were even invented and only serious jail time will still be reportable. Read this from the NACRO website. https://www.nacro.org.uk/nacro-services/criminal-record-support/advice-for-individuals/travel-with-a-criminal-record/travelling-from-the-uk-with-a-criminal-record/

The United Kingdom does not routinely share criminal records with foreign authorities. As a result, if you declare a criminal record on your visa application form, you may be required to provide a police certificate as part of your application.
Police certificates are issued by the Criminal Records Office (ACRO) for those wishing to travel to certain countries. Police certificates give details of all convictions, cautions, final warnings and reprimands recorded on the Police National Computer, although ACRO filters certain records after a certain period of time under their step-down guidelines.

Japan DOES let people in with convictions. They ask if it was a sentence of 12 months or more and if it involved drugs. If no, then even if you did declare it on your visa application (which most people wouldn't after all this time) it's highly likely it would be granted. You are catastrophising and need to calm down and look into it sensibly.