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Original poster

Ashamed and life ruined

283 replies

Hannahhanhannah · 25/05/2025 21:17

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Hannahhanhannah · 26/05/2025 11:47

SpryCat · 26/05/2025 10:46

It might be the shame you carry with you, hiding it, is because your birth family made you feel great shame about yourself before your conviction. It might seem insurmountable to tell your children because your childhood trauma, being a victim of DV and your conviction has intertwined into one huge self loathing and shame.
Your birth family needed someone to blame, to jeer at and destroy, it could have quite easily been one of your siblings chosen for the scapegoat role but it unfortunately it was you. They needed someone to take their frustrations, anger out on, when they felt shit, life wasn’t going their way, they needed to bully you in order to feel powerful and less of a loser in themselves.
You internalised this as children don’t see their caregivers as flawed or toxic, they believe it’s themselves. They don’t understand why they get picked on, but they fold back into themselves and feel shame.
You met someone toxic, who used women to blame and used violence, to self medicate His own feelings of inadequacy and shame. If he felt shit, or was having a bad day, he used you as a punching bag to feel powerful and less of a loser.
As you already felt shamed and flawed, your internalised his behaviour as further proof that there was something unlovable and deserving of being treated so awfully by others.
One night after drinking, this man frightened you so much, your body and mind went into fight or flight mode. Fight or flight mode takes over and rational thinking is not possible! By anyone! You drove to safety, to your friend’s house and called the police about yourself drink driving.
You internalised the whole evening and blamed yourself, you felt bf treatment of you was because you deserved it. For the first time in your life, you had ran from danger and toxicity, but you still felt you needed to be punished and publicly flogged for being alive. Everyone’s words, actions and lies had chipped away at you until you wanted to rip the skin off your body in shame.
All that toxic waste you carry with you, convinced it’s your shame and self loathing, is other people’s shame and toxicity. It doesn’t belong to you, you were a human punchbag, that people used to take their frustration out on. It was never your fault!

This is so powerful and really has made me think a lot. This is really real and I appreciate you explaining it like this thank you x

OP posts:
Horses7 · 26/05/2025 11:49

MatildaMovesMountains · 26/05/2025 11:46

You only have one life, OP - it's your choice whether you let this define you and ruin your remaining years, or whether you take a different approach. On your deathbed, will you still be obsessing over this? Is that what you want? Will it serve a purpose?

So true!

Original poster
Hannahhanhannah · 26/05/2025 11:51

MatildaMovesMountains · 26/05/2025 11:46

You only have one life, OP - it's your choice whether you let this define you and ruin your remaining years, or whether you take a different approach. On your deathbed, will you still be obsessing over this? Is that what you want? Will it serve a purpose?

Thank you x you’re right, I don’t want to live feeling like this and regretting it later on xxx

OP posts:
MatildaMovesMountains · 26/05/2025 11:55

Hannahhanhannah · 26/05/2025 11:51

Thank you x you’re right, I don’t want to live feeling like this and regretting it later on xxx

Show quote history

So what are your next steps? Who can help you make a real, lasting change?

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 26/05/2025 12:14

It's really hard to put this kind of internal shame behind you without the help of a therapist/ counsellor, but if you like to read, you could search on Amazon for 'toxic shame self help'. There are plenty of books, which you might find helpful, which tells us a lot about the number of people struggling with this. I like Brene Brown's books and online talks, but it's very personal which author would chime for you and who might grate.

Sandy792 · 26/05/2025 12:54

I know someone who drunk drove while at uni and became a teacher. It was stupid but no one hated her, she taught for years, moved abroad and now teaches abroad. She also works with offenders.

The biggest mistake you made IMO was turning yourself when nothing happened. Honestly the shame you've been through was more than enough punishment.

Tell your dd, it just makes you more human to have made mistakes when you were young.

IsItSnowing · 26/05/2025 13:01

You absolutely do not need to declare a spent conviction on a visa application. They have no way of checking for this information. Unless you come up on on some central database (which this will not be on) you are fine.
Whether you tell your daughter or not is your own choice but you can probably do with the support.
But please don't punish yourself further by declaring this on your visa application and ruining your travel plans.

EdithBond · 27/05/2025 11:45

I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).

Are you sure this would be the case? If your DD is mature, empathetic and loves you, she won’t judge you for it and will understand. It was a long time ago. You were frightened. No one was hurt or any harm done. Other than to yourself. You told the police (which most wouldn’t) at great cost to yourself.

What she may be upset about is if you’ve lied to her about why your family don’t talk to you? Why hide what they’re like from her? At a young age, under great emotional strain, you broke the law, confessed and have paid for it. Your family failed to support you. That’s their problem, not yours.

Hopefully, you’ve brought your daughter up to believe families are always there for each other. Not just in the good times. They don’t judge. They seek to empathise, understand and support each other. Unless it’s unsafe to do so.

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