Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

I would absolutely not do this. You don’t need to. Just don’t declare anything as it’s 20 years ago and such a non issue.

Do you maybe not want to go and this is why you’re making this so overblown?

I was 100% sure you must of killed someone until I read the updates. You're massively overthinking this, most people have made mistakes and this was decades ago.

I had EMDR therapy - it is very good indeed. There is a programme on iPlayer atm - Change your Mind, Change your Life and it features in episode 2 I think.

My father was killed by a drunk driver and even I don’t think you did anything wrong! You had to escape from a violent man. You couldn’t fight him or outrun him and you were in danger. This incident was HIS fault, not yours. I can’t believe you called the police on yourself. Your family is evil. They have made you believe that you are the bad person they cruelly said you were and it is still ruining your life and your happiness. Please ask your GP for therapy to work through this. Re visiting Japan, you don’t need a visa to go on holiday there, just your passport, but you do need to fill in a card on arrival. Personally, in your situation I would simply say no to the criminal convictions question but if you feel impelled to say yes, your offence and sentence doesn’t bar you from entry. unlock.org.uk/advice/travelling-to-japan/

I can believe it was a 16 month ban, a friend of mine was caught in a carpark, engine running and got an 18 month ban. This was about 20 years ago.
I also know someone who was caught driving on the road over the limit and got a year ban, reduced to 9 months for a reason i can't remember, possibly attending some kind of course?

I think the first one had a higher reading, but also the 2nd one actively sought to reduce his sentence with character references (he did community work before the drink driving) and impact on his employment. His conviction was also about 20 years ago.

OP I hope you take the suggestion to seek advice from Unlocked and look into counselling for the underlying difficulties you have.

The 16 month ban will be due to the level of alcohol in her system.

Be kind to yourself, if no one was hurt, and you've learned from your mistake I would forgive yourself and move on assumably you've been punished and completed some sort of rehabilitation. Sorry to hear you lost family over it, that seems excessive, but each to their own opinions.

If you haven't been directed to the website Unlock, it's worth looking at. It's a website for ex offenders and helps people in your situation and other convictions from the past deal with these sorts of issues. I would imagine you wouldn't have even thought to declare your conviction for things like home insurance etc but technically those would have needed to be declared during that time too.

If you choose to declare it, you will be barred from entry into the country going forward it's rare they make exceptions. Convictions of moral turpitude are generally things like fraud, or I guess if you had multiple convictions for DUI. Either way, I wouldn't bother to declare it, you are hardly a drug dealing hardened criminal.

It’s unimaginable isn’t it the shame you carry. I literally still feel so ashamed and barely a soul (other than anyone my family has told) knows. My employer at the time thankfully stood by me as they knew me and I’m fortunate but I’ve had to declare it every job I go for and it’s so triggering having to explain it.
I feel sick if I think about it even tho I’ve never put a foot wrong before or after. It really haunts me whenever I have to think about it

OP I have never meant anything more than this - please forgive yourself! For goodness sake. It was 30 years ago - you have bought and paid for your mistake. Stop wasting your life!

OP, find your anger. The anger at your family, at the police and at the man you were fleeing from.

Imagine a young woman fleeing from domestic abuse and feeling so desperate that they escaped using the means they had available to them. I bet you would view anyone in the world with more compassion than you are showing yourself .

You did an amazing, brave thing back then, but I wonder if the trauma has been misplaced, and you haven't really dealt with it?

Finally, tell your daughter. Let go of the guilt

I would suggest getting counselling before you tell your daughter as you can get help with how you frame it without all this emotion and self-blame.
I suspect your daughter will be more shocked and upset by the fact you were attacked than by your method of escape.

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if I'm repeating any other PPs' comments.
I don't think OP is talking about travelling to the USA, but I know a fair bit about travellng there with a conviction. Other countries may have similar restrictions so you really have to research the rules of your planned destination. I've read some misconceptions here about convictions and this is just a FYI.
The rules about travelling to the USA can seem a bit muddled.
Briefly, most travellers will qualify for an ESTA.
They say that would-be travellers with a conviction involving "moral turpitude" would not qualify for an ESTA but would have to apply for a visa.
A drink-driving, (or DUI), conviction in itself, is not a crime of moral turpitude.
However, researching legal sources reveala that all arrests and convictions should be declared, no matter how long ago they occurred.
The USA does not recognise the Rehabilitations of Offenders Act, so there are no such things as "spent" convictions.
A traveller with convictions has to choose whether to take a chance, apply for an ESTA and declare no convictions, or declare them.
Some types of conviction would automatically bar a person from entering the USA..
Drink-driving in itself wouldn't, but an interview at the USA embassy would be required, and a visa could well be granted.
I only know all this because of the cirrcumstances of a family member. He had a drink-driving conviction, applied for a visa, went for an embassy interview and got the visa.
I understand that if you lie about having no convictions and it is discivered that you've lied, the consequences can be quite serious.
I didn;t want to derail this thread, but wanted to convey this info.

Agree!!

Ps but as I said in an earlier post …. get some professional help. It’s blown out of all proportion and it’s wrecking your life.

You actually need to turn this thinking right on its head. Be grateful to your younger self that she was strong enough to survive the DA using whatever means possible.

Be glad. Not ashamed. 💐

It might be the shame you carry with you, hiding it, is because your birth family made you feel great shame about yourself before your conviction. It might seem insurmountable to tell your children because your childhood trauma, being a victim of DV and your conviction has intertwined into one huge self loathing and shame.
Your birth family needed someone to blame, to jeer at and destroy, it could have quite easily been one of your siblings chosen for the scapegoat role but it unfortunately it was you. They needed someone to take their frustrations, anger out on, when they felt shit, life wasn’t going their way, they needed to bully you in order to feel powerful and less of a loser in themselves.
You internalised this as children don’t see their caregivers as flawed or toxic, they believe it’s themselves. They don’t understand why they get picked on, but they fold back into themselves and feel shame.
You met someone toxic, who used women to blame and used violence, to self medicate His own feelings of inadequacy and shame. If he felt shit, or was having a bad day, he used you as a punching bag to feel powerful and less of a loser.
As you already felt shamed and flawed, your internalised his behaviour as further proof that there was something unlovable and deserving of being treated so awfully by others.
One night after drinking, this man frightened you so much, your body and mind went into fight or flight mode. Fight or flight mode takes over and rational thinking is not possible! By anyone! You drove to safety, to your friend’s house and called the police about yourself drink driving.
You internalised the whole evening and blamed yourself, you felt bf treatment of you was because you deserved it. For the first time in your life, you had ran from danger and toxicity, but you still felt you needed to be punished and publicly flogged for being alive. Everyone’s words, actions and lies had chipped away at you until you wanted to rip the skin off your body in shame.
All that toxic waste you carry with you, convinced it’s your shame and self loathing, is other people’s shame and toxicity. It doesn’t belong to you, you were a human punchbag, that people used to take their frustration out on. It was never your fault!

Sorry I keep saying ‘unlocked’ but it’s ‘unlock’ and they will be able to help you.
I really can empathise with your situation.

This. I understand her history with her family, but OP's responses are wildly out of proportion, even when you take that into consideration. And she doesn't seem to see that there is anything unusual or emotionally heightened about her behaviour.

It's all very overwhelming, even in a Mumsnet post. I can't imagine how it will feel to her daughter, when they have the conversation irl.

Just say no on the form. They won’t know, and they have no way of finding out. They don’t have access to our police databases. If you have ever had an interpol warrant or arrest, then they would probably know that. If you’ve ever been arrested in their country then they will know they.
They have no way of knowing about a conviction from decades ago within the UK. Just tick no.

And why do you keep declaring it in jobs? It would have been spent after a few years. You didn’t need to declare it after that.

OP, you have to open that can of worms - it's the only way you'll get rid of this terrible undeserved shame and guilt.

Very briefly, whether you declare it or not, an employer will apply for and obtain a DBS check if you want to work with children or vulnerable adults. There are different kinds of DBS check, some of which disclose spent and unspent convictions.

It’s due to the nature of my work it requires enhanced check so I declare it as it’ll show anyway, fortunately I have lots of character references from the employer who I worked for at the time and employers since. I always feel honesty is the best policy as it’ll show anyway x

Sorry also realised I replied tot eh wrong person! You were right, it shows on my enhanced dbs x

You only have one life, OP - it's your choice whether you let this define you and ruin your remaining years, or whether you take a different approach. On your deathbed, will you still be obsessing over this? Is that what you want? Will it serve a purpose?