Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

I think you need to be kind to yourself, no-one was hurt, you regret it and there were exceptional circumstances. Even if there weren’t, you were young. We’ve all done stupid things when we were young.

I think honesty is the best policy here. Explain what happened, why it happened, and how you’ve regretted it ever since.

She must know you’ve fallen out with your family and this will explain why.

You aren't the first and you won't be the last - if you didn't go to prison then I don't think it would even be on your UK record now. Thirty years is a long time to feel guilty and for your family not to forgive you for making a desperate mistake when you were young. What country is it you're worried about visiting? USA should be fine.

Did you injured or kill someone?

You need to find a way to forgive yourself and start enjoying your life. Yes what you did was wrong, but you don’t deserve to still be being punished.

Lots of forces don’t have digital records going back that far so it might not even come up on a search.

This!

If not, you need to learn to forgive yourself.

Which countries? I would be very surprised that an offence from 30 years ago would be discoverable or declare able (is that a word?)

You need to leave this shame behind, it's disproportionate and shouldn't be eating you up so many years later. I strongly suggest a bit of therapy or other programme that promotes self-healing. Be kind to yourself.

Please do not worry about this. You are not the only person to make mistakes in your 20s. Give yourself a break and understand that it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. This conviction is likely spent and you won’t have to declare it. Have a quick check with a criminal solicitor to be sure.

I spent a number of years working with victims of domestic abuse and drink driving was surprisingly a common conviction, usually because the women were trying to flee when something had escalated.
I'd be surprised if it had an impact so many years later

Did you kill someone? Did you go to jail?
It’s not clear why you feel so terrible? It seems out of proportion.

I'm similar. I.. 50 and was convicted when 20 of drink driving. I've never had an issue travelling. Even USA when applying for visa I've declared it with no issue. Unless you killed someone and spent a long time in prison I cant see which countries woukd not yet you in. It's spent after 11 years unless associated with a long prison sentence.

I do think you are being incredibly hard on yourself. Do you generally have mh issues and anxiety. Your claim that your life is ruined after a dd conviction from 30 years ago is extreme. Immensely extreme. Of course we don't go round telling people. I'm embarrassed and ashamed but my son would not disown me. I will tell him when he xan drive as an example to him not to drink anything when driving. Can you get help through your gp therapy etc

Many of us have done stupid things when young. And many more drank and drove 30 plus years ago and just never got caught.

If you were my mother I would forgive you in a heartbeat. You made a terrible mistake when you were young and fleeing an abusive relationship. You’ve more than paid for it, and it’s time for you to put it down. Give your daughter the opportunity to be kinder and more understanding towards you than you are towards yourself.

What countries won’t let you in? They won’t even know about it. We don’t share criminal records with any other country. They only see if there is a warrant out for you, or it’s been flagged for some other reason. The majority only ask for anything within the last 5 or 10 years (or serious offences which this is not).
A lot only ask for crimes of moral turpitude, which this also is not. Or drug related crimes, which this also is not.

I've just googled and it's suggested that a convicted dui is spent a maximum of 11 years after conviction

My colleague has convictions for shoplifting, burglary, fraud, was a heroin addict and a rent boy ( might not be the right term - male prostitute for men) and the only issue he has had is with America he has to go to the embassy and apply in person. He is a motivational speaker now and speaks all over the world. Most of his convictions are long spent. Are you sure yours aren't?

I'm trying to work out what you mean by "conviction"
Usually it would be a fine, ban, points for a first offence if nobody was hurt/ killed.
No way would points / it still be on your records or prevent you from entering other countries for a simple stop and search and driving ban so something else must be at play for OP.

Unless you had a long prison sentence your conviction will be considered spent by now.

Why did your family turn their back on you? If it was my daughter I’d tell her how reckless and lucky no one was injured or killed but I wouldn’t walk away! I think this is why you’re too scared to tell your daughter, she won’t turn her back on you.

What do you mean when you say you've lost your family over it? Was anyone killed or injured? I wouldn't disown a family member if they were caught drink driving...I wouldn't be very impressed and would tell them so but I wouldn't cut them off . And what countries won't let you in?

Did you have family in the car with you?

You’re still convicted in court if found drunk driving- you don’t get dealt with on the side of the road.