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Ashamed and life ruined

283 replies

Hannahhanhannah · 25/05/2025 21:17

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

OP posts:
PawsAndTails · 25/05/2025 21:57

I feel very strongly about drink driving due to the risk to other people, but I think you need to let this go, OP. You were fortunate and didn't hurt anyone. You made a mistake. You have served whatever your conviction required, so at some point you need to allow yourself to move on from this. You can't let yourself and your life be defined by this. Forgive yourself. You can still be a good person who once made a mistake.

Your family were cruel and unfair to walk away from you. Maybe if they'd been more supportive you'd have not ended up in that situation in the first place?

I would just be honest with your daughter. Hopefully she will understand.

Hannahhanhannah · 25/05/2025 21:58

I have to declare it on the visa applications, I may have the option to go to the embassy’s to be interviewed apparently.
i just like to keep everything above board and it seems so hard to put the past behind me .

my family are very complicated and had no issues telling even my most distant cousins etc what had happened. They had already turned their backs partially as I was in the relationship and they said he was hurting me and I didn’t leave straight away so basically it was all my own doing and I made my bed etc.

this is why I wanted different for my children, no matter what they’ve ever done (to be honest I’m lucky they are absolute gems) but they know they can make mistakes and yes they will face them but I’ll always be their place of safety and that’s why this tears me up so much still is I know I’ve let them down as well. They weren’t born but I feel I have.

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 25/05/2025 21:58

Your family are dicks. If my mum told me this I wouldn’t judge her at all, just be honest with your daughter and you can work out another plan.

Stop hating yourself. Please. You made a mistake (in exceptional circumstances) and you accepted your punishment. That’s all. Any more thoughts on the matter is a waste of airtime. You are talking like you killed a child. Nothing happened.

Again, your family are dicks.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 25/05/2025 21:58

I absolutely can not stand anybody getting in a car under the influence of drink or drugs and I would report my own family if they attempted to get in a car whilst not fit to drive HOWEVER given the circumstances, the fact nobody was hurt, you turned yourself in, you've lost family over it and you've beaten yourself up for over 30 years, mate forgive yourself!

In the circumstances you describe this happening I would forgive a family member and if i had been your friend then in all honesty I'd have been grateful nobody got hurt, given you a big arse lecture at the appropriate time (not immediately obviously) and I would've stopped you ringing the police and confessing ffs and ensured you realised you were bloody lucky to get from a to b without harming anyone or getting caught

I don't know the legalities of being able to enter other countries but are you absolutely sure you'd be refused entry or are you assuming? I'd check properly if it's an assumption but regardless you have paid the price and completed your sentence so you need to let go of the guilt

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/05/2025 21:58

You did something stupid, explicable but stupid, when you were very young. If I told you what I did when I was twenty you'd probably gasp in horror. But you aren't that person now, any more than I am who I was. We grow, change and learn.

You will be able to travel wherever you want now. Let go of the guilt, It was a 'thing' it was long ago and it happened to long-ago you.

Travel with your DD. Be free.

User867463 · 25/05/2025 21:59

With respect, have you actually tried doing a Google search or asked ChatGPT if it's possible to enter Japan or China with a 30 year driving offence where nobody was injured? A 3 second search will tell you it's clearly possible.

This thread is hugely dramatic without there being a real point behind it.

Flurty · 25/05/2025 21:59

Your family were already toxic or you wouldn’t have felt the urge to hand yourself over to the police and then find they had cut you off. Supportive love is pretty unconditional and you did something rash whilst vulnerable. Well done on building such a loving relationship with your family. Get therapy and liberate yourself from this toxic shame and get yourself on holiday - you can certainly get to Japan - I too know travellers there who have convictions.

TaupeMember · 25/05/2025 22:00

Bloody hell. You need to move on from this.

Please. Own it. Nobody was hurt, and lots have done much worse when young.

Move on.

Goldlava · 25/05/2025 22:01

I'm so sorry you feel like this, please don't beat yourself up any more. It is totally understandable that it happened, given the context.

It sounds like no one would ever have known about it if you hadn't rung the police and admitted it, which shows what a conscientious person you are. You clearly wanted to do the right thing even though you knew there would be consequences. I cannot believe that your family have reacted like that, it seems so cold and uncaring.

Please know that you are not a bad person - you made a mistake (and which of us hasn't done that). As PPs have said, maybe try to see if the conviction is still on your record. Hopefully you will be able to enjoy travelling with your daughter.

Sending you a hug!

Addictforanex · 25/05/2025 22:01

This sounds so odd. Why did you phone the police on yourself, or do you mean you phoned them to report your DV and the police charged you for this instead of the perpetrator of the abuse?

You lost your family over this.. why on earth? My brother ran his girlfriend’s car into a ditch under the influence when he was about 19 and was also convicted of DUI. Parents were mighty annoyed for a few weeks but it hasn’t been mentioned in decades. He hasn’t been stopped from traveling anywhere or had a problem getting professional jobs etc.

pusskins06 · 25/05/2025 22:02

My son had a DD conviction in past 10 years. He has travelled to many countries including Japan with no problems at all x

summerscomingsoon · 25/05/2025 22:02

Your conviction is spent. You do not need to declare it.

With kindness you are being hugely over dramatic and looking for issues when none exist .

Just apply for the tourust visas

Sausage1986 · 25/05/2025 22:03

I have a spent conviction for cannabis. I went to America but declared it and had to go to the embassy to get a visa, which they granted. You also have a police trace done and annoyingly it never showed up so they would have never known anyway

LBFseBrom · 25/05/2025 22:03

JollyGreenSleeves · 25/05/2025 21:20

I think you need to be kind to yourself, no-one was hurt, you regret it and there were exceptional circumstances. Even if there weren’t, you were young. We’ve all done stupid things when we were young.

I agree with that.

Op, you were only 20 and, as you said, escaping domestic violence.

I think what you did thirty years ago is very forgivable. The hardest thing, of course, is forgiving yourself. We always beat ourselves up more than we would someone else.

I've known a couple of people who were done for drink driving, had accidents, one went to prison for three months. They wouldn't do it again, they moved on with their lives and are good people.

I do not get why your youthful mistake has caused your family to so completely turn against you. However that is your business.

Tell your daughter.

Matchalattetime · 25/05/2025 22:04

Addictforanex · 25/05/2025 22:01

This sounds so odd. Why did you phone the police on yourself, or do you mean you phoned them to report your DV and the police charged you for this instead of the perpetrator of the abuse?

You lost your family over this.. why on earth? My brother ran his girlfriend’s car into a ditch under the influence when he was about 19 and was also convicted of DUI. Parents were mighty annoyed for a few weeks but it hasn’t been mentioned in decades. He hasn’t been stopped from traveling anywhere or had a problem getting professional jobs etc.

Yeah this part is particularly bonkers to me but I can only imagine OP called the police to explain the whole situation regarding her ex chasing her and felt she had to mention the drunk driving too.

SquashedMallow · 25/05/2025 22:04

Please stop beating yourself up. It's a surprisingly common conviction unfortunately . It's slipped out there a few friends/husbands of friends etc have actually got convicted of this is the past. I'm not saying it makes it "ok" but on the scale of "badness".... Do you know what I'm getting at ?

Sometimes, nice people, who continually beat themselves up for their past mistakes , including what you've done decades ago, can make themselves soft targets for people's anger. So I'd work on being your own advocate and standing up for yourself. Your mistakes of 20+ years ago do not define you.

You'll get people on here come along, see your vulnerability for your crime of 20+ years ago and see it as a way to point the finger and come out with "it's people like you that killed my uncle " etc. yet someone with loads of heinous convictions and cares nothing for it , they'll try to understand and analyse. Don't make yourself a target any longer.

Nobody has the right to know your past information. And that includes a criminal record totalling one non malicious and stupid act.

Most countries won't have any issue. If you Google it - there should be forums etc with others who've been in your position.

I can hear your nice nature from your post. Have a good think about how you frame this to your daughter if you choose to tell her. Go down the "I made a reckless mistake that I know regret. Like all humans. Today I'm a stronger and better person .." etc etc. don't make yourself a target ready to be whipped and shamed. Own it and spin it on its head to "that's not me today ".

I hope you file this in the past where it belongs. Many many "criminals" walk amongst us, with stupid youthful crimes on their records that have long since been buried.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 25/05/2025 22:04

I don't even drink and I can't get worked up over this!

It was years ago.

Your family sound like a load of dickheads.

AliBaliBee1234 · 25/05/2025 22:05

You didn't do it for convenience and made a silly decision in a stressful situation. You need to forgive yourself and move on. Your daughter will understand, I know I would if you were my mum.

Why on earth did you lose your family OP? That's harsh

Hannahhanhannah · 25/05/2025 22:05

Matchalattetime · 25/05/2025 22:04

Yeah this part is particularly bonkers to me but I can only imagine OP called the police to explain the whole situation regarding her ex chasing her and felt she had to mention the drunk driving too.

Yes I rang them and I was crying saying how sorry I was that I had to drive but it was my only way to escape and because I said I’d been drinking that’s when I got arrested. I rang them on myself not on him, I can’t explain the choice I made, I just felt so guilty

OP posts:
NotDavidTennant · 25/05/2025 22:06

OP, you say you have anxiety; have you ever exhibited symptoms of OCD? There is a from of OCD called moral scrupulosity were people obsessively worry about whether they are good person. Your continued strong feelings of guilt over a personal moral failing that happened 30 years ago could be a manifestation of this.

Waterweight · 25/05/2025 22:07

Is this like a drip feed ?

What happened when you got caught?

Overtheatlantic · 25/05/2025 22:08

So you’re 50 now?

uuuuu · 25/05/2025 22:08

My god, you were fleeing domestic violence, nobody was hurt and you even turned yourself in. I’m sure your DD will not think badly of you for this. It’s just that your family seem like cunts and this has impacted how you view yourself.

Hannahhanhannah · 25/05/2025 22:09

AliBaliBee1234 · 25/05/2025 22:05

You didn't do it for convenience and made a silly decision in a stressful situation. You need to forgive yourself and move on. Your daughter will understand, I know I would if you were my mum.

Why on earth did you lose your family OP? That's harsh

Edited

They had started to separate themselves from me when I got with him as they said he’ll hurt me and i was stupid for staying according to them (I didn’t understand trauma bonding like I do now) and then when all this happened they said I brought shame on the family and that I had made my bed and I should lie in it.
I tried grovelling and apologising many times but it’s met with a wall of silence.
theyll contact me if there’s a death or occasionally if they need something but I have since moved away too as I couldn’t stay near them

OP posts:
Waterweight · 25/05/2025 22:09

Hannahhanhannah · 25/05/2025 22:05

Yes I rang them and I was crying saying how sorry I was that I had to drive but it was my only way to escape and because I said I’d been drinking that’s when I got arrested. I rang them on myself not on him, I can’t explain the choice I made, I just felt so guilty

Honestly you sound traumatised by the relationship/police response

There's no reason why the conviction itself would be causing your so much anxiety 30 years on

You were let down by the people in your life at the time & made to find fault in yourself & how you handled the situation which is 100% wrong

I hope your able to move on. But this thread is just bizarre

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