Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

So you didn't injure anyone. That's all I meant. I was quoting your previous post when u said you were not 100 PC sure yiu didn't kill or injure anyone

Oh no, I must have typed wrong as I’m 100% sure I did not hurt or injure a soul nor did I crash.

You are massively catastrophising. Lots of people do dumb things when they’re 20. I certainly did lots of them. Hell, I’m an alcoholic and drank heavily for 20 years and did all sorts of ridiculous things before I sorted my life out.

But I very much doubt any country is going to care about your driving offence from a thousand years ago. I’ve travelled all over the world and have lived and worked in 4 different countries. I have a guilty plea sort of no contest conviction for something like anti-social behaviour from when I was 25. It’s actually not even a great story, I was just messing about on a bicycle and did something silly and got caught by the police. Sounds way more hardcore than it is. 😂

It has never been an issue for any of my visas. I am not native born British. I moved to the Uk and had to declare it. It didn’t impact any of my UK visas or my citizenship application. Never even a question about it in any immigration interview I’ve ever had. Honestly, no one will care. If you are say, applying for a US ESTA just declare it. I can’t see it affecting anything, but it wouldn’t stop me trying.

OP this is awful of your family!! No wonder you havent been able to forgive yourself what many/most people would consider a very human response to the violence directed at you by the real villain in this situation - your violent abusive ex!

I don't think there will be many reading this who won't assume that your family was also abusive and controlling to have this dreadful response - and for you to have internalised it so deeply and so immediately.

The fact that you called the police on yourself shows that you already had more than your fair share of guilt and shame which could be easily triggered.

Most people would have been deeply grateful that nothing happened, and they would have forgiven themselves for an act undertaken in extremity. But you did, because you had already been used to being made to feel guilty and ashamed.

I'm really surprised that the police charged you actually, although maybe they had no choice.

Now though, you have to forgive yourself. You need therapy to do so because it will involve looking at your terrible family and working through what they have done to you.

I'm so sorry you went through this and have carried this burden all this time - honestly, it's making me feel quite emotional.

OP, your family are cunts. They were cunts before your drunk driving and cunts afterwards. That's bad, but it's on them, not you.

Tell your daughter, gently. If she's old enough to go travelling she's old enough to understand.

And be kind to yourself. Get some therapy. You're not a horrible person, from what you've said. Imagine that happened to your daughter. Would you want her to punish herself for years? You wouldn't. Love yourself that much.

I'm so sorry. You didn't typo. I misread it. My Apologies

Sorry Op but you are being ridiculous. A DUI is spent after 5 years, although remains on your licence for 11 years. Once spent you do not declare a conviction unless for an enhanced CRB check.

You do not have to declare it on visa applications for any country.

I've been caught drink driving three times. Never had to declare it, and I have travelled just about everywhere around the world. I don't feel particular guilt either, just think I was stupid to do it and regret endangering other people.

Well, you did it to save a life and you did save a life – your life. The reason you don't feel this truth is that your family have treated you as if your life isn't so important. Thankfully, part of you, even when you'd had some drink, knows that your life is worth saving.
Thank goodness you did manage to get away, look how honest and good you were, reporting yourself when you didn't have to, look at how you managed to escape and give your daughter a better life.
I'm actually in awe of your courage and integrity reading your posts.

You don't even have to apply for a visa just for a holiday surely. Unless you're spending like a year there.

None of it makes sense. No one has to declare driving offences. Prison time, drug convictions, murder, yes, but not motoring offences. Blimey, I have had so many parking tickets I should be banned from everywhere!

Honestly the treat of women by the police/ justice system makes my blood boil. You were desperate, no one was hurt and you were immediately remorseful. Compare to actual murderers/ the arrogant driver up thread who did kill 3 people and only got 6 months - it’s nuts. I’ve just read about Lucy Connolly who posted after the Southport killings - immigrant hotels should be set on fire. Yes awful to say, but she regretted it and deleted it 3 hours later and would’ve been utterly traumatised (as we all were) by those murders, particularly though as she’d lost her son aged nearly 2 😭. She’s got 31 months inside!! While all those “death to JKR” wankers just go ignored!
You need to forgive yourself and enjoy your time with your daughter fully - tell her what happened, check if you can travel there, and go somewhere else if not. Loads of amazing places to see on this beautiful planet 🪐

i would be absolutely heartbroken for my daughter if she carried any guilt for mistakes for this long, I truly would. But, when she made the mistakes I would help her navigate it. Yes there would be consequences for her actions but I would always be her safety net.
my family thrive on drama and love when people mess up, I won’t go into it as it’ll open another can of worms!

I agree with a PP who suggested you get therapy.
Your worries are all out of perspective.
I can't understand why anyone would have called the police to admit to drink driving once they had arrived safely at a destination.

I think you have deeper problems and some sort of persecution complex which needs professional help.

You've had a lifetime racked with guilt about a conviction you brought upon yourself. Nobody was protected or spared harm by you pointing out to the police after the fact that you had been drunk driving.

It sounds like you're not prepared to be honest with your daughter about the conviction. Considering how overwhelming your emotions are around it, it's hard to understand how you haven't shared it with her.

And I suspect your family were unable or unprepared to furnish you with the endless reassurances you've been craving. Between this and the fact you haven't got treatments for your obsession I think I can see why your relationship with them broke down.

Consider 1. Getting help for your mental health and 2. Being open with your daughter if you truly haven't explained it all to her.

Honestly this just all sounds really odd. If you are telling the truth about the situation then this is a massive overreaction - from you and your family. You will likely be able to travel, but maybe consider therapy or some MH treatment first.

Drink driving convictions are criminal offences. It s not the same as a parking ticket.

You need to let this go and get therapy.

Depends on the country. Many countries yiu need a visa to get in but a tourist one for holiday

Your family is just awful. I have a friend who had a drink driving conviction in his early twenties about 20 or so years ago (no one was hurt in his case as well). No one seems bothered about it now. His family were always supportive.

OP, kindly.. get a grip.

A minute of googling will tell you Japan will allow you in as long as you didn't get longer than a year in prison and likewise you won't have a problem in China.

What do you mean? My passport is more powerful than the UK one so I might be wrong but I thought UK passports don't need tourist visas for most countries either.

I got a 16 month driving ban and the conviction, I didn’t serve any time (although I do remember asking the judge just to send me to prison as I felt like I deserved it).
I think when I’ve been looking tonight it’s just brought up the whole event again and brought the emotions to the surface.

thank you for googling for me, I can’t rationally look right now

Lots of countries require visas for holidays.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visa_requirements_for_British_citizens#Visa_requirements_map

Depends on the country.