Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

Google tells me that if you did not go to prison for more than a year, then you will not be denied entry to japan though you will have to declare it ..

China appears to be a different story...

You are being irrational. You’re clearly in a lot of pain and I’m very sorry about that. However, you must be aware that this level of heightened feeling over something (stupid, but nobody got hurt) that happened 30 years ago is a clear indication of poor mental health? Have you sought professional support with this?

I think we can miss out china, Japan is her dream

My darling, you need to stop punishing yourself. You are not the only one to have made this mistake and I think you've paid many times over by the sound of it.

I had specialist domestic abuse therapy from women’s aid when I left and I think looking tonight has brought it all to the surface again.
i told the women’s aid place about it and they said it was common but I can’t even think about it without feeling shame, guilt and feeling sick as well.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. I would bet poor OP grew up with parents that constantly critisised her, put her down and made her feel ashamed of minor normal character flaws. I'd also guess she was the "scapegoat" and a brother or sister was the "golden child".

Ok, I have visa free entry for most countries, but I think for UK citizens it's mostly visa on arrival (like for Japan) which is as good as no visa right? Just a brief interview by border official which is pretty standard even for "visa free" entry. I feel like there's no difference in practice.

You need to go to therapy, there’s a lot to unpack here. It sounds like the stuff with the family has understandably damaged you and you are carrying shame from it. You deserve to move on from this and are a good person.

This xx

Oh @Hannahhanhannah please let it go....

No one's perfect - you fucked up years ago.... Really feel for you... Please forgive yourself x

Yes! I was the scapegoat and my brother and sister were golden. I won’t open the can of worms about it but my mum used to take them into a room and whisper about me very loudly and then tell me how wonderful they were and made it clear she hated me, nothing was good enough

It’s great that you got specialist domestic abuse therapy, and I hope it helped you. However, that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about therapy (and possibly medication) to help you deal with the feelings you’ve described. None of that is proportionate. It’s unlikely that anything anyone says on MN will suddenly ‘cure’ you. Please go to your GP and tell them everything you’ve just told us.

OP have you ever considered EMDR therapy? I think it would really help you if you can afford it. You don't deserve to live with this level of guilt and trauma for one mistake, under extenuating circumstances where no one got hurt, 30 years ago.

I’ve never heard of it, I will look into it.
I still feel I deserve this guilt because of the magnitude of what I did if that makes sense.
I don’t know how criminals do things and don’t feel guilty.
i think tonight I am triggered as I was looking into visas etc so have spiralled

This 💯%.

Most people just don't declare if it's a minor DUI, China really doesn't care either. It is no stricter in this regard than many other countries like Canada (blanket ban on DUI). Those who have declared (for serious visas not tourist visas) minor DUIs have received their China visas. Frequent Asia traveller here. Nothing will happen (that is, if you don't start bawling and unsolicitedly presenting yourself as some roughened criminal).

I just recognise a lot of "me" type behaviour in your posts. I would also be the type to call the police on myself and confess to things I'd done wrong. (Most people would be trying to dig their way out!) It gives you an added vulnerability - unfortunately there are people who'll love that and make you the fall guy. Abusive types love it. You don't deserve to be that person.

I agree with a PP - the Drink driving is a red herring. I think you're using this as "proof" that you're a bad person and "self sabotaging" with it.

This'll take a few years to unpick. But start by recognising this for what it is. Bit by bit you can pick yourself esteem up. But it starts with the stopping of reinforcing those old childhood messages of "you're not good enough ". You are.

Thank you x I’m sorry you can relate to this, even when I think I’ve left my childhood behind perhaps there’s subconsciously lots left that’s unhealed. Maybe always wanting that validation from family that we’ll never get.
it’s a minefield x

Oh, bless you. She will not hate you for that. I have no idea why your family claim it has brought shame on them. You did a foolish thing in a very difficult situation and, fortunately, no harm was done to anyone except you. Please try to stop hating yourself.

Please be honest with her. You can plan a brilliant trip together and if she wants to visit other places someday, she has plenty of time to do that.

In which case there's nothing whatsoever to be ashamed about. People make mistakes and learn from them. Can you check the entry criteria for the countries you're planning on going to? I can't imagine it would still be active as it was so long ago. Spent conviction.

With my family it’s keeping up appearances and they also thrive on internal drama

This is so sad. I think we are more compassionate and understanding these days, and rehabilitation over conviction.

You really need to stop beating yourself up over a minor indiscretion, and to be fair an honest explanation of feeling scared and vulnerable.

The only person still worrying about this is you.

Go on holiday, and if it makes you feel better - tell your daughter the truth. Look into it together. She’ll respect you more for it.

When I’ve looked, a lot of the south East Asian countries appear to be any conviction even spent but I spiralled and got triggered so maybe need to look better.
also lots saying not to declare spent (and it’s been a long time spent) but I’m scared it’ll show on a computer and I think honesty is always the est policy whenever possible

Back in the day I expect a lot of young people could have been arrested for driving whilst over the limit including myself. I'm not proud of it but felt capable at the time and wasn't stopped and got home safe. I'm not sure anyone can reassure you over your worries as they're completely irrational. If you can afford it pretty sure therapy would help.

OP I am so sorry this happened.

Please get some counselling to deal with the guilt.

You did something silly many, many years ago in intolerable circumstances.

Your daughter will understand, and your family are wrong to make you suffer for this.

Be kind to yourself OP, please try not to worry about the past. You sound so lovely and I would only be proud of you if you were my mum.