Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

I’ll give the back story.

me and my ex had a few drinks and he attacked me so I ran out the door as he chased me and I kept in the car and drove off to my friends. It was about 3am, nobody was hurt, nobody in the car with me and when I got to her house I rang the police on myself. I felt so bad and guilty and told them everything. They came out and took me to the station and did the breath test and charged me. So I have a conviction which is now spent.

yes I do have anxiety, but also I’ve just never been able to forgive myself as it makes me feel sick to think about it. It’s my biggest regret in my life and even now I’m in tears typing this.

she wants to go to Japan which won’t allow me and china which also won’t let me. I just feel so sick like ill let her down too.

my family said i brought shame on them so didn’t want to be associated with me after: I have had some contact but only sporadic and when they need something or if someone died basically

Your family are in he wrong here. What you did was totally forgivable.

This is an anonymous forum, no one knows you. You can offload and let go off your burden.
If your daughter wants to go travelling with you, you obviously have a very strong bond.
No one will turn their back on.

Honestly it was a mistake 30 years ago. No one will judge you for it now. Be honest and choose countries that will let you in. Good luck.

Unless you went to prison for it you can enter Japan

If you were my mum I'd 'forgive' you in a heartbeat! You have spent the last 30 years torturing yourself over something you have been punished and served your time for. It's time to stop now and forgive yourself.

You're being too hard on yourself.

I know a guy who killed 3 people and his explanation. " I wasn't looking"

He just got a fine and a 6 month ban.

He's still driving and is an arrogant sod and I wish he'd been sent to prison as he has no remorse.

So was there a crash?

I think you are beating yourself up far too much over this.

Im sure there are other places she wants to go that would allow you in. She will just have to go to those places without you.

It’s absolutely lovely that she wants to do this adventure with you. I’ve got a 21 and an 18 year old and they are great, both of them and I have fantastic relationships with them both but they have not asked me to travel the world with them! You are obviously doing something right.

You need to forgive yourself Op & be a lot kinder to yourself. If you were my mum, I’d totally not hold it against you.

You made a mistake op, under massive pressure, 30 years ago. It’s time to forgive yourself.

This doesn’t make much sense to me. You’d get a tourist visa to Japan and most places fine.

OP, Your family seem utterly bizarre to fall out with you over this - do you speak to them at all now ? Is there some kind of back story to this - beyond the drink driving thing ?

Stop being so hard on yourself x

You can go to Japan and China. I know someone who did the same as you and he went there last summer.

Goodness I know at least 3 people with drink drive convictions one being my brother where it was aggravated by crashing with a minor in the car and, while fuming with him at the time, it is long since forgotten. Your family sound unbelievably judgmental. I am so sorry you are feeling like this all these years later and I think most people would not have rung the police to report themselves. Are you absolutely certain it would come up on a search re travel to Japan?

Yes OP this just doesn’t add up. You would be able to travel to Japan if that’s all that happened 30 years ago. Also your family disowned you for calling the police on yourself after fleeing an abusive situation? Feel like you aren’t giving us the whole story.

It’s not uncommon to find that women who end up with abusive men come from families that are dysfunctional too.

If my dd was fleeing a bad marriage, I’d be more concerned about keeping her safe than thinking about my reputation or the family name. Wouldn’t you?

Could you forgive your dd if this happened to her?

Please forgive yourself. You made a mistake, you’ve owned your error and taken full responsibility for it, learned from your mistake and now it’s time to move forward. Nobody else was hurt.

It’s very strange that your family have cut ties on the back of this incident, particularly because you were running from domestic abuse. It makes me question their values. Why cut off a child who desperately needs help. Personally I think you should get therapy to help you forgive yourself.

If you were my mum, I’d tell you to forgive yourself and give you the biggest hug. Your family are the unforgivable ones, you made a mistake and they’ve made you a scapegoat.

You will be able to go to Japan and China. I won’t go into detail but someone I know has served jail time for theft and has been to both theses places.
Yoh need to let this go. I think you were unlucky to be charged actually.

Please listen to an old woman: you've suffered enough. Be kind to yourself. Stop punishing yourself over this.

This is mad. I’m a complete law abiding person so would also feel awful if did this but you’re blowing this out of proportion. 30 years ago you made a bad decision in a bad set of circumstances. You made a mistake and there’s some consequences. Honesty is the way forward, holding it in makes you spiral.

cross post after your update

No-one injured

It's a good thing you recognised that it was the wrong thing to do on so many level, but you are being over-dramatic about it, if it happen before your daughter was even born.

Was there a crash or something?
There's a piece missing in the story.

I don't understand otherwise why you phoned the police.

Your story doesn't make any sense, why did you call the police after you had already arrived at your destination? You're being way too hard in yourself.

I think you have amplified this in your mind. You need to cast the guilt and shame aside. You served your time. It’s wrong but people do far worse things. Tell her. She might secretly think you’re a bit of a cool dark horse! A woman with a past. I mean she won’t think it’s good obviously but I’ll be a good chance for her to see it’s your first time here on planet earth as well and people make mistakes. It’s really not a big deal.