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Original poster

Can stbxh refuse to look after all of his children?

24 replies

clpsmum · 19/08/2019 18:19

Stbxh has our 3DC overnight one night a week. He is now saying he only wants to take two of them each week. Is he able to do that?

OP posts:
Needanewname2 · 19/08/2019 18:24

I don’t know about legally, but morally someone thinking it’s OK to take care of their own child 2/3rds a night a week is a dick.

It’s also very convenient that it leaves you no child-free time and so limits your opportunities to start forming a life for yourself.

8by8 · 19/08/2019 18:31

Yes. Unfortunately he can’t be required to look after his children at all.

The contact he’s offering is to have 2 out of 3.

Have a think about whether you think that’s in the best interests if the children and whether you want to agree to this.

Original poster
clpsmum · 19/08/2019 18:41

I definitively don't want to agree to it I'd rather he had none of them. I just don't know whether legally I can say no

OP posts:
lunar1 · 19/08/2019 18:43

It's not fair on the children, personally I'd say it was all or none and he could take me to court.

TuckMyWin · 19/08/2019 18:44

If you said no he'd have to take you to court for access, and I'm pretty sure a court wouldn't support him leaving out one of the children.

sadandtired01 · 19/08/2019 18:46

Take them all or take none
Agree it’s possibly rooted in trying to control you.
Does he intend to rotate those who go or is it one who is to be regularly left out and could there be a reason ?
Only two beds . Only 2 seats in a van or car spare ? Special needs with one of the children etc

everythingcrossed · 19/08/2019 18:47

Does he mean that he wants them on a rotation basis or that he doesn't want one of the children st all? Either way, I'd say no.

Original poster
clpsmum · 19/08/2019 18:47

@sadandtired01 yes special needs for one of dc. Never been a problem until now. He's been staying over once a week for the past 14 months but now he's decided his flat is not suitable. That's crap it's because he doesn't want me to have a life. I don't want my son to be excluded every week xx

OP posts:
Lovemenorca · 19/08/2019 18:49

No court will enforce contact

Which makes sense as ultimately the children suffer being with a parent that actively doesn’t want to be with them

I’m afraid you’ll just have to accept the situation, crap as it is

sadandtired01 · 19/08/2019 18:51

Ok are you able to tell us what the additional needs are ? Does he want this child excluded all the time ? Could he have them at your house while you stay with friends or family (not ideal but would allow you a break and all of them to see him at the same time )

sadandtired01 · 19/08/2019 18:52

How old are the 3 kids

Lovemenorca · 19/08/2019 18:53

I know the temptation is to say all or none

But no one benefits from this arrangement.

Is there any possibility of the two of you having a decent conversation about it?

RandomMess · 19/08/2019 18:57

I would call his bluff as you know he is doing it to control you and say "all or none".

It may just mean he has none though.

Lovemenorca · 19/08/2019 19:22

Please ignore bluff suggestion

Childcare arrangements are far too important for game playing.

RandomMess · 19/08/2019 19:40

And I think it's very damaging for one sibling to be excluded...

Op I suggest you try and arrange babysitters so you can get out etc.

Good luck Thanks

Original poster
clpsmum · 19/08/2019 20:02

Thanks everyone for comments. I would rather he had either all of them or none of them. He's not excluding one.

Special needs are learning difficulties and severe autism.

I don't want him to stay at my home with them tbh I'd rather he didn't have them. I can't bear the thought of him snooping through my things (which he would) and being there while I'm not. I'd rather he didn't have them.

It's not actually the end of the world for me if he doesn't have them it's the children that will suffer. I just don't think it's a very positive or loving message to send to any of the children to exclude one all the time.

He's doing this to control me and for no other reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
clpsmum · 19/08/2019 20:02

@sadandtired01 they are 8,10&13

OP posts:
Original poster
clpsmum · 19/08/2019 20:03

@Lovemenorca I wish we could have a decent conversation but unfortunately not. Any conversation where he doesn't get his own way or I don't "do as I'm told" ends up with him either sulking and blocking my number etc or him screaming at me

OP posts:
Happyspud · 19/08/2019 20:05

I’d tell him that he doesn’t get to pick and choose which children he is a father to and you won’t let your other children see him abusing one like that. So he can take you to court for access.

Summerunderway · 19/08/2019 20:06

A court would frown upon the dc being split like he is suggesting.
Hell, my ex had a case for trying to see my dc (that weren't his) so highly regarded are sibling relationships held by a judge.....
Seek legal advice is my advice.

helpmum2003 · 19/08/2019 20:08

Say no and he can go to court if he wants....

Starlight456 · 19/08/2019 20:11

I would say all or none .

Do you think though he is genuinely struggling with the dc with sn’s? What is he offering for that child? Does the dc with Sn’s not sleep?mostly I see not having all siblings as control of rp however it is odd he has waited till 14 months of separation.

I see it very damaging to siblings relationship

Original poster
clpsmum · 19/08/2019 21:55

He doesn't struggle any more than I do with the special needs. It's honestly not about the kids it's about me going out for a coffee with a male friend and him being able to control my life by not taking the children so I never get any time to myself. He's disgusting. I don't know what sort o. Message about inclusion he hunks he will be sending any of our DC if he refuses to have one of them. I'm actually so angry with him. He say and cried and quizzed our 8 year old about my personal life at the weekend 😡

OP posts:
Summerunderway · 19/08/2019 22:29

I commented on your other post, why not call his bluff (in the short term), breezily send 2 and tell him you have a baby sitter for the other 1...
See a solicitor though or this will be your life...
He won't be supported in court with separating the dc. Sn or not.

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