Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Am I entitled to know where the DC are on holiday?

224 replies

ilovemilton · 25/07/2016 10:20

Shared care order. Two weeks court ordered holiday in August and one in October.

He is taking the children, 10 and 7, away on holiday during these weeks. He says the details of such are non of my business and he refuses to tell me any dates or locations. This is making the already hostile 10yo refuse to go to contact even more. DC have never been away from home this long without me and this is just adding to their distress.

Am I meant to know where they are? If so, how is this enforceable?

OP posts:
Fourormore · 03/08/2016 20:17

I'm not saying I don't believe you, Milton, I'm saying people are giving advice based on one side of the story, without sight of the case history and some of that advice is potentially going to make things significantly worse. You said yourself that further allegations would lead to a care order being invoked - you have now made a further allegations against your ex that has been left as NFA and to Social Services that have also decided to take no further action.

Your only option is to speak to someone who knows what they are talking about, understands the laws, ideally understands the judges in your area etc etc. Posting part details on a forum and asking for advice from people that could be anyone is just not a solution.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/08/2016 21:38

Why is nothing ever investigated? Why is it always, we phoned him and he said it didn't happen, and that's the end of it?
It is frustrating and it feels like the whole world doesn't believe a word I say. I do appreciate the comments though.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 04/08/2016 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/08/2016 09:53

I,ll not go into detail here but I have had this for years...emotional not physical...I was actually told recently to go to woman's aid for help because he is 'still controlling' you by using the courts against you..I find it very hard that often the actual 'truth' doesn't seem to come out in court just variations of it that don't make sense..I also find it hard when court officials see what they want to see and not the real actual truth ( not just my side or his side but the actual full truth) ...
On a more positive note my kids are now finally old enough to start standing up for themselves and he finally pushed them enough to cause them to make a stand..things are very difficult at min but they have finally had enough and are making that clear to anyone who will listen so finally it's not me saying 'but the kids want this' and me being told I'm influencing them ( which I wasn't I have tried extremely hard not to and to keep financials separate from contact) ..hopefully nice we get over the next few weeks and he stopped his stalking etc ( non mols are on the cards) we can get some peace and the kids can feel like they are in control of when/if they see him...
Hope things get a bit better soon...it's tough I know..

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/08/2016 09:55

Once not nice

Original poster
ilovemilton · 04/08/2016 17:45

He issued proceedings today for residency, based on my false allegations, emotional abuse and my attempts to get him into trouble with his employers.

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 04/08/2016 17:50

milton I'm sorry to hear that.

How were you notified? Did his solicitor phone you? Did he? Until you receive the paperwork, I'd be very dubious of believing what you have been told.

My DHs ex told him she has applied to court to remove his PR - when the paperwork arrived, it turned out she'd done nothing of the sort. (She thought she had, but was in such a rage that her application was barely coherent).

Fourormore · 04/08/2016 17:50

Please, please get some proper advice, Milton. I'm not remotely surprised that he has now done this, given what you've said on this thread.

NameChange30 · 04/08/2016 17:56

You
Need
A
Solicitor

thisisafakename · 04/08/2016 18:00

He issued proceedings today for residency, based on my false allegations, emotional abuse and my attempts to get him into trouble with his employers

How do you know he has done this? Is he self-representing now? His legal aid certificate would not cover a fresh set of proceedings and would not have been amended in the time scale you have given. You would not have been served with any paperwork yet either. Also, from what you said in your OP, he already has residence- ie an order that the children live with you both.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 04/08/2016 18:09

A letter from his solicitors, detailing his version of events and saying they have returned the matter to court.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemilton · 04/08/2016 18:12

A letter from his solicitors, detailing his version of events and saying they have returned the matter to court.

OP posts:
thisisafakename · 04/08/2016 18:16

A letter from his solicitors, detailing his version of events and saying they have returned the matter to court

OK, well the certificate must still be active which seems very unusual seeing that the proceedings had concluded (after 3 years). Usually legal aid certificates do not cover applications for variations once the matter has finished. It sounds very odd.

You need legal advice on this. You cannot get it from this forum.

TimeforaNNChange · 04/08/2016 18:23

If finance for a solicitor is a challenge, then you can wait until you receive official notification from the Court - it may be a ploy and he has no intention of going through with an application, especially if he has to pay.

But, I do think you need to do whatever you have to in order to secure expert legal advice. Sell anything you can - I sold all my jewellery (including wedding/engagement rings and all the gifts ex had given me), furniture, clothes and electricals in order to cover legal/mediation costs.

IndieTara · 04/08/2016 18:45

I really feel for you OP. Been going through something that sounds very similar myself for the last 3 yrs with very similar responses from the court and Cafcass etc. Unfortunately my ex is foreign and allowed to take my DD to his home country for holidays. I live in constant fear of doing something that will provoke him to the extent he wont bring her back. If that ever happened I wouldnt ever be able to get her back so Im constantly treading on egg shells.
You have my sympathy for your predicament

DarkBlueEyes · 04/08/2016 18:47

I have read this entire thread and it has made me simultaneously want to sob in a corner and rip out the throat of your ex ilovemilton.

I cant' help you, I'm not a lawyer, I bloody wish I were as I'd represent you and wipe the floor with your ex-husband.

If everything you say is true and I have no reason to doubt you at all, then our legal system is broken, as there is no way an abusive man should be able to get away with abusing at will and effectively preventing you from reporting future abuse!!! How is this even possible?. It reminds me of that case recently where the Dad murdered his 6 year old daughter and the judge had ruled that he wasn't able to be charged again (or something along those lines) and she resigned afterwards. It's Kafka-esque and I just don't understand how this can be allowed to continue.

How did he discredit the witness? It almost seems like you need a hidden camera in your house to record this stuff so it can't be disputed.

I wish I could help you. I hope someone has sent you a PM with the name of a hotshot solicitor who can help you. I am so very sorry, it seems every way you turn you can't win.

Well, that was about as much use as a chocolate hammer, but I couldn't read all of that and not offer you some support and encouragement.

Please just keep going. Just keep going.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/08/2016 19:50

You need evidence. Text messages, recordings, something, anything.

If your children are in counselling - any reports from them.........

I do agree with others if you totally abstain from contact and do not rise to the bait then you will be literally starving the monster. You need to stop feeding him.

Do not ever show your concern or worry to the children. At the moment you are powerless. Until at least they reach a certain age and completely refuse to go.

Though it must be said, the Cafcass lady must have spoken to the children on their own to ascertain their views and wishes?

Original poster
ilovemilton · 04/08/2016 20:29

She did the vaguest interview ever three years ago, with me present. Then complained that the result was impacted by me being present, but never did another. Because dd made the decision to never see her dad again when she was 6, even though this was based on experience of abuse, this has been deemed a fixed decision, not an informed decision and will never be accepted.

OP posts:
Fourormore · 04/08/2016 20:33

The children have also had a guardian haven't they?

Original poster
ilovemilton · 04/08/2016 20:39

Yes sorry. I use the word interchangeably. It's he same person.

OP posts:
thisisafakename · 04/08/2016 20:57

The children have also had a guardian haven't they?

Yes, fourormore, this definitely sounds like a case where the children should be separately represented, but I actually wonder from what the OP has described so far, whether this has happened.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 04/08/2016 21:08

The children were represented and had a guardian. I was never allowed to speak to either, whilst exh had their mobile numbers and called them everytime he caused an argument or the children refused contact (despite me eventually forcing them to go).

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 04/08/2016 21:14

milton as others have said, and I suggested upthread, you are feeding your ex.

You need to move away from a situation in which he can "cause an argument". As my mum used to say, it takes two to argue. Ignore him. Do not engage. Make statements. Do not negotiate. Stick to the letter of the order.

The more ammunition you give him, the more shots he can take at you.

ThatStewie · 04/08/2016 21:21

Please phone Rights of Women. They are a legal organisation who have specially trained solicitors who deal with these types of cases. They are the best organisation in the UK for these kinds of cases.

NameChange30 · 04/08/2016 21:47

ThatStewie
I already advised that... on page 3 of this thread... 10 days ago.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.