Will PR be granted? Please give advice.

[Olafsmum]

Hi previously in court once (directions hearing I think its called). ex wants contact of our 8 month old DC and to be on the birth certificate.
He has seen DC a handful of times, doesn't pay maintenance, I haven't claimed it, and I don't want it but he has brought gifts numerous times and posted some odds and ends.
I am not allowing contact unless it is at contact centre. I would like reports of him bonding with dc and I don't understand why he is interested. (He is engaged, she has a child I believe they are trying for one of their own)
In court last time we agreed contact centre and that I add him to the birth certificate. I haven't added him. And he hasn't had any contact at all as he couldn't afford the transport or contact centre costs (would cost him £90 a session - low income I believe.)
He has been in contact a lot indirectly, sent gifts asks for photos daily. But I still do not want any less than contact centre. I don't want to be around him, feels like he flaunts his happy life infront of me and I cant be doing with it while struggling to keep my own relationship together tbh.

So what is likely to happen now in court please? I am self representing and very nervous. Is it likely he is to be granted contact outside of a contact centre? He hasn't done anything towards me or dc... and is being nice. Will I be forced to add him to the birth certificate now?
Cafcass checks have come back clear for both sides - if that helps?

OP you are making this very hard on yourself. I can guarantee you that the judge will laugh at your suggestion and possibly wet his pants at the idea that it is generous! I am not trying to be harsh here- i am giving you fair warning that you will be putting yourself through the wringer for what is going to happen and sooner rather than later. I really do urge you to seek counselling as your reasoning/ rationale wrt this is not normal or healthy. You are hurting yourself by persisting with this obstructive behaviour. You are in denial but this is going to happen. You need to get your hea around that soon or your will cause yourself so much stress. Please seek professional advice or counselling.

This women evidently isn't going to listen to anyone, if she is actually for real...the more she opens up the more I think its a windup.

If she is for real then best let her get on with it and find out for herself the 'logic & idiosyncrasies' of the family court, otherwise this thread will go round in circles.

Op don't want to hijack thread but it has hit a nerve with me.
At the moment I am in court with my ds father and praying and hoping he does not get unsupervised contact. Background is his double figure offences and convictions including domestic violence towards myself and xp with recent conviction for dv resulting in a suspended sentence and two non molestation orders. One of which is protecting myself from him of which he wants removed.he has also emotionally abused our ds on occasion where ds became frightened of his intimidating behaviour and encouragement of ds being physically violent towards me. I am classed at high risk of dv through womens aid and I'm frightened of the harm to us both from him. Cafcass report have flagged up major concerns over him.
The father of your dc wants contact with your child and seems like he is using the right channels to do this. From your posts I can see he has done nothing unusual or wrong.Courts are not the nicest of places and not really what you want to put yourself through if you don't have too. Please can you put the needs of your dc first over your own.
Because believe me I wish that I had your circumstances rather than mine and my ds at the moment.

Ex has accused me now of finding out information on them online! Even more of a reason to keep him from my son - accusing me of being a stalker! This is why I do not wish for contact. Feels like I am always being accused of one thing or another. (Trapping him, lying to him, withholding our son and info about him, now I am a stalker!)

To those of you making out it was a one night stand it wasn't, we dated for 6 weeks - still not a period of time where u get to know someone.

I truly hope its a wind up for the childs sake.

If its true, i hope the judge sees the OP for what she is and grants the father 50% access at the very minimum.

All this talk of him being a stranger, yet intimate enough to have sex and reproduce with him. The cynic in me would say he was used as a sperm donor with the hope he would simply disappear.

Well, you are withholding your son.
Sigh. Court is the only thing you are going to listen to, isn't it?

And you didn't even do that last time. Did you read Mumblechum's message?

I doubt he will get 50% if he has only seen him 5 times. Its not a wind up, I don't know why everyone keeps saying that :( I just care about my son and want him to be looked after and cared for properly. I don't want this to be rushed, and I am scared for him. Scared of him being let down, disappointed, left out etc on top of being with a stranger, until they get to know each other.

Yes I read mumblechums message - but like she said that is a very rare thing to happen.

I am genuinely worried for myself and my son! Being accused of being a stalker! They seem deluded.

Op

You sound a very young immature mum, around 16 years old.

If you dont want someone to be a father to your child, then you dont have unprotected sex with them. It really is as simple as that.

Because you had sex with a stranger (knowing someone 6 weeks is still a stranger) then this is the consequence of that.

Please grow up before you son does, as he will hate you for denying him a father

How can they get to know each other when you aren't letting him see him?

And why on earth do you think that he would let him down - he has been trying to see him and emailing you about him every day. With you being this obstructive he would have quit by now if he weren't so desperate.

YOU are the one letting your son down. People are saying it's a wind up because no-one can believe you are being so staggeringly horrible to your son with your selfishness.

Your poor boy and his poor dad.

He may not get 50% immediately, but court will be happy to work towards that if he wants. Frequent contact - 2-3 times a week for a short period - would be normal now.

I don't believe for one minute you are "genuinely worried". You are desperate for any reason to continue unreasonably withholding contact.

Whilst I understand your trepidation about this and desire not to rush it, what he's asking for in the end (1 day a week and overnight every other weekend) is standard contact times seen as appropriate for NRP. You're being very selfish by saying he could never have his son for more than one day every other week. That would hurt both your son and your ex. It's just not fair.

You need to look at this from a different, less selfish angle. Not wanting to miss a baby group is not an appropriate reason to withhold contact. And perhaps if you felt you didn't know this guy, you should have a) not shagged him, b) used protection.

Sorry Op but it seems the only 'deluded' person here is You!

If everyone is telling you exactly the same thing, why are you not listening ?

I have listened! I just don't intend to ignore my instincts on this.. my guts is telling me to restrict contact. I feel that is appropriate here!

Ex is accusing me of being all these things DS is going to grow up around us arguing etc. Ex is refusing mediation and contact centre - things I think are very important that we do. How am I meant to communicate with him when he calls me a liar and now this idiotic nonsense about me stalking them online, when I haven't!

I think if he was willing to go to the contact centre, I would feel differently. But the fact he refuses to attend due to not feeling there is a need and the cost, says to me he isn't being serious about building a relationship with DS.

I'm hiding this thread now as it is head-bangingly irritating and reminds me of why I stopped doing Family Law.

I came across a lot of people like the OP over 25 years in practice and can tell you now that if the dad is committed (a lot give up in the face of implacable hostility of the mother), then there is only one way this is going to go.

What way is that mumblechum?
I am sorry you feel that way about family law...

Like I said - perhaps if he changed his ways, I would change mine.

He didn't refuse the contact center, it was beyond his means. Most people would struggle with £90 every 2 weeks for 2 hours. You could have looked at other options. Why can't you supervise contact or have a family member do it. He's probably refusing mediation because last time you agreed to do change the birth certificate and you didn't.

You're being manipulative which is why he is reacting as he is.

Sometimes people say they aren't on the windup, nor their sisters, but they are, I suspect.

Put your son first and change yours now and then you'll see the change in return. Stop being childish.

You can't restrict contact indefinitely. Once this reaches a court it will be out of your hands do you accept that?

If you end up going down a court route the "best interest" of your child will be determined by somebody else. Ultimately you will not have a say in the final outcome.

He may well have access in a contact centre initially but it will progress quickly and it will be unlikely that the contact centre is closest to you or of your choice, it will probably be in the middle if you live far away from each other.

Have you been looking for information online about him? I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, I certainly would find out everything I could about the person if I didn't know them well.

If you have then what he is saying isn't untrue, you are also through your own admission withhold information and contact and you have lied because you said you would change the birth certificate and you haven't.

You really aren't doing yourself or your son any favours.

It is in court, we have had one hearing. We agreed to try the contact centre and so the court made no order and said they would call us back in for a review.
I selected one but it was out of his price range. The other is 25miles from us both. He agreed to contact centre in court, I believe due to not getting previous advice from a solicitor. After the hearing some months ago, we have not agreed on the birth certificate or contact. So he has not seen him for 5 months now. I think he has now gotten advise and they have told him it is not necessary for it to be in a contact centre due to cafcass coming back clear.
He has then requested it supervised by me contact to start with - but I cant stand him and I don't want to be there. We have no other family members either of us trust or feel comfortable with.

The information I knew, he told me ages ago! I just remembered, and he says he didn't tell me. I do look online on their facebook etc, but he does not know this.

He is refusing mediation because I refused it prior to court, as my solicitor told me if we attended this would open up the door to him applying to court - which he did anyway!
He says that I am too difficult to mediate with and he says because of my uncompromising nature he will not attend, because he believes it is a delaying tactic, on my behalf! Which it isn't, I just want to understand the whole thing from his point of view, see what he wants and try to do it without his partner butting in, which I think she does as the emails are very.. proper.

It doesn't matter that you can't stand him and don't want to be there. Unless he has been abusive to you surely the best thing is that you ARE there to facilitate contact...!

I can't stand my ex. Most people can't stand their exes. You just have to suck it up and get on with it I'm afraid.

You keep saying he's a stranger to your son etc etc... so start contact with you there, surely then you can ease the transition rather than handing him over at a contact centre??

CArry on op being a pain in the arse, being very self centred about what you want and ignore what is best for the child.
Mums have done this in the past.
THey are now the ones with a contact agreement and the child living with the other parent. Because the other parent wants the best interests of the child.

This is the road you are going down.

Stop. Realise this is NOT about you. Wake up and listen to what people are telling you.

Contact will be unsupervised.
His name will go in the BC.
He will have the same rights as you as a parent.
He will get to have a say in education etc.
He will have over night contact.

How can you not stand him, lets face it you dont even know him! If you wanted a non stranger to father your child you should have been more adult about the conception.

Theres no valid reason for a contact centre and the judge will see that. Your wants go out the window, the courts will ensure both parents have a part in the childs life.

I would say imagine this was the other way round and your ex was obstrtucting contact but its not worth it as you seem to think everyone bar you is wrong.