Will PR be granted? Please give advice.

[Olafsmum]

Hi previously in court once (directions hearing I think its called). ex wants contact of our 8 month old DC and to be on the birth certificate.
He has seen DC a handful of times, doesn't pay maintenance, I haven't claimed it, and I don't want it but he has brought gifts numerous times and posted some odds and ends.
I am not allowing contact unless it is at contact centre. I would like reports of him bonding with dc and I don't understand why he is interested. (He is engaged, she has a child I believe they are trying for one of their own)
In court last time we agreed contact centre and that I add him to the birth certificate. I haven't added him. And he hasn't had any contact at all as he couldn't afford the transport or contact centre costs (would cost him £90 a session - low income I believe.)
He has been in contact a lot indirectly, sent gifts asks for photos daily. But I still do not want any less than contact centre. I don't want to be around him, feels like he flaunts his happy life infront of me and I cant be doing with it while struggling to keep my own relationship together tbh.

So what is likely to happen now in court please? I am self representing and very nervous. Is it likely he is to be granted contact outside of a contact centre? He hasn't done anything towards me or dc... and is being nice. Will I be forced to add him to the birth certificate now?
Cafcass checks have come back clear for both sides - if that helps?

Yes, it's hard for you and you need to make sure you're not making it hard for other people out of your own discomfort.

Parents don't have to prove they are good parents. You didn't have to. I didn't have to. I'd never even held a baby when I had my first child; I didn't have a clue! You learn on the job.

There's clearly a lot of regret for you here but the bottom line is if you continue with court, your ex will get a significant amount of contact and will get PR. There's no way for you to avoid that. You need to focus on what you can do to feel okay about what is going to happen because it is going to happen.

I am for real I am just worried and scared. So far we have had 8 months of just us.. now I am going to be lose him for contact little and often and more regularly, its scary.

I just would like to know whats going to happen in court, to prepare for it.

It is confusing when people don't post for themselves - perhaps you should leave it to your sister?

PR will not give him rights, but responsibilities. These would be in areas like religion, education and health. But that wouldn't give him the right to interfere with day-to-day decisions.

I would resent having to use a contact centre. It should also be considered that there are waiting lists for these places, and every place given to someone who has no need whatsoever to be there means that someone who has a genuine need has to wait longer. I also, personally, wouldn't want my child to be regularly in a room with parents who need supervision due to drugs, being abusive etc.

Sometimes life doesn't work out the way we want - but when you have a child you have to stop putting yourself first and do what is best for the child. Research overwhelmingly shows that children who are secure in there relationships with both parents do better than children who aren't.

Could I also suggest that continuing to have an 'on-off' relationship with a man who resents you having another man's child may not be a great idea.

It sounds as though you're making his contact with his child as difficult for him as you possibly can. This isn't about you, it's about your child and his right to know his father. Your feelings don't come into this I'm afraid, so you have to push them to the side and do what's best for your child.

I'm a single mother. I had no support from ds's father and he was horrendous to me when I was pregnant but I still didn't stop him from seeing his son, it was never my place to do this.

Give the poor bloke a break and give him your bloody phone number.

As others have said, this is not about you at all.

It's your child's right to have a relationship with his father and you must stop obstructing him.

I appreciate the anxiety you feel, I really do, but he is making an effort, daily emails and actually starting court proceedings tell me he does want contact with his son.

If you are seen to be obstructive it won't help anyone, least of all your son.

From what you say there's absolutely no reason he should have to have contact in a centre.

Start to work with him, allow him time to build up trust and move from there.

Try to reach a starting point to suggest at next hearing, or possibly suggest mediation so you can sit together and discuss your concerns, increase contact from there. It will be tough but you must do this

I am posting for myself now after that lol, I am at my sisters just using her login as I don't have a mumsnet login.
Anyway,

thank you for all your opinions etc.
If it happens then so be it, it will be taken out of my hands etc. I have never been to court before this and I just find the whole scenario very stressful and I cant afford much legal advise, so I was hoping this site would give me more of an idea of what to do/expect.

My relationship is over and I am now trying to focus on DS. This is why I was hoping his father would back off abit while I got my head sorted.

Isnt contact centre contact in a room singularly with each parent and child?
As he is a stranger, technically, would the court really just allow him to take him? Without being supervised?

OP i think you should see a counsellor to help you deal with these feelings. They are obstructing your sons relationship with his other parent and stressing you out aswell. Contact WILL happen. It will start off as small segments of time and build up gradually to a point where he is seeing his dad regularly, probably for overnight contact. You need to stop obstructing this. Your son will not thank you. See someone for your problems dealing with this situation and do the right thing for your son.

I hope they give him 50% custody

Well they wont now will they thenewsofa. How would that help the child being suddenly left with a man he doesnt know for half the week. Dont be silly.

I have suggested mediation since the proceedings started and he is now refusing to attend.
He says he wants it via the court and court ordered because he feels that I will go against what we will have arranged and he cant afford to keep applying to court for orders.
The one thing that worries me is he told me he had a episode of depression a few years ago. And the fact I don't know him, son doesn't know him. That's why I wanted it in a contact centre - and there to prevent him and my family having to supervise sessions between them and it ended badly. I was also under the impression the centre would document their contact and let me know how it was going. I wanted it here because we have no one else to do it for us, and I don't want to be around him.

He isn't a stranger, he's his father. CAFCASS will recommend a schedule of increasing contact but if there is no risk they won't hang about waiting for you to feel okay about it.

Contact centres vary. Some are separate rooms, some are one room like a parent/toddler group. In any case, your ex does not deserve to be in one and neither does your son, they aren't homely places.

Lots of people suffer from depression, that's completely irrelevant.

"He says he wants it via the court and court ordered because he feels that I will go against what we will have arranged"

Well you have proven him right havent you? By not getting his name on the BC like you agreed.

Mediation may well be the way To go op,
If it's not too late for it.

It will be cheaper and will allow you both to decide, like adults, how to go forward.

I had to go to family court for totally different reasons and one directions hearing and one review hearing cost in excess of £1400 I believe, including letter writing and appointments in between. Thankfully I received legal aid so only paid a small proportion of this. I had no choice as ex wouldn't attend mediation.

Costs would have spiralled, so too would the ill feeling and anxiety if it hadn't stopped when it did.

You need to Change your mindset and counselling is a good suggestion

Depression is irrelevant. I think you are grasping at straws.

Sorry, that was cross posted. I see mediation isn't an option and sadly sillybilly is spot on when she says he has been proved right, I've no doubt the court will also see this

In my very limited time at court I learned that judges don't like bullshit

Even if a court were to order a contact centre it would only be for a handful of sessions, over a very short period of time. You would be expected to move on to handovers yourselves pretty quickly. At 8 months your son is young enough to adjust quickly so make if easy for him now. As for the poster that suggested 50% custody, there are cases where Courts have done just this (and in some cases reversed residence) where one parent has been point blank refusing contact. Obviously these are extreme cases, but the Courts do have a wide discretion. Ultimately, it is far easier to reach an agreement by compromise with your ex and stick to it. You might not be happy with the agreement but as long as you can live with it that's ok. If you can't agree the decision will be out of your hands.

I think you need to be realistic here. It's entirely possible that the court will order that he has every other weekend, including overnights, and possibly a night in the week, if he pushes for it, possibly after a short while of shorter more frequent meetings - maybe after your DC is 1. This pattern is the minimum the court would really be looking for in the medium term, and you need to come to terms with that. It will happen, if the father persists. The fact you would rather he disappear won't be relevant to the court.

I know it must be hard, but you need to start thinking about how to make this work for your son.

I have written a letter to the judge requesting we attend mediation and that all contact between me and him is kept to emergencies only - via email and to handovers at contact centres.

I have also told them he is unwilling to attend a contact centre.

Have you taken onboard anything that was said on this thread?