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Original poster

Will PR be granted? Please give advice.

202 replies

Olafsmum · 24/04/2014 17:33

Hi previously in court once (directions hearing I think its called). ex wants contact of our 8 month old DC and to be on the birth certificate.
He has seen DC a handful of times, doesn't pay maintenance, I haven't claimed it, and I don't want it but he has brought gifts numerous times and posted some odds and ends.
I am not allowing contact unless it is at contact centre. I would like reports of him bonding with dc and I don't understand why he is interested. (He is engaged, she has a child I believe they are trying for one of their own)
In court last time we agreed contact centre and that I add him to the birth certificate. I haven't added him. And he hasn't had any contact at all as he couldn't afford the transport or contact centre costs (would cost him £90 a session - low income I believe.)
He has been in contact a lot indirectly, sent gifts asks for photos daily. But I still do not want any less than contact centre. I don't want to be around him, feels like he flaunts his happy life infront of me and I cant be doing with it while struggling to keep my own relationship together tbh.

So what is likely to happen now in court please? I am self representing and very nervous. Is it likely he is to be granted contact outside of a contact centre? He hasn't done anything towards me or dc... and is being nice. Will I be forced to add him to the birth certificate now?
Cafcass checks have come back clear for both sides - if that helps?

OP posts:
Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 25/04/2014 14:56

Frankly reading this it isn't him that's should be looked at carefully, it's probably you.

HavantGuard · 25/04/2014 14:56

Do you care about your child?

This man is your child's father. He wasn't abusive. He has tried to be put on the birth certificate. He has tried to see his child. You have blocked him as much as possible. What is your child going to think? What will you say to him when he asks you why you stopped him seeing his father?

Just because you don't feel you know him well enough you don't have the right to make him prove himself to you, agree to a contact centre or gain experience around babies before seeing his child. You got pregnant by a relative stranger. Not knowing him well enough to trust him is something you've had months to remedy.

The court will give him PR and your DS will have to see him. All you are doing is making it more traumatic for your child in the long run.

HavantGuard · 25/04/2014 14:58

As for 'I don't understand why he is interested', words fail me.

Original poster
Olafsmum · 25/04/2014 15:48

I told DS'S father about the letter to court. He says they wont act on my letter until its in court... is this right? He seems to think that the court wont agree to mediation and he is refusing to attend, saying that it will not work and that he isn't going to a contact centre either because he isn't an abuser and doesn't deserve to have to go to one.
I tried to explain he is a stranger to DS, but he doesn't believe he is, after only seeing him 5 times since birth :S

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 25/04/2014 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 15:54

Are you on the wind up?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 15:57

This is an 8 month old. He hasnt seen him for four months because of you but prior to that saw him 5 times in 4 months. That's more than once a month despite your best efforts to prevent it. Your son will be fine. Agree to 2 one hour sessions where you are present, then the next two where you go for a walk for an hour, then increase to 3 hours and so on.

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier · 25/04/2014 16:09

I have just read this thread and You have not took one bit of advice on board, If this is how you are going to be in court you really are in for a shock.

Original poster
Olafsmum · 25/04/2014 16:12

I would like him to do 2 hour sessions at a contact centre fortnightly until I believe DS is ok with him, and not overwhelmed, stressed or feeling vulnerable.

On the wind up? No, I just care about my son.

he has just offered 2 sessions while I am present
then unsupervised one hour sessions twice a week for two weeks
then we wants those sessions to build up every fortnight by 90 mins until we get to 6 hour sessions.
he said when ds is one he wants him once a week for a full day. and then every other fortnight for the full weekend, over night!!
that's way too much! and a lot to commit to also, I love to take DS to baby meetings etc, we got to 4 a week. He would no doubt miss out on these.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olafsmum · 25/04/2014 16:20

I have learnt from the thread and I am trying to see it from everyone's perspective and I do appreciate very much your opinions.
I do not wish to rush into a decision though, and nor do I wish to risk my son well fair for the sake of giving him contact with a man who is theoretically a stranger, right now.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 16:20

His suggestion is perfectly reasonable and the judge will more than likely implement it.

You would have to have evidence that preventing contact developing according to that schedule is for the benefit of your son. Fwiw- his dad can take him go baby group aswell. It doesnt have to be you. Your son gets the benefit no matter who takes him.

I agree that you are in for a shock in court.

PatriciaHolm · 25/04/2014 16:23

What he has suggested is pretty much the bare minimum he will get I court. Get used to it; every other weekend plus a weekday overnight is standard contact. Why should it affect you going to groups, anyway? And contact with his father is far more important than his fourth baby group of the week!

Court is going to be a shock, I think.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 16:23

He will definitely be granted sessions with your present and then without you. It will be reviewed periodically by the courts.

PatriciaHolm · 25/04/2014 16:27

The thing you need to understand is that these aren't your decisions to make. Court will make a contact order which is far more likely to grant the father the access he wants than not. You don't get to decide; court will make decisions based on the welfare and rights of your child, not your dislike of the father. Seriously, you need to start adjusting to that, or court is doing to be very hard on you. What the father is suggesting is entirely reasonable, and life would be much better for all of you if you can bring yourself to see that and not force a court case over it.

Whereisegg · 25/04/2014 16:27

You have got a shock coming to you op.

He is only allowed to email you, he does so daily but this isn't enough.

You think he doesn't show enough interest but you wanted him to leave you alone to sort your head out.

He is no threat to your son but you think he should be supervised during access.

You agreed to put him on the birth certificate then didn't.

The judge will not be impressed by your devotion to your son, you are being obstructive and downright deceitful.

Yes, your son may miss out on a group or two....with you!
His dad can take him, they'll have a great time.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 16:32

Fwiw- i worked ft when my eldest was born. He didnt attend any baby groups. He doesnt care.

Yambabe · 25/04/2014 16:48

He may not care about YOU. He seems to care a great deal about his child.

Grow up.

NatashaBee · 25/04/2014 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier · 25/04/2014 17:36

As previous posters have said, What he has proposed is perfectly reasonable.

rinabean · 25/04/2014 17:49

How can he care soooooo much about a child he didn't know was conceived? Oh my god! Legally he has the right but can you all stop it with the "taking your child's father away from them :( :( :(", did you not read that they split up BEFORE she knew was pregnant? It's not in any way shape or form his precious beloved child, it's his sperm and that's it. How on earth can you argue otherwise.

Whereisegg · 25/04/2014 17:51

rina what?!

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/04/2014 17:53

It's his child. A child that exists and will grow to have expectations of a relationship with a father. This child has a right to that relationship and OP is intentionally obstructing it because she is smarting over the fact she messed up and this man is a reminder of that. She wants to pretend he doesnt exist. Well when you create a child (outside of sperm donation) you are committing to having that person parent your child.

NatashaBee · 25/04/2014 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavantGuard · 25/04/2014 17:59

It's his child Confused. Do you live in a world where it doesn't count somehow if you're not with the child's mother when they're born?

It doesn't matter if it was a one night stand or a 3 year relationship. He is the child's biological father and the child has a right to get to know him. That's the man he'll grow up looking like. That's the man who will be able to fill in gaps about half of who he is.

If the man were violent or feckless I could understand the concerns. Getting pregnant by someone you don't know well, stopping them seeing the child and then complaining that they can't see their child because he's a stranger to them you don't know well enough is ludicrous. Of course the father is a stranger to the child. You've stopped him from seeing him!

Whereisegg · 25/04/2014 18:01

NatashaBee I wondered that too.