Just sent a letter demanding contact after 10 years

[Mrbojangles1]

AIBU to think ex is a prick for sending me a lawyers letter demanding contact after 10 years of virtually no contact with ds

I was so shocked when I opend the letter I burst in to tears

It's usual shit not paying maintenance, showing up for a while when suits then disappearing.

Then when half sister came along buying things for one but not for the other ds has never had a Christmas gift off ex half sister atteneds a private school meanwhile

At one point when ex was seeing ds 6 at the but I had to put a stop to it ex whent to the shops leaving ds looking after half sister also he was doing in secret ex was getting his dad to pretend he wanted ds for the weekend (wanted them to have a relationship at least ) then was driving ds straight to ex home

How did I find out ds told me hene he got home and the whole sordid thing came out and grandpa had to fess up about the whole deceit

How is it some men can think they can waltz back in after so long with a straight fucking face

I always said ex can see ds but their are a list of outstanding issues that must be ironed out he would adhere to the rules I set then I am not sure what elese I can do

My list

Must provide phone number(which he has always refused)

Must provide a home address(which he has always refused)

Maintenance (which he has never paid)

To acknowledge that leaving 6 year old child in charge of a 4 year old is wrong( which he dose not think is wrong)

To acknowledge that him and his father lied to me about the whereabouts of my son for 2 months(which he sees no issue with)

And to start buying dd christmas and birthday gifts or a least acknowledge these days which a speical to ds just like he dose with his daughter

To ring and cancel ahead of time if not coming (had a habit of just not Turing up and being shocked when I asked him to explain himself)

I don't think IABU to ask these things it's all I ever asked of him I will be taking this list and a letter from my ds to my lawyer on Tuesday of the first appointment they give me

What if he won't agree to these terms but still wants to push things he never agreed to these things so far

How old is your son and how does he feel? Sometimes people change and it's worth giving them the benefit of the doubt. Contact doesn't have to every other weekend. IF there has been a long break you son could start gradually to rebuild a relationship with indirect contact for a few months before meeting for half an hour or so and if your ex remains committed gradually build up to a few hours and then a day.

I should point out that the courts will not support your list of demands. Maintenance and contact are not linked as far as the courts are concerned, for example. They would not regard his non-payment of maintenance as reason for refusing contact. Similarly they would not be interested in arguments over whether or not your ex lied in the past and whether or not he buys christmas and birthday gifts.

How old is your son now?

How old is your son now? From the sound of the timescales you describe, the most significant thing is likely to be what he feels/wants wrt contact.

totally agree with prh ref your list of demands. Contact and maintenance are two completely separate issues and just because the non resident parents doesn't pay maintenance this doesn't mean they cannot have contact.
Some of your demands are reasonable, ie having a contact number and knowing where he is but the Court cannot and will not entertain other requests/demands such as he buy presents etc.

As others have asked, how old is your DS as much will depend on this.

I totally understand how you feel BUT your ex has seen your son in the intervening time & would have done so for longer but for you prohibitiing contact. None of your demands will be held up by a court I'm afraid but if your ex can afford school fees for his other child I would be contacting the CSA sharpish!

RedHelenB um no he would not have he left he alone when he was 6 with a 4 year old and went out, sorry but their was nothing else to do but stop contact as he dose not see the issue with this and was happy to repeat this

And to be honest I wasn't even aware that he was having contact as they were doing it in secret told ds to lie

Before this Contact was very patchy at best down to him not me I am very sorry but I just dont think it's right he can flit back in and out when suits two weeks here 6 months there

And that's how it was until I said enough proper arragments or nothing HE not me chose nothing

I did contact the CSA but because he claming benafits I am only entitled to £5 a week, he is a very shady guy my ex drives a brand new landrover I explained all this to the CSA but were not interested and that they could only go on when he has declared as earning

My ds is now 13 and only wants to see ex if he follows some basic rules and requests as above

As I work it out your DS is old enough to make his own decision on it and there is no need for you to be involved in any way.

Ah, cross posted - see he isn't quite as old as I thought- but still old enough to leave it to him.

I would leave it to your ex & son to work out then.

On the maintenance issue, whoever you spoke to is wrong in saying the CSA can only go on what he has declared as income. You should ask them for a variation on the grounds that his lifestyle is inconsistent with his declared income.

Went away to make a cup of tea between writing and sending my post and didn't see the demands. It isn't unreasonable to have a phone number and know where your son is for contact or to be notified well in advance of a change of arrangements.

I agree with the others. You can't do much about gifts (my ex was hopeless and the children were lucky if they were given a corporate freebie several months after Christmas or their birthday).

A parent doesn't have to prove themselves or earn a right to contact. A child is entitled to a relationship with both parents unless there is a very good reason. Historical difficulties and not paying maintenance aren't good reasons. Raising them would make you appear to be focused on the issues between parents rather than the best interests of your son and you are better than that.

Just be careful about assuming that your DS is as concerned as you are about your list of demands. It is fairly rare in non-abusive cases that the DC's aren't at least curious about the 'absent' parent. I really don't think getting him to write a letter in the first instance, without unbiased support, is very appropriate.

As your DS is now 13, the whole 'leaving him without supervision' thing is ancient history. A court proceeding will help with the 'flitting' in and out element, as they are likely to be very child-focussed and re-introduce the relationship a bit at a time. You will also get an address as it would be on the court papers. Could you perhaps approach the whole thing as 'better late then never'? Is DS really at risk of harm?

You have to separate your feelings about your ex and keep them to yourself. I agree with balia, your DS is now double the age that he was last time.