Looking for reassurance please, please no comments about what did I expect etc, I'm feeling very fragile atm and obviously I can't change my decision now!
Bit of background- had dc 1&2 fairly young (but after establishing my career, if relevant). I've always been quite maternal and loved raising them, of course there were hard times but overall I never felt overwhelmed. I always wanted 3 dc but husband didn't so assumed we'd stop at 2, and was happy with that although the longing for another never went away. DH then seemed open to the idea and I spent years agonising over the decision. I have a tendency to overthink things and obsess a bit, I really thought it through. All the sensible reasons pointed to sticking at 2, but I just couldn't get over that urge for another and felt that we could provide well for another, even though of course life would be more complicated. We had a now or never moment and I fell pregnant right away.
Baby is now 8 months, dc1 10 and dc2 is 8. I was worried how their lives would be affected but can honestly say that so far baby has enriched their lives more than I could have imagined. They absolutely adore her and due to age gap there doesn't seem to be any jealousy. Also their lives haven't had to change in terms of clubs etc as baby just tags along. I however am really struggling. I don't think I have pnd, I love dc3 so much and feel we have completely bonded. I also don't feel depressed as such. I just can't help but think that my quality of life was so much better before. I didn't think I'd miss my freedom as I know how quickly the early years go, and I don't remember feeling like I was missing out before. I miss my old life so much. I now feel that the longing for a third was just intense nostalgia for my big ones growing up. Everything just seems relentless now, dh is great and hands on but I am breastfeeding and don't want to miss out on my older ones, this means I am often doing bedtime with the older ones until 9pm and then have to get ready for bed myself as baby is up every couple of hours through the night. I miss just being able to go downstairs and have an evening! I miss going out with the older ones without having to worry about baby. I miss going for long walks with friends as it was easy to leave the others for a day. The list goes on. Even when baby is sleeping early evening I can't really relax as know she'll be up soon. House is a state, washing is endless, everything just feels so relentless and I find myself ruminating about my decision, not just in the short term but in the long term too. I've missed out on several big events this year. I feel like days out, holidays etc will never be the same again, and while before I felt that I didn't want to have grown up children in my mid forties as I'll (hopefully) have many years ahead of me and didn't want that era to be over so quickly, I'm now thinking how on earth am I going to manage a preschooler, teens and perimenopause all in one go! I know it's not helpful to think like this and all of the what ifs but I can't seem to snap out of it. Ultimately I know that as much as I love dc3 if I had my time again I wouldn't have made the same decision, but it's not helpful to be constantly thinking that. Or reading negative stories of 3dc. I'd love to hear some positives of having 3 children/2 with a big age gap/an unexpected child. Thanks for reading.