Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Larger families

Find out all about large family cars, holidays and more right here.

Flip

Original poster

"You can't buy for one and not the others!"

24 replies

lizabeth0607 · 05/06/2015 16:39

So together we have four children, DD, DSD1, DSD and DSD2.

So I went to sainsburys to pick up a few bits and there was a sale on the clothing, I had a mooch and come across a Cinderella t-shirt that my DSD2 had seen the weekend before and commented on. It was half price and I couldn't resist.
I bring it home and my partner says, "you can't buy for one and not the others!"
Erm does he have a point here?
I didn't go out intentionally wanting to buy her the top, but couldn't walk past it at £3.25!!
I looked for the others but there was nothing, should I have left it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MythicalKings · 05/06/2015 16:43

He's being daft. Of course you can. If one has outgrown their shoes do you have to buy all of them a new pair just because one is having them, even though the others still have shoes that fit?

Goodbetterbest · 05/06/2015 16:45

I have four and I buy for one and not the others all the time. It's often based on need, so if one needs something and the others don't, they aren't entitled to anything so can get over it.

Sometimes I do pick things up that I see, but they seem to understand it all pans out in the long run. If I am clothes shopping for say the oldest boy, youngest will get a new t-shirt maybe as he generally gets hand me downs. But I wouldn't go and get something for the girls too.

IMO we don't need to encourage a sense of entitlement in them.

User543212345 · 05/06/2015 16:45

I think he's being a bit precious. If it were the case that you were always buying clothes/gifts etc for one child and not for the others he'd have a point, but picking up an odd little thing here and there balances out in the end.

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 05/06/2015 16:57

Thanks ladies, I did think it was a little daft of him! MythicalKings it's funny you should say that, a couple of weeks back DSS needed some new trainers, he did indeed buy all four children new trainers!!

OP posts:

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 05/06/2015 17:04

I hate that attitude and I think its really bad to teach the children to expect it. If one needs new shoes or a coat are you going to buy 4 even though nobody else has grown out of their shoes or coat? Madness!
It evens out over time. One gets something this week, there is little doubt someone else will get something next week and so on. Fairness isn't everyone getting the exact same at the same time, its that everyone is treated the same, no-one is favoured or left out.

He is encouraging a sense of entitlement. Did you see the aibu thread the other day when people were defending a women who demanded money from her parents AFTER they had given her an equal share of their life savings (as well as her siblings)? It was insanity, but it was based on this attitude of seemingly extreme fairness (which it isn't!)

Floggingmolly · 05/06/2015 17:09

In general, no, of course not. But maybe he just saw the Cinderella top as a kind of frivolous "treat" type thing? I wouldn't buy little stuff like Match Attax or Trash Buddies, stuff like that for just one of mine.
How old are the others, would they understand why they weren't included?

Lovemylittlebear · 05/06/2015 17:11

Yes for something like that you can - just not a Nintendo on a whim without buying for the others x

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 05/06/2015 17:19

DSD2 is 6, she is who I brought the top for. The others are 3, 7 and 10. I think he does it to stop the "it's not fair, I didn't get one too" arguments. I didn't see the tread winter, but it sounds ridiculous! I'm thinking he may of thought of it as a treat and not something in which she genuinely needs therefore would be unfair? I don't know, fairly new to step parenting, so used to buying for just one!!

OP posts:

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 05/06/2015 17:20

Thread not tread**

OP posts:

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 05/06/2015 17:22

I think as long as it evens out overall of course you can just buy for one not all

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 05/06/2015 17:31

Oh this reminds me of when I was younger.... only two of us, I'm the eldest. My grandparents grandmother would always buy my brother a present on my birthday as it 'wasn't fair otherwise'. Roll on to my birthday and 'you're old enough to understand'. Eh?

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 05/06/2015 17:37

I have three. I tend to buy for one at a time. And lately not much for my 17yr old as he hasn't needed anything new.

Ds2 (13) just keeps growing and constantly needing new trousers and shoes/trainers. Dd1 is 9 and just slowing down in growth but still needing new clothes each season. I tend to buy little and often rather than a big splurge, but usually one child at a time. Eg I took ds2 shopping a month or so ago and brought him7/8 tops 3 pairs of jeans and a pair of shorts and brought ds1 socks and a tshirt.

Many would have seen that as unfair but ds1 has a drawer full of tshirts and a wardrobe full of sweatshirts that all fit. I know he'll fleece me for a pair of nike air max in the next few weeks and it's his 18th at the beginning if July.

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 05/06/2015 17:47

I think I'll have a word with him later on, he is like it in a lot of aspects, he wanted to take DSS to a boxing club, but as there was nothing on for the girls he said better not even though I offered to do something nice with the girls for the afternoon.

OP posts:

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 05/06/2015 17:51

he is not very practical, is he? And what a nasty way to bring you down for a lovely gesture you did for "his" child! I don't like his reaction at all.

we have 7 kids. I do the same as you - if it's appropriate or needed by one I'll buy it. no need to "equalise" for the others.
it would be impossible anyway, they all have different needs & likes.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 05/06/2015 17:58

The fairness obsession usually comes from good intent but in practice it doesn't work. And it isn't fair, dss didn't get to do something he would enjoy in the interest of fairness to the others...how is that fair to the boy? What you end up with is everyone being equally unhappy, which is not the kind of fairness I would want.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 05/06/2015 18:15

good intent. hmmm

consider this:
"just helping is the sunny side of just controlling"

enderwoman · 05/06/2015 18:19

You did the right thing and sound like a caring step mother. The children are individuals with different tastes and needs. In my case it all balances out long term.

Momagain1 · 05/06/2015 18:28

Is your husband from a small family? My ex's mother always bought for both of them, they each got presents on the other's birthday, etc.

My mother had 5 children, and managed regularly to buy for us individually as need or, as in this case, opportunity, arose. We had no expectations of everyone getting stuff, especially clothes, everytime anyone did.

Momagain1 · 05/06/2015 18:33

I think as long as it evens out overall of course you can just buy for one not all

That was the attitude we were raised to have. Everyone gets their own chances to be special, it all works out in the end, what goes around comes around, and besides, life isnt fair.

Once one brother objected that his slice of cake was smaller than the others. Mom said she would eat it then. And she did. And he had none.

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 05/06/2015 20:07

My partner is an only child. Whereas I have two younger brothers, my mom would often buy for just one of us, especially if there was special offers or sales etc.
It was my DSD1's 10th birthday last month and we went bowling in a big group, their mom isn't very helpful and often sends them in scruffy clothes, so we brought the others a nice not expensive outfit for bowling too, the look on DSD1's face was pure horror. They are forever in competition with eachother.

OP posts:

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 05/06/2015 20:13

Momagain- I get the cake situation with your brother all the time, I have even threatened to take away whatever the arguement is over, it's so daft, always the silliest things like the height of the pop in the glass or the number of sweets on a slice of cake!! my daughter wouldn't even notice!!

OP posts:

imip · 05/06/2015 22:07

I do buy separately for my kids, but I need to be careful as they always claim favouritism

But, like you op, if I walk past a previously much-coveted bargain, I can't let it go (unless it is Frozen, of course!).

My situation is probably complicated by a dad who is probably autistic (fucking diagnosis is taking forever) and the fact that they are girls all born within 5 years of each other.

Stitchintime1 · 05/06/2015 22:09

Things like clothes will work out over the years. I spend about the same at Christmas though.

Justusemyname · 05/06/2015 22:15

Buying clothes can't be treated the same as buying toys etc. that's just silly.

Flip