4th baby after surgery? Gap too large - thoughts/advice please?

[strobmrs989]

Am very new here, and cannot find anything specifically relating to my situation, would love some advice. I have 3 adored ds, aged 9 7 & 2, large gap between ds 2 & 3 as had 2 back surgeries in between.

DH and I would dearly love no. 4 and would have planned to ttc this year. However, I have recently been informed that I need another back surgery, in the spring. It will be very serious, risky surgery, with a long recovery period. While very much appreciating the lovely children I all ready have, no.4 is still very much on my mind. My surgeon has said if the op is successful, another baby would be an option, but would also mean 4th c-section.... My parents are horrified that I'd even consider another baby after what next year will mean for us all!

Realistically, even if we managed to conceive relatively quickly, my ds would be aged at least 11, 9 & 4 before I had no.4.... I feel as though I am being really selfish and that the gaps would be too large, when I should be concentrating on the eldest starting secondary school etc.

How manageable is having large gaps in reality? We do lots together as aa family & I wouldn't want to hold the elder ds back...

Any thoughts/advice would be most gratefully received!

I don't see mine as large gaps, but they are 15, 11, 7 and 4. Recently had a MC and that would have been another 4.5 year gap.
The spacing works really well for us- they all have different but great relationships (obviously they bicker sometimes).
I hope your op goes well and your recovery is speedy- personally, if there is no medical reason why not, I say go for it

Thank you! Very nice to hear a positive perspective! All I seem to get is insinuations that I'm being really selfish and that it isn't fair on the older ones (even though they adore their little brother) A family member even asked why I wanted to 'collect children' when we where on the subject over christmas, when I should be 'getting on with life' for the older ones!!

Catbus - very sorry for your MC x

Thank you
Yes- if it's any consolation, the news of number 4 didn't go down swimmingly with many! However, they soon fell as in love with him as the others.
Isn't it odd how some people assume your life with your older DC just stops when you have another?!
Admittedly, it does change, but for the better

I don't think that would be a large age gap. Mine are 13 and 7. Go for it and best of luck with your operation.

I really think that larger gaps (3-5 years) are quite good. For the mother/parents and for the children as well. It means that the mother doesn't have two babies at once. Mine are 2y10m and 5.5 years apart, and it's great. The first two are really close, and they both love having a "baby sister", who loves them both as her presonal gods/clowns/etc. I think if you really want a 4th, a large gap should not be a problem for anyone.