How does a 3rd baby/child change things?

[Molotov]

It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).

Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:

• How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
• A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
• I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)

We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.

If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?

Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?

I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.

I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.

Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )

Even suspicious pre-menstrual/possible pg symptoms and a late period didn't help me much this month!

I wasn't sure when I ovulated in December; it was probably later than usual so we might have dtd when I was fertile. Anyway, period was 4 days late and I had extremely tender boobs ... poas and it was -ve.

I had been excited at the prospect I could be pg, but was strangely relieved when the test showed -ve. I then felt a pang of disappointment and kept checking the stick in case it went positive.

Meanwhile, I think my DH is excited about ttc again. I need to make my mind up because blowing hot and cold must be irritating for him (although he has been understanding so far).

My DM has even been saying 'when you have another' and that she thinks we will definitely have one more! Although my DM can be very flippant and has been known to say whatever suits at the time. I need some maternal guidance, so MolotovMum's opinion counts!

Hi hinky, welcome to my epic thread Looking forward to reading your reasons

Hi hinky, welcome to my epic thread Looking forward to reading your reasons

Oops, double post!

Still flip flopping?

Me too.

I have 3. I was just commenting the other day how lucky the third is, there is always so much going on. I had a dd from my first marriage and she was 5 before her sibling arrived. Such calm they seem boring now days but they are long gone. ??

I have a lovely friend who has children the same ages as mine who has just today announced her third pg. I did feel a little jealous.

Then on the drive home, I realised that we could TTC this month. We could have a third, potentially.

Then the fearful feelings snowballed: another pregnancy and recovery; another CS; the need to move house; how challenging I sometimes find my dds ... I sometimes think I'd be crazy to add a newborn into that mix, then as the baby grows into a toddler and another round of unreasonableness and tantrums.

But why else would that pang of jealousy have been there?

In some ways I feel like I'm settling into life as the mother of 2 children: with dd2 almost 3yo, life is getting easier in some respects. But I can't get the thought of maybe one more not of my head. That's what my friend said, and why she went ahead (she has no idea of my situation, nor does anyone except DH IRL. I don't want to talk to anyone IRL about it in case we did TTC and it took ages again.)

My youngest two are 14 months apart. It was hard to begin with though i loved having the baby. Still feel the pull when i hold a snuffly newborn. Now they are 3 & 4 it is lovely. I wish we could freeze frame all 3 now. They all need and love us, are cute but can understand consequences sometimes and now sleep in. This is the best time being a family.

I think this indecision is just making me feel a bit miserable atm Kind of like I'm dammed if I do/dammed if I don't.

I've been getting a lot of tension headaches lately which I think are related to this being constantly on my mind; swimming around in a daily yes/no battle.

Well if you didn't mind either way, you would be more relaxed surely? Maybe it's not the third child you are scared of, but the TTC?

You mention it several times and it sounds like it has left a very deep impact on you. Please don't get yourself so stressed. My advice is, if you are so conflicted, if you don't try you will regret it. If you say no now, that is unlikely to be a decision that remains static over the next few years.

A dear friend of mine argued and deliberated for years. Eventually she did it but with an age gap of 8 years! She is very happy.

sorry for delay

basically it came down to all of the cons were short term things that would probably be resolved in a couple of years whereas most of the pros were things that were long term and lasting. think sleeplessness, career issues, weight gain vs another sibling, longer term support for out other children and another face at the table.

plus we've been going backwards and forward for about a year and when we had been erring on the side of no, I still thought about it every day and agonised. since we've thought about it again and have decided we will go ahead and try for no. 3 I've hardly thought about it apart from to think 'oh yes we'll be ttc from feb/mar onwards'

not much help I guess but I feel settled with my yes decision in a way I didn't with my no decision.

I guess the ultimate thing is that I'm sure I would deeply regret it in five or so years and then forever if we didn't at least try.

actually not sure that helps at all, sorry!

Oh Molvo, you sound like me a year and a half ago! I was also so stressed with the indecision I started sleep walking again! Anyway our DD arrived just before christmas. We've have both said how happy we are we decided to go for number 3 and now we properly feel complete! Honestly I would say go for it. Xxx

Thanks odd, hinky and MrsApps for your advice. Odd I think you're correct when you identified the mark that ttc last time has left upon me. My dream is to just 'surprisingly' get pg and get on with it. However, that doesn't seem to be my conception style Hinky, those reasons certainly resonate and have given me more to consider and congratulations MrsApps in the arrival of your little Christmas pudding!

Meanwhile, just at a time when I'm feeling very broody (all heart, no brain interference), my dds decided to be difficult on an EPIC scale today: arguing, fighting, complaining, disobedience, tantruming in tandem ... dare I attempt to add another child to deal with?!

It's an early bed time in Molotov's house tonight!!

Btw, I found myself taking glimpses of all little babies curled up in their prams today and staring at the mums pushing said prams

I totally get the scarred by previous experiences in being pg or getting there. Whilst it's not the same as in we were lucky to get pg both times relatively easily, our first pregnancy was awful from 22 wks on and our first son was born at 31 weeks then spent 16 weeks in the NICU. This has changed me, my husband and our marriage in a way no one else gets. Our second son spent a week in intensive care shortly after he was born which given our history was particularly difficult.

Even taking this into account, I think we would deeply regret not giving it a go for number three. I think all the crap would have beaten us if we didn't at least try for no 3.

And I had another great thought but it's disappeared from my head... Will come back if/ when I remember

If you are looking at babies like that, just get cracking. You'll at least know that you tried!

Remembered it.

It's a different decision this time as it's made fully in the knowledge of all the impacts having another child can. So making the decision to jar the first is pretty easy, you either do want children or don't. The second is also fairly easy to decide whether you want to go through it again vs having a sibling etc.

But when it comes to 3rd time, I know how great it wil be but I also know its tough to split your time between them, sleep deprivation and keeping your cool, I know the impact on my 'career', how hard I found it to lose the baby weight etc etc.

All the cons have been reality so I know exactly how it might feel. It's making a decision with the benefit of hindsight. Realising that made it a bit easier to figure it all out.

Thanks hinky, that's really clear and certainly explains the ease to ttc dcs 1&2 for many people (not just me), and then why dc3 is more of a risk/benefit analysis!

I'll definitely think on what you've said.

So, in a conversation between me and dh last night, as our dds are running around, happily playing:

DH: We should have another baby
Me: ... ... Why?
DH: It would be really nice

That basically sums it up. It would just be really nice to have another! Hope you find an answer that works for you. I'll be lurking if you want to these through the pros/cons all over again.

That's cute, Molotov.

We decided to ttc #3 just before christmas. This is our first proper month ttcing and I'd forgotten how much ttcing gets to me. I'm pretty obsessed already (yeah I know I'm super-neurotic), I got clearblue ovulation sticks this month (as when we'd made the decision I just wanted to crack on and be pregnant) and it's looking like I'm not ovulating, or ovulating late, and I'm already driving myself insane with this.

I guess what I'm saying is, for me at least the prospect of ttc #3 is no less stressful (if you're that way inclined) than ttc #1&2. I'm going to go for it because we've made the decision to, and I know despite all potential risks/drawbacks that it's what I really want. But I kinda wish I didn't really want this as I wish I was just enjoying life with the two dcs I have IYSWIM. If I can't have a third I will be very upset, as after deliberating for so long about it, it's now how I see our future (although I know I am so lucky to have 2dcs.

zippy, I know exactly what you mean re. wishing that you didn't really want a 3rd dc. If I was sure I didn't want any more, that would be one great big thing off my mind and a load of other little things (such as we could stay in our house for a while longer; I could look for cars that would just fit the four of us in). I could also find out about reliable long term contraception and sort out my annoying and uncomfortable periods.

But I feel like I'm in limbo ... well, more inclined (I'm now 80% for, 20% against) to ttc another child if only my worries wouldn't beset me right as we're in the middle of doing it!!!

My worries are about how another pg and repeat CS will change my body (I'm happy with my shape right now as it took me 9-12m after dd2's birth to get back to my new 'normal') and I also worry about the slight increase in placental problems as I've already had one CS.

Then there's the issue of needing to move and what if I had a newborn, a nursery and a school run to do? (That would be the case if I got pg between now and Christmas this year).

Would I be a good mother to 3?

So, I'd love to get pg but these worries keep running through my mind. I'm non CD14 today so this month's opportunity is passing us by.

Again. Because of me.

hey Molotov. I too had a CS with ds2. I have an overhang and a belly, but my stomach area has always been a poor point for me, so it really doesn't bother me. I'm not particularly vain and have resolved myself to the fact that no-one can ever see me in a bikini again so I don't have any concerns about how my body will change. If it does it does.

I imagine that for me life with 3 would be pure chaos for at least the first few months, until I get into a good routine (I LOVE a routine!!)

Any concerns I've had have been thrown to the back of my mind (financial, health etc). I just have tunnel vision now. I just want to be pg and having this next baby! I really did kid myself into thinking I could be chilled about ttc this time round. NO CHANCE! I am crazed already!!!!

Why don't you just not ttc but not use contraception and see what happens? Until you make a decision? It sounds like you want it and it sounds like you'd be thrilled if you were?

Gah, I saw my friends today whose third baby was born last month. Three just looks 'right' somehow (The fact that I love newborns doesn't factor here! Three just looks good). I need to be brave and just try, otherwise I think (most of) you are all correct in that I might regret it in years to come.

And if it doesn't happen, we have our two amazing daughters, who really do bring sunshine to our days.

We really do need a bigger house anyway. I can go to aqua natal classes and do pregnancy yoga/pilates to do my best in keeping trim (way ahead of myself here!)

CD16 now. Boobs are tender today so I've probably missed our chance this month. But I conclude (for now) that we should just try.