How does a 3rd baby/child change things?

[Molotov]

It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).

Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:

• How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
• A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
• I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)

We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.

If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?

Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?

I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.

I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.

Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )

I think if you have a third, whatever age your other children will be will be a struggle.

I had a surprise DD last year- DS1 was 13 and DS 2 was 10. I cant even begin to describe the challenge of it all.
The older boys dont all of a sudden become 'easier' to deal with, they still have demands although very different to one a toddler would have obviously (although the tantrum my 14 year old has just had wouldnt look out of place in a nursery).
They need to be here, there and everywhere- juggling their needs with DD is hard.

I think im saying if you want 3- then just do it- because each age gap will come with its own challenges!

I've been thinking about this thread a lot, and others that we've both posted on.

Reading what you've written, and about the logistics, head, heart etc; you seem to be looking for a light bulb moment?

What if there isn't one?

From everything you have said, it would seem you will regret it if you don't try. I think (from what you've said) you actually will deal with the consequences of this decision. The c section, the house move, the dynamics changing...

I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn x

No, you're not speaking out of turn at all, Screen

I think you're right about me waiting for - and wanting - a 'eureka!' moment. I was so sure about wanting a dc1 and dc2, so the fact that there are even issues for a dc3 bothers me.

What you've said makes a lot of sense

We deliberated for ages and ages about DC3. We had 2 DDs and a smallish house. I found going from 1 to 2 children hard. And my daughters' bond was so strong and we were worried about upsetting that.
We did indeed go for DC3 though and DS1 was born.when the girls were 8 and 4.
All worries were blown out of the water- they doted on him and the whole experience was fantastic
He was the most intense yet easy birth and happened to be a brilliant sleeper.
He is 7 now and although obviously they bicker, the bond he shares with DD2 is so strong and both DDs are also still very close.
In fact it was so awesome that we had DS2 three years later and that's been just as marvellous. And currently pg with DC5 (definitely the last)
Fwiw, I am the world's biggest anxiety queen so I really do understand your dilemma. .
I guess that the thing that was the deciding factor with DC3 was many things all factored together, with the overriding feeling of never wanting any regrets of not trying.
Oh yes, our dds and ds shared a room.in our 2 bed house from when he was a year old until 4, when we moved and all was fine.

Hi Molotov, I posted on this thread back in September whilst pondering number 3 Well, I think i'm definitely out Have made an appointment to get a Coil fitted in January ...have been taking chances with contraception but just can't deal with the uncertainty every month. Need to draw a line under the whole baby thing and move on. I'm not that sad really - lots of happy
times ahead as a family of four In the end my reasons for giving up my dream of just one more were:
DH not 100% on board (although he said he was willing I couldn't deal with the whole "this was your idea" at 3am with a newborn)
I feel a bit too old at 35.
Size of house. I really don't want to move ever and with 2 dc we won't have to
Dd started school in Sept. and life suddenly seems to have become totally busy, mad and ..fun! I am really enjoying being a parent maybe for the first time I can't mess that up!
Just my own very personal descision

Thanks for your messages cat and Rose. Cat, your message gives me a goos feeling that I/we could do it; yet I understand where Rose is coming from. Those are a few of the practical reasons why I could be satisfied amd stat at having 2 children.

Meanwhile, I saw my friend who has her 2nd baby in April this year (a very gorgeous 8mo boy) and he tugs at those maternal heart strings of mine!

Just one more ... why not?!

And even my dd1 has noticed how clucky I am around our dog since she had her surgery just over 2w ago. Dd1 said that if we had another baby, I'd actually have 4 babies because our dog is one of them

Sweet

good, not goos

Oh I can imagine those last two posts have put a cat amongst the pigeons!

I said to dh the other night - what if we don't go for #3; will we look for another adventure... Maybe fostering? He wasn't up for it (and he rarely says no to me!)

I think we should let the dust settle after the mc.

Yeah, maybe that is a good idea Screen. I can't relate to you in terms of suffering a mc, but a close friend of mine had two (inbetween her dc1 and dc2), which she has talked to me about. I know her DH was reluctant to ttc another baby (their second baby, but her 4th pg). One of her miscarriages was at 14w and I think that one really affected them ... so, you have my hand to hold

So why is it yesterday I was really excited about just taking a chance and seeing what happens - I actually felt confident ... then worrying late at night before sleep/after dtd about all the things I worry about relating to this? (I'm was on cd8, so not my usual fertile window).

It's really weird. I'm definitely an anxious person, but even I can make a decision even if it causes me some worry. What is this flip-switch thing?

I think about 80% of me wants to try; it's the other 20% stopping me.

We're out for the night. Will reply properly tomorrow x

Mmm I think perhaps you won't ever be 100% either way. So where does that leave you? Are you happy to not be completely sure about the decision either way? Which wins?

We had the decision made for us, we were not intending to have two. We are 6 months in and she is gorgeously but my goodness sleepless nights again are hard. I did say to DH that I am glad the decision was made for us since she would not be here otherwise.

I would not have gone for it, I am 40 had my life back on track etc, but I actually feel done in a way I did not before. It's good though.

*more than 2

I don't think I am happy to be undecided either way: I feel like I need to make a decision, otherwise I'm going to be wondering 'what if?', irrespective of what that decision is.

At the moment, the decision which wins (and this is if I HAD TO make a decision NOW): is to stay as a family of 4 because it is safe and it's what I know. But that lets my head win, and I don't think my head is necessarily right!

Saying that, I did find myself dealing with a screaming tantrum from dd2 whilst out today - I had to physically carry her away from the object of her desire as she kicked, stamped and screamed. I thought 'why the fck do I want to have 3?!?!?!' But then, dd1 is being such good company (so is dd2 when she's not blowing her stack) that this was just a fleeting, panicked thought, as I was crossing myself and 2 young children over the road whilst carrying a heavy bag of shopping have a pram with you and dd2 goes on a buggy board and all your shopping goes underneath

I've been dreaming lately about a baby that just turns up at my house. I haven't been pg and haven't given birth but the baby is for me. I feel happy in the dream. I feel that this is some demonstration of the fear I think I've got of actually being pg (vulnerability and not being able to keep up with life/my dds) ans giving birth (repeat CS).

I've been thinking about maybe if I got pg, I dont have to go back to the same hospital; I could request a different consultant ...

DH thinks we should just see what happens. But again, he isn't putting any pressure on.

I'm in CD12 today, so getting nearer to ovulation and usually a time where we would use condoms (haven't had unprotected sex since CD8).

I honestly don't know whether to just not use them over the next few days and ... I don't know: see how I feel around the time my period is due? If I get my period and I'm either disappointed or relieved, I'll know the answer?

(Gosh, that's a risky game to play, isn't it?)

Agh! Don't know if you remember me saying earlier in the thread that I have friends who were expecting a baby this month? Well, the baby is here (a boy) and they have given him what is quite frankly an awful name (in my opinion, obviously).

I have a very beautiful name picked out for my imaginary boy ... I'm here thinking 'you've got this gorgeous baby and you've names him that?!'

(Only a emoticon from me here in that they took the plunge a while ago as my friend must have got upduffed in March )

I think 3 can create a challenging dynamic, it often ends up with 1 left out. Even though DC4 is under 2, I feel like the household is much more balanced.
Only you know if you will cope physically, when my DC3 was borne other 2 were 20 months and 3.6 yrs. it was fine but I find pregnancy and birth fairly easy (3 home births).
DC 3 has been the most challenging of our children (but was easy baby!) but that is personality and not something you can account for!
I'd say go for it, think you are more likely to look back and wish you had than wish you hadn't...

Hi Molotov

Just checking in as I've been on the thread in the past. I'm still very very undecided but we won't actively make a decision until June as to go for another or for my DH to have the snip.

I wanted to come back and wish you a Happy Christmas and that this dilemma is solved in 2015 for both of us!

Hello - how was xmas?

We had a great time. Last night I did ask DH how he was feeling about everything, and does he still think much about how life would be if I was pregnant. He gave a very tactful answer.

I was very aware of how independent my 2 DC are, and how I appreciate that this gives me more of my own independence too. So on xmas day they were having a great time with their cousins. I was able to chat with my siblings. I was glad I wasn't chasing round after a baby, worrying about naps and bum changes.

I'm still firmly in the 'No' camp, but we're still not back to a normal routine after the mc 6 weeks ago. I might feel different in the new year.

Merry Christmas to you both and thanks for your messages

I was certain that I wanted to try this month but my brain kicked in and I realised that if, by some miracle, I became pg on the first try, that would mean a September baby. Dd2 starts school nursery (5 mornings per week) in September and I didn't want the two to clash.

We're with my parents atm and having a lovely time. I'm hinting big time to my DM about another baby but I take it from her that she thinks I have my hands full. Maybe another in a year or two from what I can infer from her.

DH on the other hand, informed me on Boxing Day that he feels certain we will have one more.

Meanwhile, I've dreamt twice in the last week about a newborn baby who I have not given birth to, but who is definitely mine.

It's on my mind, ladies. I've just gotta get past the fear ...

And if I'm not on before, Happy New Year

Happy 2015 everyone!

We were fortunate to spend some time together, away from home over Christmas and New Year. It gave me some time and space to think, and gave DH and I time to talk where he was able to honestly say what he thinks without our conversation getting cut-off because it is doing his head in

He would quite like another child and thinks we should just try and see what happens. He is happy with our two girls and would not feel disappointed if wen didn't conceive again.

Having had space to think (or in.my case, NOT think, just feel) I'm very happy with the two children we have. It's because I'm so comfortable with those two that I'm not firm on having a third. My daughters took a long time to conceive and I adore having two girls ...

... which brings me to my next point in that I think I have a slight preference for a boy I woke up the other morning amd it just occurred to me.

I wouldn't want to ttc a boy and would be very happy to have another dd (I imagine 3 dd's together and that's lovely): but I would like to have a son. There you go. (I do see benefits to having 2dds and a ds and 3dds. I just have a slight leaning towards a ds).

There is no way I would have a fourth child. The only way we would have 4dcs is if another pg was a twin pg.

There's a part of me that doesn't feel like my baby-making days are finished. Yet, I feel very fortunate to have been able to do this twice.

And it is only loosely related but my periods are not particularly nice. I get PMS and very tender breasts for about a week before af is due. I get cramps for about the same amount of time. I would prefer not to keep going on like this. I could tolerate them if I knew we might get pg. But there will come a point where I will want to get a coil or IUD or something (haven't researched it) to make my periods/moods/discomfort go away. If I wasn't hankering over the possibility of getting pg, I'd be booking an appointment to sort myself out tomorrow.

I have been flipping between yes let's have our third, to maybe it's not such a good idea, for months!!!!!. The kids are a 3 1/2 (boy) and 2 1/2 (girl). They are really close, and despite the odd battle over toys, get on really well....... Even on a bad day I never think I couldn't handle another...... But it has occurred to me that maybe I want another because at the mo I don't have anything else that I enjoy doing. I pretend I enjoy the gym/endless coffee trips/time to myself. Honestly I'm waiting for them to come home. It's scary to think about the years ahead when they're at school and I can only do a term time job of which there aren't many that interest me (not that I've looked very hard!). I'm still not so sure that having another will fill that gap for me. Might still go for it though as thankfully hubby is happy......... this decision is driving me insane

Hubby has backed out of number 3 :( need to respect his decision (still hope he'll change his mind) I won't badger him into another..... So many reasons to enjoy these two. Have had a couple of really lovely days which would have been a struggle with another. Maybe, just maybe, hubby is right :(

Hope you find the answer to your questions molotov it's such a tricky decision as there is no right or wrong...... Need to do what feels right.

Not sure if I've actually posted on here but I've definitely lurked and agonised over the same decisions with much the same thoughts as everyone. Anyway we've come to a decision to go for it next month and I'll pop back later when I've more time to share our reasons why.