How does a 3rd baby/child change things?

[Molotov]

It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).

Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:

• How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
• A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
• I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)

We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.

If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?

Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?

I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.

I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.

Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )

Thanks everyone

I had a 'maternal request' ELCS, but there would was a genuine medical reason in our minds - I damaged my tailbone during the birth of dd1. It was agony. It hurt more than contractions; more than pushing (as pushing made it worse) and the pain after the birth was worse than my episiotomy.

It wasn't better 4m later so I had private physio. The physio suspected I'd displaced a disc but this was never investigated via MRI scanning. So, when I went and told the HCPs about that when asking for a CS, they pretty much laughed me out of the room. I didn't feel that I was taken seriously and that I was being silly.

Anyway, I saw the same physio again and a chiropractor whilst pg with dd2, who both said that there was a chance I'd labour and birth with no problems, but because I'd damaged the tailbone one, it is a weak spot and was more likely to be hurt again. Chiropractor explained about how the pelvic floor muscles are 'anchored' by the coccyx and as mine had been overstretched, there was risk of prolapse.

So I insisted on the ELCS and glad I did, but it certainly wasn't the easy option and carried/carries different risks.

I still have tailbone pain even now, 5y after dd1's birth. I felt a dull ache when walking with dd2's pushchair earlier. I'm a normal weight, so it's nothing like that. I just wish I knew in more detail what I precisely did during that long labour.

This is why I would request a repeat CS over VBAC.

Had I given birth vaginally to dd2, the plan was to give me a pain-blocker drug so that I could push dd2 out without feeling that tailbone pain (that would have been a huge psychological drawback for me).

She would have been born and if anything had happened with my coccyx during the birth, it would have been managed afterwards.

That didn't fill me with confidence, so I chose the more predictable risks and likely outcomes of ELCS.

I also took into consideration that we were planning to stop at 2 or maybe 3 children, so that I would have a maximum of 2 CSs.

Molotov

a friend had 3 ELSCs due to unusually curved tailbone issues - there's no way she could have pushed them out.

they are teens now and all is well. I hope this helps.

Just do it. Been hanging around for ages. You obviously want it. so do it ;) Good luck

So, if you don't want any more babies, do you just know? Do you feel 'done'?

I think I may have a slight preference for a boy, but only in the sense of 'wouldn't it be nice' as another baby would definitely be our last.

Saying that, I had a lovely evening with my dds last night as they both sat for ages curled up on my lap like two tiny kittens Even if we were to stick with two (for whatever reason), I don't mind. We're so, so lucky already.

Toss a coin? We once did that to decide whether to ttc that month or leave it for a year. Dd3 was born 9 months later

I did heads for yes, tails for no.

Tails.

Best of 3, then?

Best of how ever many goes it takes to get more heads than tails, I reckon, Molotov!

Molotov

you know you want to have a 3rd, so just go and shag already!

I have to say that this is the best board on MN. So many lovely, supportive ladies on here. Good at reading between the lines, too.

Going to start taking folic acid again regularly and then maybe not using any contraception from late summer.

Yeh!

Good decision, I think, Mol

I love this thread!

My situation was slightly different in that DCs 1 & 2 were twins and I definitely wanted another pregnancy, which meant I wanted No. 3. Had DCs 1 and 2 been singletons, I'm not so sure we'd have tried again, but we did and the result was DD2 (have DD1 & DS1 (twins aged 4 when DD2 arrived) and DD2. Now 9,9 and about to be 5.

Pregnancy. Took me 18 months to conceive (I was 35 when we started strying). Loved the pregnancy although was stressed about premature birth (had happened with the twins) but all OK.

New-born stage. Loved every single minute. Older children loved her immediately - a couple of "jealousy" incidents (DD1 poured cold water on her in the bath when she was about 2 months old) but they loved having a baby to help care for. Strangely DS and DD2 formed a special bond, she would crawl / totter after him just giggling and he was absolutely brilliant with her. It was hard going for us, we'd been back in the sleeping zone for quite a while and the whole new baby thing again was a bit of a shock. There was also no respite this time around: when DD2 was napping, it was full on with the twins. We were pretty much exhausted. Hopefully the children didn't pick up on it but it was all a bit of a strain (financially, emotionally (H and I were bickering because we didn't feel we could ask anyone to babysit (3 children under 5) and were knackered, and you feel like you're pulled in every direction). So whilst I'm soooo pleased we did it, those first couple of years are hard going and its not all plain sailing (in my experience).

About a year ago, DD1 and DD2 formed more of an attachment (so at say 8 and 4). They can do the same things pretty much, DD1 is less protective with her things as DD2 is less likely to ruin / break them. So the bond between all 3 of them is brilliant. Yes there is bickering (the days when they're fighting about whose turn it is to sit in the middle seat of the car make me question our decision ), its chaos, I haven't seen the bottom of the laundry basket for at least a year, my standards have slipped with ironing and washing the bedding quite so often but I absolutely love it and do think (with the benefit of hindsight) that we have all gained so much from having Number 3. Good luck.

yippee!

I think I may have replied to a thread of yours before as we were in the same boat and now have 3 beautiful DCs!!

Personally I think your pg / birth fears are really neither here nor there. Nothing about your situation is particularly high risk or unusual so you would manage it and it is such a short term issue really in the grand scheme of things.

I also think the sibling relationship concerns are a bit of a red herring - children cope well with the situation they end up in - be that being an only child or one of five.

Your more realistic questions should be around your time/attention and moving house / finances longer term IMO. In terms of your time you do have to let certain things go the more children you have - and prioritise. Personally I haven't found that too hard so far (youngest is coming up to 1) - but I do have a supportive DH, don't work myself and have really benefitted from youngest DC being in nursery one day a week. Oldest two are school age. I have enough head space to manage it and the practicalities IME are just about routine and practice.

Only you and your DH can decide whether you think the benefits of having an extra child will outweigh the more secure financial position of sticking with two.

We took a one off risk of no contraception and ended up with DC3. I don't know if we would have ever felt confident enough to ttc but we were lucky as the decision was kind of out of our hands. Bearing in mind it took a year to conceive DC2 so I can empathise with your worries about ttc - I didn't want to go through that again.

Yeyyyy!!

Is that your decision made then? Exciting!!!

Xx

Will look for the poas thread soon!

Thanks again Mutley for taking the time to reply

In terms of finances, we would be able to manage. Obviously, there are no certainties but if things continue as they are, it would be fine. I am taking a career break atm, so this too works well for another dc. However, I do sometimes find 2 children challenging but I really do think this is their ages. Dd1 is a good little girl, but doesn't always understand that her dsis is still a baby, so there is a lot of frustration from her re that. I can't always reason with dd2 yet because she hasn't turned that corner yet. So, like Mutley I would want both girls to be at school before another dc (albeit dd2 at nursery every morning). I have also enjoyed the 3y gap and would ideally like another 3 or 4y gap between dd2 and dc3 (so 6 or 7y between dd1 and dc3).

We would have to have to have to move. I can't envisage shifting our arses from here unless I got pg again. What I mean by that is another dc would be create the incentive to move, because we've made it work space-wise with the four of us (2 bed cottage, small extension; girls share a single bedroom. Can't extend upstairs and no more children can sleep in there!) We're too settled here, iyswim. We love the area, but in a year or two anyway will need more space regardless.

It's suddenly become clear today through talking here that the idea of another baby, another sibling, another person in our family, is hugely appealing. But it's the idea of birth that keeps putting me back to square 1. I'm going to reread Mutleys post and let what she said sink in, as I know that second-time ELCSs are done every day without problems, and we wouldn't have any more than 3 dcs. I just think too much and keep worrying about the potential for things like placenta praevia, placenta accreta developing. I had a fantastic first CS I worry I wouldn't be that lucky again (would certainly request the same consultant, even though he put the fear in me trying to put me off my CS with dd2).

Also Zing I meant to say thank-you for your message about your friend who had 3 CSs due to tailbone issues. That was a nice thing to read

Yep, it's the getting another baby out bit and first few delicate days and weeks that are making me hesitate; the worry that everything is straightforward; keeping an eye out for infection; getting enough rest and not overdoing it; not being able to drive for a few weeks (dh doesn't drive - I resumed after 5w).

I know it's all very short-term, but it's disruptive ... I was a lot better 6w after the last section, much improved and more like my usual self at 12w, body back to normal and sensation aroind scar all good after about 8m.

Sorry, waffling ...

Sounds like it's a no-brainer :)

FWIW we emigrated to Aus when I was 6 months pg with DC3 - the emigration decision had been made shortly before I found out I was "accidentally" pg. I had had complicated pregnancies (luckily no complications before I moved with DC3 otherwise I would have been forbidden from flying which would have put a spanner in the works but it was a major source of anxiety early on!). I had 3 c/s with no major issues. But the birth of DC3 was not straightforward and she had some health issues in the early days which was very scary when we were thousands of miles from our support networks and had SIL staying only very temporarily to look after DCs 1 and 2. DHs job was also quite unstable without a lot of flexibility for any time off to help in any way.

But it was a few months of stress and honestly seems so irrelevant compared to the joy of having an extra child in our lives. DC3 is a beautiful, sunny personality and just loves life, attention from her siblings and their friends and is very easygoing! However she is also a dreadful sleeper, into everything (so no downtime for me apart from the one day a week she's at nursery - since 10 months old), and I am looking forward to her being 3 and a bit more manageable/independent. However we don't really adapt our lives to her and she fits in with what we were already doing as a family of four - we haven't gone "back" to the baby stage as you do IME with number 2.

I also think that I personally have a break point, I've always been able to see reasons why I would be able to cope with 4 (financial, physically, emotionally etc). We kept saying that we were stopping at 2 then 3 but really we were just not too careful because it was never going to be the end of the world if I got pg again. Each time I have fallen pg we have been over the moon.

DC4 is due in the summer. This time discussions re 'the snip' are taking place already, this has never happened before. Health wise I feel like I'm pushing my luck asking my body to do another pregnancy, if I went for a 5th I think I'd be risking serious damage. Same with space, money and energy, we'd be spread far to thin with 5. All the same if I was a good few years younger I'd love to have more.

I think if you really couldn't make it work you would have come to that conclusion already. Added to that the fact that you were ready to do best of 3 with coin flip...

Haha, at my 'oh dear, let's do best of 3, then'.

It was obscured before, probably to my thinking/over thinking nature, that it's the giving birth bit that I'm alarmed by. I think we couls make having 3 work and whilst I'm very satisfied with our 2, I'm only 31 and the girls are still very young. I'm not sure if we're ready to put having babies behind us. Yet, I'm eternally grateful to have experienced pregnancy, newborns and all of that wonderful, wonderful stuff thay having children brings not just once, but twice.

I just have a very stern 'voice' in my head sometimes that is quite controlling and puts the fear in me. I had an eating disorder for a few years in my late teens to mid-20s and I think that voice is a leftover from those days. It's not always easy recognising when its taking over, but it's important to do so, if that makes any sense at all.

Agree re breaking point. I was sterilised when I had dc3 as no way am I having 4!

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