AIBU to be hurt at being excluded from family Kiddush?

[Janefx40]

Ok so this isn’t a real AIBU as I only want to post it here in Jewish Mumsnetters but wanted some other perspectives.

My Dad turned 90 recently and his shul want to host a Kiddush to celebrate. It’s orthodox but not everyone is especially frum - it’s in quite an inaccessible location so nearly everyone travels as a result and it has a very small community most of whom live miles away so usually just the men attend. They’re mostly not people who even wear Kippah’s all the time for example.

He’s been very involved over the years and held lots of different positions, read the haftorah etc. I went too as a child and then high holydays etc. He attends regularly but not especially religious actually.

Anyway he is excluding me and my family from this Kiddush because I have a non-Jewish partner and our kids are half Jewish - tho technically Jewish as I’m their Mum. We’re members of a Liberal community and they attend Cheder etc there.

He even said that I can’t come alone as people might ask questions.

He’s quite a traditional person and tho very lovely to my partner, he doesn’t love that we’re not married. Doesn’t seem to mind that DP isn’t Jewish but I think that’s partly because I settled down so late in life he was just relieved that I met someone.

i didn’t argue because I didn’t want to upset him. Don’t want to raise with my family either or everyone will start intervening but actually am quite sad about it. The synagogue has a lot of memories for me and obviously it’s a big deal my Dad turning 90 and being celebrated.

Do you think people would judge me for being unmarried? And not to someone Jewish. My feeling is that people there a) already know as I’ve been there over recent years and b) are really lovely kind people who would be very welcoming (even if they raised half an eyebrow privately).

But maybe I’m wrong and they would all be horrified!

sorry that’s long and probably boring! But asking just in case anyone has an opinion!

I’m sorry. This is not fair. And no you are being unreasonable.

if you were asking to get up a read from the Torah, I could understand it more. But a kiddish is a different matter. Even in parents orthodox synagogue where everyone keeps Shabbat etc I remember my brothers Barmitzvah all those years ago and all his non Jewish friends attending the service and the kiddush. And then the lunch afterwards.

similarly a nephews Barmitzvah recently, his uncle’s wife is not Jewish and the children are not Jewish. Were they part of the celebrations? Of course they were!

Even your dad sought sense, I guess the charm of the event is lost now anyway. I personally would be thinking of arranging a private lunch / celebration that you can actually enjoy - a half hearted agreement for you to come won’t feel much better.

ps I hope he realises how lucky he is to have a lovely daughter and grandchildren who care about his milestones like this.

If I were in your shoes, I would also find it really upsetting. You poor thing.

Ah thanks both of you. Yes I do feel sad about it. He is a lovely Dad btw but he’s old and got a bit strange in his thinking. It’s not worth upsetting him or the family but I appreciate the sympathy!

I think what I would do is go to my regular shul and be with people who are happy to see you.

Sympathy. My hunch is that it's partly a matter of generational perspective--your dad finds it a little embarrassing that you're not married to someone who's not Jewish, but most people of younger generations would be much less concerned about it. I hope your dad will come around. If not, I suppose it's best to humor a 90-year-old at his birthday kiddush, but yes, it is a very frustrating situation.

Thanks @rachel734yes I know he struggles especially with us not being married and there’s a whole other conversation around that. He’s massively projecting that. I mean people wouldn’t even ask whether we were married and would probably just assume he is Jewish anyway. I think it will raise more eyebrows that his daughter and family don’t attend. Well anyway I am trying to be mature and not let myself get in a huff about it - I know he loves us. But I’m glad to be able to say something on here at least!

That’s horrific! I’m shomer Shabbat, I’ve been for example at funerals where the non Jewish grandchildren (ie father is Jewish and not brought up Jewish) have been included. Out of respect any men would be expected to wear a kipa even if not Jewish but I can’t see that’s the issue here.

I’d push back. No one in the synagogue will realise or care - whether your DP comes or not. Either way a kiddish is a public event so I’d be inclined to say you’ll be coming regardless.

I would find it extremely upsetting. And what’s more his idea of what’s acceptable is out of date. Intermarried people come to United Synagogues fairly often, I used to attend one and my brother still does. They may prefer to join a Reform/Liberal shul themselves, and kibudim might be an issue, but no one is horrified if they come for a simcha. All anyone pays attention to is whether you remember to cover your head.

I live in the USA now (where fewer people go to Orthodox shuls just from habit so most people would be shomer Shabbat at one) and no one asks questions unless you’re going up.

It must feel like he’s ashamed of you. I’m so sorry.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your comments. It’s good to have some people to tell this too. I’ve not actually even told my partner yet as I don’t want him to feel hurt. He’s quite close to my Dad. But it does feel odd not telling him too. I am taking some time to reflect.

Oh gosh I’m so sorry, how upsetting. My husband isn’t Jewish and my family had lots of issues with that. We started dating at 19 so everyone assumed it would fade out and now here we are 25 years later with two kids. My brother didn’t speak to me for a while but thankfully got over it. My uncle and I never spoke again (good riddance).

We live overseas so many things just haven’t come up that I think would be triggering if we lived closer. We just celebrated our daughter’s bat mitzvah (also members of a liberal congregation) and my husband attended as a guest. As did his parents which was so lovely as it’s a long flight. Most of our guests weren’t Jewish at all as we live in Scotland so barely know any. It was lovely and inclusive and everyone had a great time.

It is such a shame that your father is drawing this line - now, so many years later. I would be terribly hurt.

Thanks @PurpleThistle7I am really struggling. We’ve had this great relationship all my life and even tho we have lots of different opinions he’s always made me feel like he’s proud of me and supports me. He’s been amazing with my partner - so welcoming and inclusive. So this has really hit me and I just don’t want it to taint my memories of him.

I did speak to my Mum last night and it turns out she has been arguing with him about this behind the scenes but he won’t budge. I don’t want to upset her by pursuing it as she has enough to deal with. He needs quite a lot of care and it takes over her life.

I just don’t know whether it’s better to talk to him about it and risk it getting worse or leave it. Selfishly I’m thinking more of myself and having to live my life after he’s gone with a tainted memory after so many good years.

i will talk to my brother but I want to wait a few days as he’s due to care for Dad for a few days so Mum can get away and I don’t want anything to interrupt that. He can be a bit hot headed.

sigh!!

Can’t tell you how grateful I am to be able to talk about it on here! X

@Janefx40 - is there any chance there's some level of dementia or similar going on given his age? It just seems rather dramatic after decades of being quite different about it. Might help to reframe it in your mind as something he might not have done 20 years ago?

I think the less fractures a family have the better really and I'd do my best not to create a drama between anyone else.