Preparing children for possible anti-Semitism at a London secondary school

[Myanna]

My oldest will start secondary school next year in London and my second will follow in a few years. It's a typical inner London very multicultural and international school. Likely very few Jewish kids as we aren't in North London. I'm wondering how much I need to worry about and prepare them for potential anti-Semitism?

Would be very interested in experiences from others.

Their primary was similarly diverse and there were no issues. They have been openly Jewish there and given presentations to the class on their festivals etc. But secondary may be different.

I was at school in London with no problems but times have changed, sadly.

They don't look Jewish. We are not very religious. Their names are not obviously Jewish. Ideally I don't want them to hide their cultural identity, but it's an option.

Bump?

I didn't want to ignore this but I don't live in London - we are in Scotland. My kids are the only Jewish kids at both their primary and secondary. My daughter had some bullying in primary (after years and years without any negativity) but it did get worse for a short time when she started secondary. We've always been super open and my kids have shared festivals and such in their class and at school assemblies so there was no hiding it in secondary as hundreds of kids already knew. There have been a handful of small incidents and one quite serious one, but the school was right on it immediately and it hasn't been repeated. It does mean my son is a bit frightened of going to secondary in a couple of years which has been difficult to navigate.

To be honest, what helped the most was to sign my daughter up for self defence classes. She does Krav Maga once a week and it's been enormously helpful for her (and we will sign my son up next year as well). He does martial arts already, but self-defence is very different and involves a lot of conversations about how to get out of dangerous situations before they become violent, as opposed to traditional martial arts where you are specifically fighting people in controlled environments. My daughter feels much more ready to handle anything that comes at her and is carrying herself in a very different way which I'm sure is helpful for other reasons - but the antisemitic attack is what prompted us to start it.

My daughter is also a bit of an angry rebel teen so each time something happens it makes her angry and more and more strong about who she is and her right to be that person. At a school cultural fair, she represented Judaism and had a few friends join her stall - she wore her tallit and a kippah and made a few hundred hamentashen and had no problems at all. I think my son will be more keen to just avoid the whole conversation, but she went the other direction - neither is the wrong decision. I do tell them that our primary responsibility is to keep ourselves safe, so whatever that means is totally fine - they don't have to tell everyone all their business. Have you spoken to your kids about what they'd prefer to do?

I teach secondary school in New York. I can't comment on the situation in London schools, but at least I know the age group.

There is some antisemitism in secondary school here. From what I’ve seen, it peaks around ages 13-15. I think that’s because kids of that age are beginning to follow the news more closely and seeking to establish their political and social identities. I haven’t seen individual students physically threatened for being Jewish; more commonly, kids voice anti-Israel sentiments and make sweeping, dismissive generalizations about Jews. Some of this happens on social media.

In terms of coping, it really helps if a young Jewish teenager has a Jewish peer group outside of school, plus some specific, positive content to their Jewishness. Both kids from more religious homes and kids from old socialist/Yiddishist homes seem to cope more ably with the negativity from peers. The kids who suffer most are often the ones who feel proud to be Jewish but don’t have much Jewish life outside of school that they feel invested in. The previous poster’s suggestion of taking a Krav Maga class is intriguing—it might offer basic self-defense skills, a Jewish peer group, and a bit of Jewish cultural learning all in one.

My final points are really basic: I’d tell the children that it’s okay to stay off social media or limit their contacts on social media or just not engage with people who offend them. They may need to choose their friends carefully, but I’m sure they will find some reliable, non-prejudiced friends.

My DD has finished school now, but she went to a school like you describe, inner London, multicultural and international. AFAIK there were 4 other Jewish kids in her year group of about 200. She never had anything directed at her specifically, no name calling or physical threats. It was more as pp says, negative sweeping generalisations.

There was some learning for her. A few times she reported to me things she heard that she thought were strange or made her uncomfortable. She wouldn't have named it as antisemitism. I was glad she felt able to come to me and talk things through.

Ah - apologies for the misconception - Krav Maga isn't specifically for Jewish children. There are only a handful of Jewish families in the whole city, so I am sure my daughter is the only Jewish child in her class. She does it with a couple of friends and she feels a lot of pride in learning something from Israel, and in feeling more confident in tricky situations. She has one Jewish friend and of course her brother and my family (but we are immigrants) so she doesn't have much of a Jewish community in her daily life. She did have her Bat Mitzvah last year and we had 80 people to celebrate with her - the majority at their first ever Bat Mitzvah and she loved sharing that with them. So I think having a strong sense of pride in the traditions has really helped her. I am more worried about my son when he starts as he hasn't had the same sort of connection she's had to it.

It is important that your dc know that they can speak to you about situations. They don’t have to deal with things alone. They don’t have to decide alone whether something they have experienced is or is not anti-Semitism. They can come and talk to you about it. It’s surprising how much a child internalises due to uncertainty.

They should also know that it is the school’s responsibility to keep them safe and to address any anti-Semitism. Unfortunately, not all schools do this. That’s when it becomes your job to stand up for your child. The CSO can help you.

Having some Jewish culture outside school can help. My dc were often the only Jews in their year group, sometimes in the whole school. But they went to Cheder, so had Jewish peers outside school, kids who often had similar experiences. The Y9 and 10 classes at Cheder had more of a youth group vibe, with adult leaders who addressed issues like being ‘The only Jew in the village’.

Krav Maga is an excellent idea. My dc didn’t have access to it, but I did it in my youth. It’s true, developing your confidence at KM is very empowering.

Thanks very much all, I appreciate the responses. Lots to think about.
They don't have a Jewish peer group at all unfortunately. We do Friday nights and festivals but rarely go to a synagogue and they don't go to cheder, very different from how I was brought up with a Jewish school, cheder and Jewish youth groups!

I'll just have to talk about it to them in advance.

Judaism for your dc is to some degree a private, family thing. Not in any way a criticism - any diaspora Jew understands the challenges! I think something that might help your dc would be to soften the boundary so to speak. Having friends over for Friday Night, for example. Is there a Jewish youth group they could join? It might not be local, but it could be worth the travel.

Have you considered Bar Mitzvah? Even if you are not religious, it's an amazing experience for the young person. In my family's experiences with a Reform synagogue, the young person gains so much from it: a sense of where they fit in the overlapping worlds of Judaism and secularity, a better understanding of to what degree they want to engage with Judaism, a sense of pride in their achievements as a young Jewish person. Two of my dc invited school friends (nJ, of course) to their B Mitvahs. The friends were blown away!

I agree - preparing and having a celebration of her Bat Mitzvah really helped my daughter a lot. She loved writing her d'var Torah (wrote it about how she takes lessons from the Torah to become a more ardent feminist!) and she was really proud of herself. We had around 80 people for a ceilidh that evening for a Jewish/Scottish celebration - maybe 25 or so Jewish people there, the rest were family friends and school friends at their first ever Jewish celebration. It was super fun.

Something I want to add Is that your dc are not obliged to be ambassadors or teachers. They have enjoyed and taken pride in doing so in Primary school - but, as you say, Secondary can be very different. They do not have to continue. It is entirely up to them. They do not have to justify anything and they do not have to explain anything - neither about the Jewish religion nor about the State of Israel.

Often teachers who are uncertain about a topic, especially religious, are very happy to get support from a child with first hand knowledge. But it is the teacher's job to teach the class, not the child's. They don't necessarily consider how this exposes the child. Some are perfectly confident to be exposed this way, and some are perfectly confident to say "No, thanks" to the request. Some children, however, do not want the exposure, and struggle to refuse the request. They need to know that it is OK to say "No", that it is OK to stay silent. If the teacher makes a mistake, the child does not have to correct it in class, they can talk privately to the teacher or they can ask you to do so.

The only things your dc have to do, as Jewish children, is behave as decent human beings. Not join in or condone any hatred or bullying, anti-Semitic or not. Report it, to you and to the staff.

The only things your dc have to do, as Jewish children, is behave as decent human beings.

Well put @Dilbertian

Yep, this is great and I'm fully in agreement!

I do feel very strongly that Jews should not have to be responsible for, explain, or really have any opinion on Israel, more than anyone else should.