Decided my body hates me, and I hate it.

[Frazzlerock]

I'm so fed up today and can't talk to anyone about it so I am offloading here.

Yesterday on CD28 I finally got a good strong dark line on my OPK stick. The line was darker than the control line. I have PCOS and know OPK sticks aren't the best, but the only time it is so dark is the day before ovulation or the day of.
I also use Ovusense and my temp rises either on the day of this dark line, or the day after. Also yesterday, I had EWCM, and high soft and open cervix. So I was 100%certain I was ovulating or due to within 24 hours.
So we excitedly bonked last night and used Preseed. I lay there for ages to keep everything inside.
I expected a nice temp rise this morning and..... nothing! Flat as a fucking pancake.
WTAF!?

Last cycle my body fooled me into thinking I was pregnant because I had VERY strong preg symptoms for about 10 days (which got stronger daily) during my TWW but it turned out to be the progesterone I was taking

And we've just found out DP has low morphology, despite getting pregnant three times in 3.5 years (all our babies died of course). He went for semen analysis, mainly because he had mumps a couple of years ago (we both did - after our 2nd loss) and we wanted to check DNA fragmentation. Only we didn't find out until we got the results that fragmentation wasn't included and we will have to pay £350 to have this checked. Seriously, probably the most important factor wasn't even included.

It's just constant road blocks. I just need a fucking break. Just give me one normal cycle, just one chance at this without aggro. My cycles are so long, I feel like I'm chasing a carrot on the end of a stick waiting for ovulation to happen.

And to top it off, I've had a vile cold the past two days and had to cancel a really good night out last night which I have been waiting for for a while now. And I never ever get ill! Only this time when I wanted to do something fun.

What I can't comprehend is everyone around me is expecting or knows (and constantly talks about) someone else who is expecting. And if it's not people in real life, it is on the TV.
Like, fucking HOW do they do it!?

Hi @Frazzlerock
I'm so sorry you are feeling so shit! I didn't want you to feel alone in this absolutely crap situation! I totally agree with everything you say in your post, and WTAF is my question every time I am disappointed!

I too have PCOS, have had 2 miscarriages and hate my own body. I feel empty, hollow like nothing is in me that other women have in them.

Something so fucking natural and so easy to what seems like everyone else and I can't bloody do it, WTAF?!

I'm slowly becoming the only person in some of my friendship groups that doesn't have a baby, and although my friends are amazing and would never make me feel like this, I feel like the loser who can't have kids and it sucks.

I'm not going to tell you to "stay strong" because I can't bare it when others say it to me but I just wanted to remind you that there is at least 1 other person feeling the same, and you are not alone in this ☺️🌈
Xx

Hi @Frazzlerock
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I can relate to everything you say, I don't have PCOS but I do have stage 4 endo and DH has low morphology. Currently going through our 3rd miscarriage, this one a result of ICSI cycle. So not even that can fix us. Heartbeat seen every time at 8 weeks, only for it to go at 10. As above just wanted you to know that you are very much not alone and I'm so sorry you are also dealing with this simply shit situation. It's not fair. I hope you can find something that will put a smile on your face even if just briefly this weekend

I'm sorry. That all fucking sucks.

I didn't want to read and run. My temp always rises super slowly, it takes at least 2 days from
Ovulation to rise. Maybe yours is the same?

Oh wow, thank you for your responses. Last time I checked, several hours after my post, no one had responded so I gave up!

So I really appreciate you taking the time to post

@MrsD20 it is just the most cruel condition to have (bar endo). I agree that it robs us of feeling like real women. I too am hollow and empty, especially after MCs. I'm so so sorry for your experience, and thank you for your solidarity xx

I do feel like a fraud as I have two DC from a previous marriage - both of who were incredibly hard to conceive. Then I met my now DP (fiance) and we got preg by complete surprise 3.5 years ago. It was a damn miracle as it had been so hard previously. I couldn't believe it. But we lost our little one at 9 weeks. This just opened a massive "Turns out I do want another child" can of worms and its been hell ever since with two further losses, and now it seems I can't even get pregnant as it's been a year since I found out I was pregnant with our last loss.

I fucking HATE PCOS. I honestly feel like it's taken over my entire life so far, and I'm now 40. The excess hair that makes you feel like an absolute freak of nature, especially as a confused teenager, then the struggles of TTC - I think I've spent most of my adult life TTC.
I also fell victim to PCOS ruining my ability to breastfeed as it caused hypoplasia (basically no breast tissue) so it continues to rob you even if you're lucky enough to have a living baby.

@Lavienestjamaisjuste I've read about endo and it sounds like an awful thing to have . I am so sorry for your MCs. We also saw a heartbeat with our last baby but I knew something was wrong as our little boy seemed to be shrinking in size every time I was scanned, but they kept telling me I must have had my dates wrong .
Lo and behold at our next scan he had died.

@Mylittlepony374 thank you xx

@SunStruck This hasn't happened for me before but I guess every cycle is different and every cycle throws me a new curve ball.

I actually had a fairly big rise this morning but neg ov stick and neither ovusense or FF are prediction ovulation. I honestly reckon its a failed ovulation. I've had failed ovs before, but my ov tests are not usually as dark as they have been the past couple of days so I had so much hope. Just got to wait for tomorrow's temp. I just don't know whether DP and I should have sex daily or not while I may be in my 'fertile window'. With low morphology I figured it's best to let his swimmers regenerate or something? But I also don't want to miss prime time.

I wish I had a bloody crystal ball or be able to see what the hell is going on in there