Infertility: what I wished I'd known

[AliceAbsolum]

1, Taking your temperature every day is generally a useless faff.

2, Having a BMI of 19 can stop you ovulating.

3, Zita West supplements do actually have a decent evidence base. As does avoiding BPA.

4, A week of sore breasts and heartburn after AF is due MEANS NOTHING.

5, The NHS is a berocratic nightmare.

6, Everyone thinks ivf means you will have a baby and no one understands the terrible odds involved.

7, Lying on the floor with a syringe of jizz up my bits would become normal.

Add yours!

That (recurrent) miscarriage is more common that I realised.

That DH would get cancer and render us infertile

That DH would get cancer and render us infertile which would lead me to this wonderful site with wonderful women who understand exactly how it feels

How much of a person it changes you, in the last 2 years I’m not who I once was because of infertility. In a good way I’m more empathetic and mature. On the other hand I’m bitter, jealous and down right evil sometimes.

That success isn’t related to how hard you try. Sometimes you can do everything but still fail. And that ‘Never give up’ isn’t always the best advice.

1. That avoiding a wash after DTD gives you a Urine Infection
2. That people change their conversation about Pregnancy & Labour when your around and tell you how “lucky you are you haven’t had the trauma.” 🙄
3. That waiting to have a child would be one of the worst decisions you’ve ever made.
4. That infertility makes you so isolated that you feel you exist but have no purpose in life.

That secondary is an actual thing and that you should have never started trying for another and shouldn't be such a selfish cow.

1. I'm not the same person I was. That person checked out sometime after my second miscarriage.
2. People won't understand the you that you become due to infertility and pregnancy loss
3. That I would find secondary infertility harder than the first. My GP said to me rather blase "yeah secondary infertility is in many ways worse.....you have a physical daily reminder of what you have lost now"
4. The amount of "life" you lose just thinking about and planning around infertility -life is lived in 2 week stages - 2 weeks leading up to ovulation and the 2ww after

The odds of ivf are pretty low and hearing how so and so got pregnant with it is actually part of the statistics I already know thanks.

Feeling like a drug dealer carrying around needles and tubs, rushing to find a loo at exact times on the hour to take your shots.

That GP nurses know nothing about these drugs or how they are adminstered when you ask for help then lost the whole round of treatment when they shoot have the medication across the room. Thanks.

That your partner will tell people it is you that can't have kids not him incase they think less of him TWAT.

When people tell you some people just are not meant to have kids then you start to believe its you. Then I realised the truth.

How much it completely takes over your life, you’re either 2w build up or 2ww.
How I think about it in almost everything I do, is it impacting on egg quality/ implantation.
It’s a very very heartbreaking and lonely club to be in, and boards like this where we can vent are so helpful.

-more people are going through it than i realised. Only when I started talking about it, did people feel comfortable sharing their own struggles.

-that there was a journey I needed to go on before I became a mother. My years of pain have made me the person and mother I am today.

-everyone's path is different. Whether it's natural conception, ivf, adoption, surrogacy, there are ways to find your child.

-that a woman struggling to conceive is stronger and braver than I could ever imagine.

-that I should follow my instincts and not always medical advice. I was told again and again that I should be having ivf after three years of trying. But it didn't feel like that was part of our journey, like I didn't need it, like it wouldn't help us. Low and behold, I didn't need ivf.

-to look at the physical, emotional and spiritual elements of my life and what might need addressing. Not just focus on the science.

-not to throw money at cowboys who claim they can help. Spend your money wisely on things like accupuncture. When done properly, it can really help.

-it's okay to not see friends who are pregnant or have babies for a while. It's not being rude, it's called self preservation. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. But don't isolate yourself.

-that it will be ok. Sending strength and positivity to all of you out there struggling. Xxx

Wish i had known that your body plays tricks on you and makes you late giving you hope every time xx

How much it changes you as a person.

How I would be so much stronger than I could have known.

It ruins so much of your life but makes you appreciate so much more. Doctors don't know much and you have to ask/demand tests and treatment. We were trying for 6 years until 3 days ago when I had a positive test. My partner had a very low sperm count, after noticing large veins on his legs I told him to go to the doctor to check for varicoseles..the doctor felt his testicles and said they were fine. That was 5 and a half years ago. After nagging for the rest of the time to go back (my DP thought I was neurotic and that of course the doctor was right) in December he had an embolisation on a varicosele, 3 months later we have our BFP. My DP keeps saying he wish he had got a second opinion because we went through so much hell in those years.

I learnt a hard truth today at work. I had to have the morning off for another test, and when asked by well meaning colleagues what procedure I had done because I was sore and couldn't do my usual. I lied because infertility is a dirty word to the public.

That you will feel like life isn't worth living but you still do in hope of that end goal.... a baby.

That you can be jealous & bitter about everyone...even a pregnant cat

That people just expect you to be okay even after disappointment and fail time after time

That it’s painful. Not just emotionally but physically too.

That it’s okay to call out friends and family who make snide comments about you during your treatment. They’re in the wrong not you.

That anxiety after a BFP is awful and I was so focussed on what I’d do if IVF didn’t work that I didn’t consider what would happen if it did. I really should have taken up counselling when it was offered.

-how it would take over my life
-how much stress it would put on our relationship
-for my partner how much l can cry. Until we started trying then l had seen him cry, more times then he had seen me cry
-how tactless, thoughtless and dismissive people can be. My 3 most hated phrases they use (in no particular order) are: you need to relax, it’s just one of those things and why don’t you adopt
-the NHS would do so very little for me and be so lacking in knowledge about fertility. If l worked at Ford l would get discount, l work for the NHS but just get more work stress. I’ve paid a lot into the NHS but have got very little back
-how angry and frustrated l can feel!

-how much you crave a definitive answer. Even if it was a no never, so you could at least move on. Get a job you hate less, go on crazy holidays, drink alcohol more etc

We thought we knew what "for better or for worse" meant but didn't realise how much more of both there would be in our 10-year + journey

That you get to a stage when you've been through so much for so long that you roll you eyes at people being distraught because they've been TTC a couple of years and had one or two MC. I never thought I'd be that mean and hard faced but I have gone way beyond being able to offer sympathy as I just find myself thinking "you have no idea ". I should be the most sympathetic as i was once in those early years of TTC and I know the pain, but I'm not.

Hating people who struggle for a couple of years but then go on to have a 'miracle ' baby. They think they understand infertility... no... they just understand struggling to conceive.

That having gone through years and years of TTC and recurrent MC, coming out the other side with a relationship with DH that is stronger than ever. TCC puts hell of a lot of strain on relationships... coming out the other side and accepting you'll never have children creates an incredibly strong bond.

Basically it's turned me into a cynical hard faced cow!

@AliceAbsolum thanks for the thread. I'm struggling with infertility/mc - have had two missed miscarriages back to back and now can't conceive...heading down the ivf route on a bullet train (40 in July, nhs cut off is 40th birthday in my area so I'm being rushed through).

I'm looking for a multi vitamin as consultant has advised lots of different things, and I'm rattling with all the pills-is Zita West a particularly good one? Interested in what you said about the evidence. Thanks x

Oh and to add my own so far...

That infertility isn't just about not being able to conceive. Miscarriage counts too (despite what my ccg policy says about it being the inability to conceive, the head of all things funding says you do qualify if you've had miscarriages, so MC is infertility too)

That no matter how big your fear/phobia is, the absolute primal need to be a mom overrides it.

I've learnt that most advice is unsolicited and you will get angry.

You find yourself having horrible thoughts about people you never thought you would.

Getting pregnant would be the hardest thing but then come the losses.

I learnt that:

1. grief comes in many different forms including the loss of something you never had ... especially the loss of something you never had because there are no memories to give me comfort.
2. rage and jealousy would make me incredibly judgemental about how my friends and family parent their children
3. friends and family think the best way to help is to say nothing when that just adds to the shame and my feelings of being less than the next woman
4. my life would change and I’m still trying to work out how my life will have value
5. families are everywhere and babies front and central. Watching tv is not an escape
6. giving up isn’t real. We still have unprotected sex and I still hope against hop every month

Reading this thread has made me cry but I’m never far from tears. Thank you all for sharing and for helping me to feel less alone.

All the conflicting advice you get about supplements and what to do to increase your chances

And finally:

That I would hate myself and my partner for leaving it so late to TTC

@Laney79 I've changed to Proceive Max which is for women over 35 and 200mg of COq10 - it's expensive but there is 25% off at Boots and Holland and Barratt at the moment.
I had my first BFP in 15 months 60 days after changing to Proceive - just miscarried (5th pregnancy loss) but it's made me hopeful as it's closer than we've been in a long time x