Emotional rollercoaster

[Fizzy13]

We're right at the very beginning of all of this and I'm already an emotional wreck.
I just missed the phone call from the Dr (didn't get to the phone in time)to order my first set of blood tests. Ended up crying at the poor receptionist trying to make another appointment fast or I'll be waiting another month to get started.

How does everyone cope with the emotional stress of it all?
What can I do to stop myself crying?
Do you tell people (work/friends) what you're doing so they can understand or do you keep it under your hat because who knows what will happen and people asking will make it worse!?

Counselling and antidepressants helped me survive. And I'm not being flippant. It's really really shit. I cried for three days when they changed one of our clinic appointments by a few weeks.

It was a sense of 'finally there's a plan' and then whenever the plan changed even slightly, I couldn't cope.

My advice would be not to bottle anything up. Unfortunately I didn’t take my own advice and 18 months of ivf (4th cycle just failed) has taken its toll mentally on me. It’s a tricky one of who to decide to tell as people have high expectations, hear ivf, and automatically think you’ll be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I do think it’s good to have a few close friends or relatives to talk though otherwise I can be quite a lonely experience.

*it

I was super-sensitive to everything during my first IVF cycle. The BFN was crushing, devastating, it felt like my world was ending. Three failed cycles later, and I'm a lot more relaxed. I think you become desensitised to it all, in a way - you realise that it's potentially a long-term process, almost a way of life, and in order to function you have to relinquish control and go with whatever happens.

I also question whether I've already started to accept that it's never going to work for me and mentally I'm moving on.

@Spongebob79 I'm in a similar boat. Four cycles in, now at a loss as what to do next.

Sometimes wish there were a little corner for those of us at this stage...

Even with all these threads, it doesn't seem like there are many around 40+, still TTC#1, with a whole heap of failures under their belt...

Sorry OP, thread diversion....
It's hard but you have to get stronger, and you no doubt will. There could be hardships, shocks and losses much deeper that a rearranged appointment on the horizon, especially if this becomes a longer term journey for you.

@Botanica, you’re right and it’s nice the hear from people who are in similar situations, sometimes you feel like you’re the only one! I’ve been posting on these threads since starting ivf (albeit now with a name change) and the older and long term ttc #1 seem few and far between.

Again, sorry to crash your thread OP.

@Fizzy13 you are not alone... today I have cried down the phone to the consultants sec, the IVF clinic, 3 different private hospitals, it hasn't got me anywhere, I now feel slightly more rational and feel a bit foolish. Off to fitness class now for some endorphins... hopefully I don't cry at the instructor!

What has helped me was understanding more about the process and almost normalizing infertility/IVF, even though you feel like the only one going through this. I read infertility books and listened to podcasts so by the time IVF started I had a good understanding and realistic expectations. I've found IVF calmer then natural TTC but I'm only in my first cycle so who knows what I'll be like if I need more cycles. Only me and DP know about it.

I found it was much worse in the early days, your expectations are so high and you really feel you might have your baby soon and every set back and delay is crushing. I remember getting delayed a month due to Xmas closures and finding out I had ovarian cysts and crying in the car park, fast forward 6 years, 5 cycles, 3 eggs donors, premature ovarian failure, 2 laparoscopies, a miscarriage and I realised it wasn't worth sweating the small stuff but you do at the time I know, I used to be constantly waiting for a letter, a phone call, a blood test result and it was soul destroying! It gets easier i think, you just have to be prepared for the ups and downs, I told people so they knew but I feel a lot prefer to keep it to themselves so as not to have people prying. Work was always a welcome distraction for me

@Lauren83 thank you for sharing, I'm sorry to hear about your experiences

@Fizzy13 I think I replied to you on another thread, I think we're at a similar stage. I've just started the blood tests (had my first one back and I am ovulating) everything feels like a big deal and I am constantly on edge waiting for the next thing (more bloods tomorrow then scan on monday) so everything feels like it is revolving around me trying and not getting pregnant.

I had a telephone counselling assessment yesterday and that was helpful, waiting for a counsellor now. I've also started listening to podcasts and hearing other people's experiences and how they're coping and that's helping me. Hope you're OK I'm finding some days so hard - spent all day Sunday crying

Thankyou! I did get there in the end I have a little boy and another on the way I just had a rough time getting there, my experience whilst not unusual isn't common as it does tend to work for a lot of women first or second cycle so I really hope things go smoothly for you. I think the hardest part is so much is out of your control and every week feels about a month long

Pleased to hear about your son and congratulations on your pregnancy! It gives me hope @Lauren83

Thanks everyone.
It's nice to know its not just me being a wuss!
I'm sorry to hear people feel so lonely after trying for such a long time.
@Botanica you're right there are going to be things far harder than a moved appointment to deal with.
I do feel you get used to the disappointment. I used to cry with every period that arrived, now I just expect it to.
Blood test 1 done, lets see what the next one brings....

@VenusStarr great news that you do ovulate, fingers crossed for you x