How to support my friends who are going through IVF without being a dick.

[OneShitNight]

I’m meeting up with some old friends for a reunion this weekend and one lovely couple have been trying to conceive for 4 years without success. The reunion is including our children so I’ll be taking my 4yr old and newborn.

I don’t know whether to avoid the subject or is that rude and I don’t want to gush or complain about my new one. I just feel stupidly awkward about it. I just want to catch up with old friends without them feeling like shit.

Can you help please? (Inspired by some insensitive posts on a thread in chat).

Hi! My DH and I are in the same position as your friends - TTC forever, failed donor egg IVF cycle etc. It's awful, heartbreaking, soul-destroying etc. BUT we accept that our friends and family adore their own kids and want to gush about them. You're absolutely entitled to do that! The fact that you're conscious of the issue and trying to be sensitive about it means a lot - you sound like a lovely person so just relax and be normal.

Watching with interest...

I’ve basically “carried on as normal” with my friend who’s currently pregnant on her 5th attempt. Even plonked DD 2 on her for a moment while I did something, just completely normal... moan about my lack of sleep, DD being poorly etc

Of course mainly try and be a good ear for her, positive and supportive and discreet...

Do sometimes think “was that appropriate?” Gah!

Ah Red really pleased to hear that normal is ok!!

They are amazing people persons and are lovely, natural and adoring with our children. She teaches 4 yr olds so is well used to them!

I want to just be natural and normal really.

Definitely! I'd never want to diminish someone's joy in their kids, or tarnish someone's happiness. Yes, sometimes I'm very inwardly bitter and seething and angry at the injustice of it all but it's fleeting and I usually vent into a thread on here specifically for that purpose

Good topic i'd also be interested in advice. I'm pregnant with my second and have two friends struggling to concieve and looking at IVF. I don't want to be insensitive.

As someone who has spent 6 years ttc, I’d avoid complaiming as much as possible.

While I’ve always tried to be as happy as possible for my friends who’ve had child after child with no issues, there are time I’ve really struggled listening to them complain about the various aspects of parenthood. Just like I wouldn’t go on about how much my DH annoys me to a single friend who is desperate to meet someone, or complain about my job to a friend who was out of work and job hunting.

You sound like a lovely considerate friend, op - you know your friends best, have they been relatively open with you about their treatment?

Basically just try and be sensitive - be led by them in terms of how much they want to talk about their treatment (if at all), don’t go on and on about the joys of parenthood and how you never knew real love until you had your children (I had friend say this just after one of our failed cycles).

If they are decent people they’ll be happy for you, but bear in mind it’s likely this event might be quite difficult for them if there are lots of children there. I always really struggled with reunion/get together type events as it threw our complete lack of progression into stark contrast with everyone else’s growing families.

Although I’m the other hand, it’s best to avoid the sympathetic head-tilt stage whisper “HOWS THE IVF GOING’ that I got from a couple of friends.

At the end of the day everyone copes differently with infertility and ttc, but as long as you treat them relatively normally (with a dose of sensitivity) you’ll be fine.

for you for asking x

Thanks for the great advice. I’ll avoid bringing it up unless they do.

They have been very open about their treatment so far with us and also with how insensitive people can be. When they last came to stay at ours they didn’t mention it at all though.

Just let your friend know you're available to listen. My friends have mostly distanced themselves, as they just can't relate. The best reactions have been: offering to put in touch with someone else who had been through it, being really really really honest when I ask questions or share what's happening, and kindly asking how I am and checking in every few weeks (not specifically about ivf).

I'd definitely go for asking e.g. 'How are things with you?' And if they want to talk they will.

Also agree no moaning about pregnancy/ children. I have one very close friend who's child is an absolute nightmare!!! And she will moan to me about 2hr tantrums/ lack of sleep, etc. and I'm absolutely fine with this: her child is particularly difficult and she really needs the support from our friendship group. However, we are close enough that she's already had a discussion with me about her feeling bad about moaning. I've told her to moan away!

And DO NOT SAY: have you considered adoption? At least you won't have to pay for childcare/ university/ I'd love to have your freedom. (You sound lovely so I know you wouldn't). Just generally don't try to put a good spin on it (which I naturally always try to do and have realised can be annoying- not specifically IVF related but just in general... "Well at least... Look on the bright side...")