The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

Most confusing ovarian reserve medal (Dr admits I am filed under the 'not a fucking clue' folder)

AMH of 28 (plus AFC of 42, FSH of 4 and PCOS) to AMH of 1.5 (plus AFC of 5, FSH of 17.6 and I now ovulate) in the space of 5 years....

....then 8 months later AMH of 62.2 (plus AFC of 25+, FSH of 5 and I'm PCOS again??!!!!)

And it turns out the eggs aren't the problem at all, it's the fucking lining!!!!

I'm the Rafa Nadal of these Olympics, I rarely get off the injury bench.

In that case I get that promising new British athlete that the bbc hype up beyond all belief who then falls over the first hurdle, breaks their leg and becomes a laughing stock.

Eddie the Eagle award for plucky effort is still available...

I'm about to walk for an hour to take something to a friend instead of driving for 15minutes as I ovulated this morning and I thought it might jiggle the egg in the direction of DH's swimmers?! Is that enough plucky effort?

Closephine get up there on that podium, you get the gold Eddie medal!

Huge row with dh who chose yesterday for a binge drinking session, denied it, gave me the usual verbal abuse and then expects me to be sweetness and light today. If I was 10 years younger I'd tell him to fuck off. If I'd done that then, I prob would have a family now. Life is shit today.

Sara please ignore me if I'm interfering but are you ok? Are you getting some RL help?

Disclaimer: I'm not a relationship expert and I'm probably projecting, but the fact that you said 'usual' verbal abuse is a massive red flag. I grew up with a family member who liked to get drunk and verbally abuse my mum, then expected everyone to be sweetness and light the next day. It was a scary childhood/early adulthood, and I hated seeing mum get verbally abused. There's always an excuse - infertility, bad day at work, someone looks at them the wrong way - and it could only get worse if you do manage to have a kid with them, which stresses every person and relationship. Lots of women choose to have IVF using sperm donation. Better to be a single mum than with an abusive partner.

Please do forgive me if I'm overstepping boundaries, your post just really made me worry about you.

Robber - I appreciate you for saying that. Dh comes from a drinking family, I do not. All are in denial about their binging. Our rows are always the same. I point out his binge, he denies it and swears a lot. A couple of hours later he apologises and admits to having too much. This occurs about once a month and the rest of the time things are good. Its just so hard to give up on a person when you love them so much. I realise this makes me utterly pathetic. He should have been there for me this weekend and he hasn't been and at the moment I feel that even if we stay together, this is the weekend he lost me. At the moment, I regard him as essentially a sperm donor.

Sara . I know it is really hard. Please be careful, because having children could make him worse (it did with the person I mention). Even if you can't get him to AA (and what you describe is functional alcoholism, but they have to be willing to admit that for AA to help), you can call them yourself for support. They gave me and mum some great advice about how to survive it. There's also some great support elsewhere on MN, in relationships and other places.

Sara, I am so sorry to hear about your lack of support this weekend. I am sure the true pain of IVF not working must come some days later, that is when you really needed him right beside you. Much warmth and support to you.

My sister was married for ten years to a man from a 'drinking family' (all of them functional alcoholics as RObber describes) and it was what killed the marriage eventually. At first it was monthly bad scenes, but once they had children and financial and other other life pressures grew (I.e pressures of being a grown up) his drinking got worse and worse and slowly he became nasty, abusive, and out of control. They are no longer together, and he is JUST ABOUT a good enough dad when he has the kids. But he is out of work and on long term disability benefits (not in this country) and the definition of a proper loser in every respect.

Just take care of yourself.

I'm sorry for being so slow with an update - I am not enjoying progesterone pessaries, and feeling constant stomach cramps and totally exhaustion.

Anyway good news from the Lister this morning - all four of my four fresh embryos are looking good at Day 3. They are all at 7 cells and grade 1, so we are going to wait until Tuesday and hope for a 5 day transfer. My single frozen embryo from March is only at 4 cells and they do not expect that to make it.

I am feeling good about this, and now back to waiting. Does anyone have any experience of the likely 'arrest-rate' for decent looking embryos between day 3 and 5? We are hoping to transfer two (I am 40 with low AMH) - is there a decent chance I might still have two by Tuesday? One would be fine too of course, but would like two as there is such a high chance of chromosomal abnormalities at my age.

Thanks all, and happy weekend vibes. My stepson has just dislocated his knee at rugby training, so while he and DH at at A&E I am eating ice cream and watching crap TV.

But my stomach is in agony from this awful Cyclogest. Does anyone have any tips around how to make this easier? I am currently using them vaginally. Although this morning I stuck one up my bum as I expected to be having a 3 day transfer. Stomach cramps are much worse with bum option for me....

LH congratulations, that's such good news! No progesterone advice from me unfortunately, my clinic won't prescribe them for OI so I haven't had the delight yet.

Hope you're ok sara. This is the worst time. DH and I also have differing opinions of acceptable drinking and it can cause arguments here too. I am so full of hormonal rage, let me know if you want me to come round and duff him up! I could cheerfully kill someone today.

LH, my day 3s that looked good made it to day 5/6 no probs. The ones lagging behind were already so at day 3. Sounding really good. Are you sure the cramps aren't from EC? I had cramps for days. Peppermint tea, bath and hot water bottle would be my remedy of choice. Probably won't make a jot of difference.

I'm hiding in my house as there is a local community event on, and it's full of families. I was going to help out like I usually do, but I can't face it. I saw my neighbour and all her friends with kids the same age, and I was so bloody envious.

Thank you tiger - no I don't know that the problem isn't Thursday's EC...only know that I didn't have this when I did my frozen round in March. I felt pretty normal within days after that. So the Cyclogest is the only different thing this time (in terms of treatment, the other different thing this time is that it looks like the eggs are least of some quality, while it appears they were next to useless in March).

LH - I felt rough on the crinone pessaries. I remember reading the leaflet and being shocked at the common side effects. In particular the line "pain and swelling of the vagina is common and nothing to worry about." Clearly written by a someone that didn't have a vagina! I had bad cramps and headaches and I was expecting that part to be the easiest but it was the worst. But great news on your tip top embys. X

Sara sorry you're having an even more shit time than it already is. Does you husband have triggers before drinking too much? I can't really comment on the functional alcoholic point cos in the past I have drunk what people would consider a lot (daily wine) which I've cut down to weekends now (min half a bottle Friday, Saturday, glass on Sunday) and the odd one glass during the week. These count as binges I know, even though I don't get drunk as I'm not downing it all in an hour so to speak.

I don't think I'm worthy of a medal at the Barralympics, but I'd like a special commendation for prolific use of the word cunt, please!

Cyclogestinge too LHR - seems to leak less when I arse bullet them. Don't have any discernible side effects - haven't really throughout everything tbh. FET on weds.... Looming large.

sara I sort of get the issues re drinking. My OH never drinks during the week but on occasions at weekends he binges. Really badly to the stage he doesn't come to bed until 5 in the morning. He's always been a bit of a keen drinker! It's been a standing joke within the family that he's the life and soul of a party but I hate it. Especially when we are going through something so life changing as IVF. I ask him (when he's sober) why he does it and he says it helps to relieve the pressure of all that we are going though. I do understand that as he keeps it together 99% of the time for me but feels the need for the more than too frequent blow out.
Hope you get things sorted.

I'm now back on the wagon. Had a bozey birthday weekend. Now feeling deflated at the thought of cutting out all the good stuff ready for round 2. I did really well for a whole year before our failed cycle. Now thinking what's the point! Did anyone else go on a booze, caffeine, cake detox? I wonder how much it helps with the egg quality because it definitely doesn't help my stress levels!

Hi Karla, truthfully I did no detoxing until one week before I started stims. Prior to that I was on holiday and drinking every day. Usually I drink the weekly limit for women (15 units / week ish).

I dunno, I know I am in no way best practice, and after a few failed rounds I am sure I will revisit this subject. I just struggle to believe that everything in moderation is going to make the difference between IVF working or not.

I didn't drink throughout stims until after EC. This past weekend I had two glasses of wine on Friday night, and two on Sunday night. Now awaiting what I hope will be a 5-day transfer tomorrow. So hope something has reached blast stage. What do I do if I arrive and they say they are all dead?!

I only drink one 1-shot coffee a day, I haven't changed that.

I eat plenty of cake (BMI is 21 - I do accept that a high BMI makes a difference).

Icy thanks - thinking of you on wed.
Karla - I totally get that. Dh said that the one wish he would have is for me to be pregnant. My wish is for him to drink less. But wishing only goes so far.
Went to clinic. Doctor explained that embryo dev starts with the maternal genes then the later stages- to blastocyst stage are down to the male genes.we had good fertilisation but she said could be chance dh has fragmented sperm which could explain our poor conversion rate. Also suggested lipid transfusion for second cycle to boost implantation and decrease my immunity in case it is rejecting embryos as thinks they are alien invaders! Interesting. Any thoughts expert fiends?
I've realised a big part of my sadness is the feeling I had the start of life in me and now it's gone with nothing to mark that it ever was.

"I've realised a big part of my sadness is the feeling I had the start of life in me and now it's gone with nothing to mark that it ever was."

That is a lovely sentiment Sara, and utterly understandable. While these embryos are small, to us they are all so vitally precious. You worked so hard to create your beautiful embryo. To suddenly pretend they never existed is truly painful.

Hugs for you.

Reported.

Sara I've had intralipids (aka miracle mayonnaise) this cycle - we've done an immunes protocol, because I miscarried a chromosomally normal embryo, so I had intralipids 10 days prior to ET, and I'm currently on steroids, clexane, aspirin and extra progesterone

Normally you'd have ILs in conjunction with prednisolone, both have been absolutely fine for me. If I get a BFP I would have another intralipids IV, I think they last for about 4 weeks...

sara you've summed up the utter heartbreak of it all so eloquently there.

I had pictures of my embryos both times, and have the positive tests from my first cycle in a box. It is important to me to acknowledge that they existed too.

At least they have made some suggestions for next time. Will you get going again as soon as you can, or take a break? I've not had immune treatment but others I know have had intralipids and a good outcome.

karla, I did detox for my last two rounds. Gave up caffeine 4 years ago anyway and, wheat/gluten 2.5 years ago (my sister and grandma have Coeliacs so I didn't want to take any chances) and went booze free for 3 months before each cycle. More organic veg/meat/eggs and less processed stuff. Did it make a difference? Doubt it. Can't be bothered this time around, am just enjoying things in moderation.

Cd 27 here and need my period to stay away till Friday so as not to fuck up my holiday this week. Scan can be as late as day 4 so am praying it holds out till then. Of course, my body will do the exact opposite I'm sure. Both my DR cycles before were 32 days long, which would ideal....