Rant about how other people just expect to get pregnant

[Chattycat78]

Hi guys, and apologies in advance for what is probably a very irrational post! After a hard ttc struggle and ivf last year, we now have a six month old, which is amazing and I'm obviously very grateful. However, I'm still so irritated by the way other people talk about getting pregnant and how easy they seem to expect it to be. I was at the in laws yesterday and apparently my SIL wants another baby with her new husband even though they already have 4 kids between them. I was even told that the toys we had been given for our baby "would have to come back when the new baby came along....'. This really annoyed me - we would love another baby too but I wouldn't dare to presume it will be easy or even possible, and it's just the way it's expected by other people- and I have no doubt that in about 3 months there will be a pregnancy announcement from them without them barely having to try while we have to majorly struggle. Is it me or is it totally unfair, and Is anyone else annoyed by this sort of stuff or is it just me?

It's perfectly understandable that you feel this way. However, thankfully most people do not experience problems with fertility so for them it does just seem natural to say it do it have it as it were. Certainly in your SIL's case, the fact they have 4 already, presumably without issue means it is probably very easy for her to fall pregnant. I think infertility is one of those things that people really don't have much understanding of, certainly from an emotional pov, until/unless it happens to them. Unless she has form for lacking empathy, then chances are she was just chatting in a matter of fact way rather than trying to upset you.

So YANBU to be upset as long as you are aware that your feelings are irrational but understandable. But neither are other women unreasonable to assume they'll fall pregnant easily or indeed to go ahead and actually fall pregnant first month or two of trying.

Congratulations on your baby and I hope you manage to have the second child you wish for.

I know what you mean, sort of. I used to feel the same way after my miscarriages, about the way friends who announced pregnancies would talk about them with not the slightest doubt that they would just stay pregnant.

It's not even that I used to think they were tactless (though sometimes they were a bit). It's more that the fact that knowing more about miscarriages than they did before, knowing my story, didn't make them even the slightest bit more nervous, and I couldn't understand why not.

The only way I can think that they wouldn't be affected is if they were subconsciously assuming that they were somehow different from me and it was something about me that made it happen. It felt like they were saying "oh miscarriages aren't part of my storyline - that's just something for people like you".

I think it might be because it makes us feel a bit frightened and vulnerable when we imagine bad things that happen to other people are just down to luck. We prefer the idea that there must have been something special and wrong with the people it did happen to, and if we think that, then it's just not going to be relevant to us and won't happen, will it?

It's hard to explain but I think I do know what you mean. Best of luck with your future ttc.

I know what you mean (recurrent mcs here), but it's good that most people don't live in our world of struggling to have a child, even if it does make some of their comments hard to swallow. Luckily you can rant away on here!

I can understand where you are coming from but I also think you are being a bit irrational.

No one really knows their chance of conceiving and there's no harm in optimism.

I was the other way and decided to start trying for a baby with my DP earlier than maybe was wise because we were convinced it would take ages. Thanks in part to the media's portrayal of women over 30. I became pregnant first try.

People just don't realise unless they've experienced it. I have a friend who knew I'd had ectopic and miscarriages and tried for months and months etc and she still blubbered on using the phrase 'when I have a baby...' I kept thinking 'if and when, if and when'

Some people breeze through fertility, others struggle indefinitely

I've been both sides of the fence. Fell without trying with my son, problem free dream pregnancy, honestly didn't understand how anyone else struggled with conception or pregnancy. Now with three miscarriages under my belt and plenty of infertility I don't know how people manage to fall or stay pregnant at all. I think it's a totally bloody miracle.

Forgive them not what they know and I hope you are able to conceive no.2 without too much trouble. It's a heart breaking subject and you have my sympathies xx

I suppose its just because a lot of people just do get pregnant easily? I know I do, I just don't stay pregnant that often. I'm always a bit bemused by people who get pregnant and assume there will be an actual baby at a given point, as if there weren't so many things thatgo wrong. I'm not annoyed, just don't get it.

I think unless you've had first hand experience of pregnancy loss or infertility you're in blissful ignorance of what can lie ahead. I know I was with my first. People are often utterly ignorant of what others go through in all areas of life.

it's expected by other people... And I have no doubt that in about three months there will be a pregnancy announcement

YANBU to feel it's unfair. It is unfair that some people have to struggle so hard to get pregnant.
But YAabitU to criticise your SIL for anticipating that they probably will get pregnant fairly easily when it sounds as though you're anticipating the same thing.

People are always going to differ in how much they worry or are optimistic. Some want to think positive and assume the best will happen and others are cautious and prefer not to count their chickens.

Are you really blissfully ignorant without personal experience? You have to be aware of other people surely.

When I 'announced' we were trying for a baby (how nieve I was...) I was 23 thought no problem will get pregnant straight away. A family member said 'good luck with that...' she had recurrent miscarriages between #1 and #2 and lo and behold it was a loooooong 19m later until I got a bfp. Optimism it fine but I can see from the other side now- it's not to be taken for granted having a baby and getting pregnant is a blinking miracle!

I get your feeling it's unfair, but unfortunately life is in many ways not just fertility, it's like saying someone discussing the ease of getting a mortgage could be inconsiderate to the homeless.
Your fertility problems may also be viewed as unfair luck to someone who is never ever going to conceive.
Being envious sometimes in life isn't at all wrong, but you can envy what someone else has without being jealous of the person that has it.

Don't reflect your negative experiences on others it truly isn't good for you and it jusg breeds your own negativity.

Best to think positive.

Yeah I know you're all right! Thanks for the comments guys- I just needed to get it off my chest. I wouldn't wish issues on someone else- I think sometimes I just feel irrational about it all- I think partly because I would like a second and I'm really scared of whether it's possible and the thought of going through ivf again is really not a nice one. I understand the miscarriage comments too- I had one myself so I also spent my successful pregnancy terrified and toilet paper checking every second of the day. I suppose sometimes too much information or knowing too much is a bad thing!

Chattycat - I totally get how you feel. I do think that unless anyone has been through fertility issues or treatment they have no idea about what heartache it can cause. bonzo77 - I think you summed it up perfectly. I was incredibly frustrated yesterday when a friend who has always been rather cocky said her biggest worry about getting to 12 weeks (in her first pregnancy having conceived first try) was having to have some blood tests. Apparently she doesn't like needles haha! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry reading the message leaving my ivf clinic having given 3 vials of blood carrying my sharps box home for my home injections. At that point I felt totally justified to feel pretty irritated even though I am lucky enough to have a roof over my head and be in good health!!!!
I was slightly surprised by some attitudes on this tread - I don't think you wish your SIL any bad luck it just feels so insensitive sometime when people are presumptuous about how easy it can be.

I get how you feel Chattycat too.

We are friends with a couple who really irritate me in the way they talk about it. They are not yet TTC, but when anyone talks about any event about a year away they say things like 'oh we'll probably be looking after a baby then, so we won't be able to come'. I'm sure I am being both unreasonable and irrational to let it irritate me but I can't help it! Perhaps they are in blissful ignorance and don't know anyone who has struggled at all.

Thanks sr and blue- it makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this!! Obviously I don't wish issues on you either, but you know what I mean! I suppose people who have never struggled can't understand

Yes Chatty, I think they can't understand. I also think as someone else said upthread, some people are naturally more optimistic. I thought it would take us a while ('a while' being like 6 months to a year, hahaha. little did I know) as I am naturally pessimistic. But it does really surprise me that people who haven't even started TTC yet would actually assume that they would have a baby in 12 months' time. It makes me mad, but I realise this is due to my own feelings! However, I can't be around them and listen to it - I have to walk away.