When did/ do you tell people about problems?

[EllaBella1]

Hi all, at the moment hubs and I are going through SA and bloods with a referral hopefully being made at our next GP appointment next month. We are quickly approaching 2 years ttc #1 and we have never had any success.

We haven't told anyone and I have been ok coping with these forums and the hubs for assistance but I'm wondering when people told their family and friends. If you haven't why not.

I feel it's a really personal thing but the constant questions of it will be you next, are you guys having a baby and trying to keep up upbeat around all the pregnant family and friends is draining.

So what did you do or what have do you think?

Sorry to hear Ella. I am a very private person and found this very difficult too. My 2 best friends know, and they are such a support. Sometimes you just need to vent/cry/do what you need to do with someone other than DH. I never officially told anyone else, but if people ask I always say unfortunately we have not been so lucky but are hopeful. This usually shuts them up! Good luck with ttc.

We just say we will one day and don't say we have been trying. Maybe we should change our response

Sorry to hear that Ella, we're in a similar position to you, been trying for over 2 years and nothing for baby #1. We're on the ICSI path now.

I've told my best friends and a couple of other friends. My colleagues know too and in all honesty they have been better than my friends! We have told my in laws but my parents/siblings (apart from my sister) don't know. My mum has been unwell for the last year and this would stress her out (and in turn stress me out with the constant questioning!) when she brings it up I usually brush her off or change the subject. The last time she brought it up I did tell her that I wouldn't tell her if we were struggling or not, even if we had gone to the GP I would not tell her. She seems to have stopped asking now!

For me it depends on who the person is, I refuse to tell one of my friends because she is rubbish, there wouldn't be any support from her, however if she ever asked outright then I would tell her. Sadly, I can't bring myself to talk to one of my best friends about this because she's 7 weeks away from giving birth to her first and it still makes me a little sad (that I'm not there with her in terms of being pregnant) and I always feel like talking about my problems takes away from her happiness.

We were trying for nearly 9 years before we got pregnant. Never told anyone to this day. I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. We just said we didn't want children. Nobody seemed to think anythong of it.

We tried for 5 years before we conceived. People asked us about having children on the day we got married and that didn't stop for the next 5 years. I was just honest and said "we're trying but it's not happening for us". Most people would leave it there - a few would then go on to ask about our plans for fertility treatment and/or adoption and I would say I'd rather not discuss it if they didn't mind.

Although I did lose track of the amount of people who said 'just relax and it will happen'.... I was ready to punch some of those people after about 3 years of trying.

By the way, we didn't relax, but it did happen eventually. DS is now 3.4 and I'm pregnant again after a MC last year.

Hi EllaBella1!
I didn't want to tell people and my husband agreed not to say anything. Why? I preferred dealing with things on my own, not have any pressure to feel positive/negative, to have time and space to process things as they happened. It worked for me (ie I did cry and have down moments but then I had time to get back to normal and look forward again).

We were successful after 3 rounds. I gave birth to a health baby (so cute!) but unfortunately was seriously injured during the birth. Horror is what I felt the weeks following birth (I had serious incontinence problems and was in excruciating pain). Because of that I started feeling it was time to tell. Everything put together was clearly too much for me to cope with.
I talked to my husband and we agreed we could tell people. I told my sister and some close friends. My parents still don't know (I don't get on well with them) and neither do my in-laws (they would make too much of a fuss and probably not actually listen to what we say).
Originally I had thought we would tell people later, much later, when we felt ready, after we had enjoyed our baby together. It didn't happen this way but it's fine now. I don't mind telling or not telling people.

Hope this is useful.

Hi Ella, I'm in a very similar position to you - TTC for 2 years, had all the tests, and have just been referred for our first fertility specialist appointment.

I've told a few people, just friends or colleagues. I got to a point after 18 months where I couldn't stand anyone not knowing and trying to act normal all the time, so I told a couple of close friends. People are generally very supportive and it's sometimes surprising what you find out - e.g. I found out a colleague has never had children as she and her husband are both carriers for sickle cell anaemia. So often people understand more than you think they will.

We haven't told any family -I personally feel that I couldn't cope with the questions from them.

I second what Elektra said about being sad that she can't talk to her best friend who is pregnant about it. This happened to me too - one of my best friends had a baby about six months ago. She lives in another country so we only message occasionally. I congratulated her when the baby was born but I haven't felt able to send her a message asking all about it as I just don't think I could cope with hearing it. This really upsets me and I know it's silly of me