Times Article: Have you let your kids take over your life?

[Romilly70]

I thought the writer was speaking a lot of sense...

women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article7138329.ece

Lots of parents have become slaves to their children's whims

I don't think a lot of people do I think a few people have. I think most people just tend to get on with parenting with trying to balance their life with their childrens. I think the writer is going to be shouted at for her view of ADHD, sighed at by the parents of true fussy eaters who would love their children to eat what is put in front of them and I just think she is a shrivelled up old shrew for not enjoying Disney just because she is an adult, we went 4 times when we were children only because my father loved it so much.

Wow! So basically she's saying "I'm THE perfect parent and the rest of you paying attention to your children's wishes are morons".

If half of what she says is true I feel sorry for her children. What a childhood to have a parent who can't pretend to be interested in what you care about....

I mostly skimmed it but its good to be reminded that it is ok for your kids to be bored, for you not to play with them all the time, to have to do what YOU want to do, too.

My BIL came out with a similar line to that in the article.. when we were talking about needing a babysitter "you knew what you were doing when you had kids, we stay in and look after our own".. I was like.. ??!! ooookkkaaaay.

"If half of what she says is true I feel sorry for her children. What a childhood to have a parent who can't pretend to be interested in what you care about...."

see I don´t read it like that at all - I agree with things like the holidays - we can´t afford lots of holidays so I´m not about to shell out on one to disneyland or something that is 100% for ds (dh HATES fairground rides). My mum often dumped and ran when taking me to activities and it was what was done, I didn´t think she didn´t care - i didn´t even think about it. I was doing gymnastics/ dance/ brownies/ horse riding, not her.

I like to spend our weekends doing some housework, some park, the beach, a train ride or something (these for ds obv!) then maybe visit with friends (ours, no kids), go to a bar, go clothes shopping etc. In other words, a balance of what ds wants and what we want. Isn´t that all she is saying?

that's not how it feels to me it comes through though.

First of all I detest her self applaud to her parenting perfectionism and it all goes downhill from there to me. I know there are extreme cases of what she describes, but let's say that your 6 year old is dying to go to Legoland and has been good and saving money for a very long time, why can't you as a parent sacrifice one day and get bored in order to make your child happy.

Children go to nursery every day without being asked, are never asked what they'd like for dinner, never asked if they want to go shopping, they simply have to do as they're told. Is it THAT sinful to indulge them once in a while in expense of our intellectual stimulation?

Not to metnion her perfect parenting of taking healthy children to a hospital, surely a 12 and 14 year old could have stayed home.

I think her tone is condescending but otherwise what she's saying (as is usual in The Times at the moment) isn't new. There have always been parents who cater to the child's every whim and others who don't.

She doesn't, however, mention the "blame culture" perpetrated by psychologists where every adult problem is the result of parenting and I'm certain there is a correlation between this and the desire to keep the children happy at all costs.

I'm a mix of both styles but I've reaised that my DD (only 2.8) is as happy at the park or in the garden as at expensive attractions. That said, we will be going to the zoo and, if the weather improves, the seaside this week. That's as much for my amusement as hers though.

A lot of what she says is true though - there are a lot of people who do centre their lives around their kids to this extent - however she's focused the article around her own experience and isn't thinking about other people having different lifestyles or needs to hers.

She certainly didn't end up with 'greedy omnivores' through her strategy of "Eat it there's nothing else" but by sheer luck. As someone else here has said, real food issues don't work like that whatever you try.

Then there's the assumption that anyone can get an ADHD diagnosis just because they fancy it - anyone who's been through that process with their child will be quick to tell you otherwise. That said, I agree that a lot of people don't bother putting in the effort required to teach their kids how to behave in restaurants - electronic props have become the norm in such situations for many.

True, she's revelling in her own wonderfulness as though everyone who applies her parenting strategies will get the same result, but she does make some relevant points about how parents over-focus on their children as well.

Oh please!! She sounds so selfish, why on earth did she even bother having kids? Having a child means a change in lifestyle. If you cannot accept that, then don't have them.

Sheesh!!

A lot of parents here spend their weekends ferrying their kids from one activity to another. Totally farks me off actually as it leaves very little time to meet up for long boozy lunches.

Hmm - I think I agree with most points on here, actually! Even though they are disagreeing sometimes.

The article raises some good, if not remotely new, points - over-stimulating children is not helpful, allow them to be bored, make them do some things they don't want to (welcome to the real world, children!). BUT!! She should apply the same reasoning to herself. And that involves the "ultimate sacrifice" of taking your DC occasionally to the moneypits that are themeparks, watching them do their hobby, going to see the latest Disney pic at the cinema. NOT whenever they want to - but once in a while.

I quite liked the quiz at the bottom - not at first, but it improved and the results list made me LOL.

Ugh, didn'T like the condescending tone.

She's wrong about societies where kids are well-behaved being adult-friendly. The opposite is true. In societies where children are welcome in in all restaurants and cafes, and are treated well by other adults when out, the children tend to be better behaved. CHildren need to learn how to be adults.
I also think parents should think twice before taking their children shopping with them. Not because its an adult thing and they'll get bored, but because I don't think its children's fault that they've been born into a society where shopping is a major pass-time for many women instead of in a junlge where they could be having a blast

But I agree that we shouldn't organise our lives around our kids, that they can be bored. Kids need lots of downtime doing nothing.

Typical article by someone who mixes with lots of Alpha females - women who over-indulge their children out of guilt for spending so little time with them, and for pressuring them academically.

Personally I can't think of anything I enjoy more than having a day out with my kids. I LOVE theme parks!

And taking the three of them shopping in town... argh, I'd rather poke my eyes out with a sharp stick.

I stumbled across this story on the weekend and thought the article spoke a lot of truth and I recognised a lot of myself in it.

The best line in the article was this quote, "Isn?t the basic anthropological function of parenting that we should initiate our young into the adult world, not infantalise ourselves? ", which articulates a feeling I have had ever since I began the parenting lark.

I never order from the kids menu for DS. DS always has to eat what we eat or he goes hungry (and to date has never had to go hungry thank goodness). On holidays we go exactly where the adults want to go and DS seems to enjoy himself. I have no intention to go to Eurodisney.

And when my DS is at gymnastics and the other parents are micro-analyzing their kid's every move I take the rare opportunity to read the paper for an hour.

Flame me if you like.

I think there's a lot of truth in the article. parents today are terrified of their childrem they are terrified of not being perfect. I live in an area where overparenting is rife. Eevery second is scheduled to death with meaningful activities. Holidays and weekends are planned to be "family" (aka child) friendly so darcy and sebastien aren't bored or god frobid not being parented by enthusiastic child focussed parents. .

the older my dd getes (she's nearly 4) the more i'm beginning to reject this bollocks. weekends are for all of us not just dd. They're mine and my dhs weekends too! therefore I will spend a few hours doing something just for me and dd will come along to something that me and dh enjoy. theme parks? maybe v v occasionally but best left to school trips imo. Don't get me wrong we go to the park and to museums but only ones that we all enjoy.

Dd goes to dancing at the weekend and my dcs will only ever be going to 1 activity per weekend on the same day including parties. otherwise the weekend becomes child centred dull as s**te hell. At least one day needs to be reserved without childrens activities.

the current parenting culture of over parenting and complete inability to allow children to be bored and amuse themselves lest they develop God forbid low self esteem has led to the opposite high self esteem, overly high and we are in danger of breeding a generation of narcissists.

I think one thing brought up in the comments section resonated with me:

"...there is a basic misunderstanding in what a child-friendly society such as Spain or Italy actually involves. As the writer says, these are child-friendly countries because a) people are genuinely interested in other peoples's children b) children are expected to fit into the ebb and flow of adult and family life c) all adults feel able to step and care for all children (telling them off or giving them a pat on the head as the situation requires)
When you contrast that with the British notion of child-friendly (with elimination of risk being the sole focus)you realise our ideas our based on fear, and theirs on a general concern for society along with a good dose of affection for all children, not just their own. "

Didn't she get this line wrong, though?

• 'We sit and stare at them in worshipful awe as if they are medieval supplicants.'

ie, it should be ...as if we are medieval supplicants (and they're something higher)

Not at all, I keep mine chained in a dungeon so I can pursue my life pretty much uninterrupted, exactly as it was pre-children

"I never order from the kids menu for DS. DS always has to eat what we eat or he goes hungry"

Chuffin' hell, he must have a huge appetite

(not meaning that you are pigs! - but kids menu provides smaller portions, I order from it for that reason, not because my children will only eat chicken dippers, iyswim )

That came across all wrong! Will quit whilst I'm ahead!

I tend to order from the adult menu for ds as he doesn't like the usual kids stuff. I gave up trying when I realised that I was ordering kids food, ds refusing to eat it and then ordering something else that he would eat in its entirety. He does tend to eat as much as me when we are out and I have a healthy appetite. We both had adult pizzas for tea yesterday and ds followed his with a dessert (I was too full) .

I also do a fair amount of ferrying around but it is all confined to a Saturday morning so doesn't actually feel that bad. I don't really watch whatever activity he does as it is quite nice to enjoy the peace and quiet over a nice coffee!

Should add that ds is 5.

found very interesting the fact that she describes the moments that children's faces light up as mythical.

If she really ignores her children as much as she says I'm not surprised though.

And no, I'm not a helicopter mummy, but I recognise that my children are individuals and this individuality needs to be encouraged. I WILL read the gruffallo to DD before bed because she loves it. I WILL help DS when he struggles to play the tune of spongebob or little einsteins,because he tries so hard and occasionally asks for help. I'd rather be reading a nice book or watching a movie, but if I don't spend any time with my children, then I'm not bringing them up, I'm simply living in the same house with them, providing food and clean clothes, which would make me the maid.

I'm their mother, and I want to get to know them. I completely devote to them an hour before bed every day,and I don't think this is much for a child to ask from a parent. THey always come on business trips without complaining, because that's what we do since they were born. But if we take them to a theme park once a year, their faces DO light up, of course they do, what's wrong with this woman?