Funny story in the Mail (which, obviously, I just found on my table at the coffee shop)

[morningpaper]

Small boy crushed by Camilla's bottom - his face is so funny!

n.b. I have not left my desk for months days

Aww how cute, good job it wasn't me I'd have knocked his wee head off.

[contemplates dieting]

Yep if it was me they'd have find a rope to retrieve him