Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

News

IS RUSSELL BRAND GIVING BRITAIN'S FARMERS SWINE FLU?

39 replies

DisturbinglySexuallyInactive · 24/06/2009 18:07

ahhhhh the daily mail o matic is still alive!

and has been updated, yay

Daily Mail-o-matic

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 29/06/2009 12:28

COULD CHANNEL 4 MOLEST YOUR PENSION?

Thunderduck · 29/06/2009 12:29

WILL LESBIANS KILL TAXPAYERS?

PortAndLemon · 29/06/2009 12:29

ARE THE GERMANS GIVING YOUR PETS CANCER?

Thunderduck · 29/06/2009 12:30

HAVE FERAL CHILDREN GIVEN THE COUNTRYSIDE CANCER?

PortAndLemon · 29/06/2009 14:02

It's worth downloading the Greasemonkey script just to read the comments in the code...

// Subjects (i.e. bad things)
subjects = [

new Noun("new labour",3,1),
new Noun("brussels",3,1),
new Noun("the bbc",3,1),
new Noun("the e.u.",3,1),
new Noun("the euro",3,1),
new Noun("the loony left",3,1),
new Noun("the unions",3,2), // May be a bit quaint this one
new Noun("channel 4",3,1),
new Noun("your local council",3,1),

new Noun("the french",3,2),
new Noun("the germans",3,2),
new Noun("the poles",3,2),
new Noun("brussels bureaucrats",3,2),
new Noun("muslims",3,2),
new Noun("immigrants",3,2), // Except those from the UK to Spain & the Algarve of course
new Noun("teachers",3,2),
new Noun("the unemployed",3,2),
new Noun("gypsies",3,2),
new Noun("yobs",3,2),
new Noun("hoodies",3,2),
new Noun("feral children",3,2), // They hate children and paedophiles FFS, make your minds up
new Noun("chavs",3,2),
new Noun("the p.c. brigade",3,2),

new Noun("asylum seekers",3,2), // Nicer way of saying 'brown people'
new Noun("gays",3,2),
new Noun("lesbians",3,2),
new Noun("single mothers",3,2),
new Noun("paedophiles",3,2),

new Noun("gordon brown",3,1),
new Noun("alistair darling",3,1),
new Noun("jacqui smith",3,1),
new Noun("russell brand",3,1), // FIXME: Delete when latest moral panic is over

new Noun("teenage sex",3,1),
new Noun("political correctness",3,1),
new Noun("health & safety",3,1),
new Noun("feminism",3,1),
new Noun("the metric system",3,1), // For fuck's sake
new Noun("dumbing-down",3,1),
new Noun("rip-off britain",3,1),
new Noun("the internet",3,1),
new Noun("facebook",3,1), // I CAN'T BELIEVE THE MAIL ACTUALLY SAID FACEBOOK COULD GIVE YOU CANCER, FOR REAL
new Noun("filth on television",3,1),
new Noun("the human rights act",3,1),
new Noun("the nanny state",3,1),
new Noun("cancer",3,1), // Could cancer give you cancer?
new Noun("binge drinking",3,1),
new Noun("the house price crash",3,1) // Hahahaha
];

// Transitive phrases (i.e. bad thing they do)
transitive_phrases = [
new Phrase("give", "given", "giving", "cancer"),
new Phrase("give", "given", "giving", "cancer"), // Have it twice as they're so bloody obsessed by it
new Phrase("infect", "infected", "infecting", "with AIDS"),
new Phrase("make", "made", "making", "obese"),
new Phrase("give", "given", "giving", "diabetes"),
new Phrase("make", "made", "making", "impotent"),

new Phrase("turn","turned","turning","gay"), // Cunts

new Phrase("scrounge off","scrounged off","scrounging off",""),
new Phrase("tax", "taxed", "taxing", ""),
new Phrase("cheat", "cheated", "cheating", ""),
new Phrase("defraud", "defrauded", "defrauding", ""),
new Phrase("steal from","stolen from","stealing from",""),
new Phrase("burgle","burgled","burgling",""),
new Phrase("devalue","devalued","devaluing",""),
new Phrase("rip off","ripped off","ripping off",""),

new Phrase("molest","molested","molesting",""),
new Phrase("have sex with","had sex with","having sex with",""),
new Phrase("impregnate", "impregnated", "impregnating", ""),

new Phrase("steal the identity of","stolen the identity of","stealing the identity of",""),

new Phrase("destroy","destroyed","destroying",""),
new Phrase("kill","killed", "killing",""),
new Phrase("ruin","ruined","ruining",""),
new Phrase("hurt","hurt", "hurting","")
];

// Objects (i.e. saintly, saintly things)
objects = [
"the british people",
"the middle class",
"middle britain", // Cunts
"england",

"hard-working families",
"homeowners",
"pensioners",
"drivers",
"taxpayers",
"taxpayers' money",

"house prices",
"property prices", // Hahahahahahahaa

"britain's farmers",
"the countryside",

"british justice",
"british sovereignty",
"common sense and decency",

"the queen", // God bless 'er
"the royal family",
"the church",

"you",
"your mortgage",
"your pension",
"your daughters",
"your children",
"your house",
"your pets",

"the conservative party", // FAIL
"cliff richard", // Should this be in here?
"the memory of diana",
"Britain's swans" // This always stays
];

Ninkynork · 29/06/2009 14:04

How do you use that then? I want to put it on FIL's computer without telling him

PortAndLemon · 29/06/2009 14:09

He'd need to be using Firefox, Ninkynork.

And the trouble with it is that it doesn't relate the headline in any way to the subject of the article. I'm vaguely toying with the possibility of writing a varient that detects whether the article in question is woman-hating, queer-bashing or xenophobic (may well be all three, of course, but one is likely to dominate) and skew the algorithm towards that subject matter...

Because, of course, I don't actually have 101 more urgent things that I really ought to be doing...

Ninkynork · 29/06/2009 14:11

Oh yes, you'd need to include working mothers, breastfeeding-nazi mothers and single mothers on benefits.

And swans.

If you had the time

Ninkynork · 29/06/2009 14:14

Sorry I thought you were saying that misogyny was absent from the code, I didn't read your post properly.

francagoestohollywood · 29/06/2009 14:23

WILL CHANNEL 4 RIP OFF HARD-WORKING FAMILIES?

PortAndLemon · 29/06/2009 14:38

I did think those were missing, though, now you come to mention it...

lobsters · 29/06/2009 18:43

WILL RIP-OFF BRITAIN TURN THE QUEEN GAY?

UnquietDad · 29/06/2009 20:13

You're all making your own up now, admit it

UnquietDad · 29/06/2009 23:32

If not, then we should be.

HAVE SINGLE MOTHERS INFECTED THE QUEEN WITH AIDS?

DO GAY LOCAL COUNCIL PAEDOPHILES THREATEN TAXPAYERS' MONEY?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page