PM to decide Raab’s future ‘hours’ after receiving report

[Thewickerwomen]

I keep seeing this headline in The Times and I do realise that I am misreading it … BUT

I keep thinking that it means that Rishi Sunak is deciding Raab’s future in the job—which will only be ‘hours’ long— and what I am then thinking is that he is going to make sure that those hours are really special. One last hurrah for Sunak and Raab!

Get the Mexican coke ready and let’s throw tomatoes at a tomatoey coconut shy before winking at some ladies in the opposition party.

Maybe they will invite Seb Coe and Hague over for some judo on the carpet before getting heavy with some boxing and then spuriously instruct some junior staff to reconfigure their spreadsheets.

If you were the PM, what would you be planning for Raab’s future ‘hours’, immediately after reading the report?

I mean, it may go the other way, of course. After Rishi reads the report, he may decide that Raab’s ‘hours’ are best spent elsewhere with immediate effect.

Or he may get all the ‘we’ve been accused of bullying, too!’ ministers round for a bit of a solidarity Chumbawumba sing song, before going back to the office on Monday.

I realise that I have very much been talking to myself on this one, but given that we are actually in Raab’s future ‘hours’ right now, has nobody thought to listen out for the clink of coke bottles or the sound of Chumbawumba emanating from No 10? And can anyone explain the crates of tomatoes being delivered through the back door?!

While journalists have cleared their evening and are standing outside waiting for the results, Rishi has got all the ministers in for one last ministerial boxing match. It will be just like Rocky, but without the sympathetic main character or the sequels.

I'm just listening to Raab's interview with Chris Mason. Raab is such a KNOB !!! "Woe is me, poor little victim of Remainer Unionist Activists in the Civil Service"

"Civil servants love me, I'm just firm and a few power hungry civil servants don't know how to handle that."

"Now all my poor colleagues are shaking in their boots afraid of over-powered unelected civil servants."

Boohoohoo

I was disappointed that the report didn’t mention winking or throwing tomatoes at people. Somehow I had thought that those things were hard facts.

But it achieved the right outcome. I feel sorry for everyone involved, actually.