DD struggling with friendships

[Rainyheart]

DD has had anxiety in the past, never spoken to a professional - always just been to me. Now she’s in her first term at uni and she’s struggling to establish friendships.

It seemed to be going well at first, she’s getting out and joining societies, trying to make connections.

But people are already forming houseshare groups for next year, and she doesn’t seem to be included. (Not in a flatshare this year so no natural group).

I’m saying it’s early and things will work out, but my heart hurts so much for her. I can see she’s struggling and fear that will come across to people and she might end up isolated/isolating.

I’ve told her I’ve seen posts from other parents whose kids are in similar positions, but I don’t know how involved to get. I don’t want to swoop in - but worried if I don’t help her as well.

Anyone had anything similar?

It's crazy how early the 2nd year housesharing arrangements can kick in now. I know a handful of unis/cities have limited accommodation so unfortunately it has to happen in some places (although it's still okay to wait longer), but feel like that's put the pressure on everywhere and it's really not necessary or wise.

No one is really friends yet in any meaningful way and a lot of these early connections won't work out and could well go pears. I'd tell her that she's in the better position not getting stuck with the wrong people so far and to keep doing what she's doing, going to activities and exploring uni life. There's always rooms that come up all year round and she won't end up without a place to live, even if it's private halls with a whole bunch of other nice people in the same position.

She’ll probably dodge a bullet not signing up so early. Where is she living now. Can she live there yr2?
Mine was in halls yr1, private flat share yr2 and now in private halls yr3 as only needs a semester due to study abroad. It’s been civilised and she’s very happy. Cost wise cheaper than flat share. I’ll be encouraging private halls for her last year.

How would you be able to "swoop in" and help her make friends? Isn't this realistically something she has to do by herself?

I know I can’t make friends for her @Clause1980 - I meant more how much to offer solutions. I’m the one she comes to when she’s feeling like this, and I don’t always know if I say the right thing. Or if she tells me the most negative feelings as a way of getting it out.

She’s not close to her Dad - in fact he is a large part of why she’s anxious.

I am trying to tell her it will work out @pinkdelight - part of her anxiety is she didn’t end up in a flat this year because of an accommodation shortage @Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmersso it’s important to her for it to go right for next year.

So she’s missed out on halls experience. Is halls yr2 an option either uni or private.

She absolutely doesn’t want halls again. She wants to share with others.

All the people signing up now will have been lovebombing each other early doors and will likely all fall out just as fast. Play it cool I say!

Don’t get involved. My DD did join a group in November of her first year - she knew one girl who knew a girl who knew another - but she wasn’t at all happy when they were living together. This year she took a room in a house let out room by room so none of the four knew each other beforehand and she’s much happier. If she runs into them in the kitchen they have a chat but there’s no pressure to be friends. Of course there’s one guy who never washes up after himself (and she wonders how he’s still alive as he leaves food uncovered on the stove for 24 hours then just picks it up and eats it). But otherwise no issues and she doesn’t dread going home like last year.
She has one uni friend really - knows a ton of people but doesn’t really like them. She doesn’t care though - I mean she’d love it if she had more but hadn’t found her people there and just wants to get her work done. She has friends at home.
Tell your DD early days yet (snd I thought they weren’t allowed to sign contracts more than six months from lease starting). There’s always rooms going - people don’t return for whatever reason and needing their tenancy taken over or people need someone to fill a room when looking.

Which uni is she at? Mine is making some friends but fighting anxiety. She would love to meet more people like her and I’m sure they exist in other flats - wish there was a way to get them all together!

My daughter is living at home fir uni, but has struggled with making friends all her life. She ignored my advice to join clubs and societies at the start of term, and really struggled last week when the girl she is friendly with was off. This week however, she asked if she could join two others for lunch, and now has their 'socials', she instigated this, and feels much better this week. I would love so much for her to find her people, she just needs to widen the net.

My DD went through similar in her first two years.
She stayed in Uni Halls for the first year and joined several societies but didn't really connect. She then decided to try and become more involved in the local community, joined the local Karate club, went to watch gigs and sport in the city, even went for a drink in the local Spoons and made loads of friends.
She's still there now after seven years and completing a PHd.
I would encourage your DD to embrace the area she is studying in rather than just trying to engage with other students cos some of them were a pain 40 years ago when I went through it.
Good luck.

Is there a uni website for people looking for flatmates there’s one on my DD’s uni src.
Or make it known she’s looking for a yr2 flatshare - there will be group chats for course, ask at society events etc.
My DD’s yr1 housemate asked her after her initial share fell through.
If you are on a parents of uni group people do advertise room take overs and for additional flatmates.

I’m feeling better reading all your comments, thanks!

It’s nice that she shares with me, but hard when what I say doesn’t seem to offer any comfort!/she rejects my suggestions!!

She’s now saying there was a night out ‘everyone’ else was invited to except her…. she’s really sad.

i don’t know if it’s as bad as she says. Just don’t know what to say to help her.

Hoping to bump this for a few more replies.

She had been pouring her heart out to me - and I just don’t know if I’m being helpful. I try to tell her not everyone will be sorted for housemates, but just get told I’m wrong and they are.

I’m really struggling with hearing all her pain and not feeling I’m helping/having her reject anything I say or suggest. Sometimes I get frustrated with her - which I feel awful about.

She won’t speak to student support or a counsellor. She just wants people she knows to include her.

I don’t know what to do to help her not feel so stressed about everything.

What uni is she at?

They do vary as to how quickly they need to organise houses.

Dd1 was organised by November
dd2 was organised in January/February
Ds was organised the week before he broke up in June.

Now dd1 said that despite the hurry, there were plenty of places, either full houses or individual rooms right the way up until September. Dd2 it was a case of grab quickly and some people ended up way away as the only place they could get... won't say too much about ds' "organisation". 🤣

Does she know any 2nd year students who can help, also worth you phoning a local estate office and asking how much urgency there is. I did that with ds when he was still "it's all okay, stop fussing", in March and they were really helpful and took some of my worry away.

Tbh for dd1's cohort there were a fair number who had fallen out by the beginning of January and were looking for new housemates too! So she may find she gets a nicer group because she hasn't dashed into it.

I can totally understand your frustration. You're not a counsellor and she won't listen to you, just wants to offload a lot and then reject all your suggestions. Really she'd get so much more from a counsellor who would be able to make her see there are things she can control and things she can't and that focusing on these things she can't control - wanting other people to behave certain ways - is just feeding her spiral of upset and anxiety. If she grasps that (from someone she'd listen to) then she'd feel more in control and could make some choices that are within her power.

I know she wants a shared place with friends next year but as that's not within her power right now, it at least parks the issue if she knows she can get a room in a shared flat in private halls, and then knowing that's a decent option takes the edge of this (frankly ridiculous) too early panic about where to live next year which is blighting her current situation and sounds counter-productive in achieving her aims. I've told my DS to wait and see what happens with accom for next year but as above, there's private halls close to campus where he could get a room, and so he's not giving it another thought. Which weirdly makes him more appealing as a potential flatmate for friends as he's pretty chill (ASD so not overly fussed for socialising) and not wanting anything from anyone.

Obviously your DD is wired differently, but given her past and present anxiety, I do think if you're hardline on anything it should be her talking to some proper pro support at the uni whether it's a student counsellor, welfare, mentor or anyone who will have the expertise to help her and who she'd actually have to listen to. The love and care that pours from your posts is what only a mother can give, but it also means she can ignore you and take out her frustrations, making you both more unhappy instead of fixing this in a way that means she can get past it and start enjoying the present a little more.

It's tough though so full sympathies. Can anyone else tell her to talk to someone there - would she listen to her dad or any other relative who could be firmer? Tricky with girls I know, having been one. My DSs are both more straightforward creatures who can still be told what to do for fear of upsetting their mum.

That such great advice@pinkdelight. I’ll tell her about the private flat option.

I know her anxiety is most likely coming across to people she’s trying to build friendships with, in a self-defeating way.

It all started off well - I don’t know what went wrong.

She can’t talk to her Dad easily - we’re separated. He took his moods out on me - and her as an early teen - and I’m sure that is a major part of her issues with connecting with people. She was just a slightly arsey teenager and he used to shout at her all the time.

Our other DD didn’t get anything like the same response from him, even when we found her with weed aged 14.

That’s just even more reason why DD1 should talk to a counsellor. But she’s so against it. I’m really worried.

Ah understood about the dad, don't involve him in it then as he won't help. But if you can somehow balance the warm understanding with a harder line: "You have to talk to a counsellor. This is the email/number/process - contact them now/tomorrow/this week and let me know when you've done it" - make it unequivocal, not optional. She has to, you know, she doesn't, which is why she's in this pickle. It sounds like it'll be helpful in all kinds of ways, because this flatmates thing is just a fixation for bigger feelings and the anxious tendencies, and even when that's sorted there'll be others things, so it's tools for life really and absolutely no harm, shame, or downside in gaining them. I know it's hard, but don't be afraid to be a bit of a nag on it if needs be. You're doing so much listening and sympathising, but everyone has their limits, esp if it's not helping.

Maybe get help for yourself too if you need it. Don't lose yourself in this worry. Good luck and hang on in there. By Christmas it could all be a distant memory and she'll be much happier and acting like it's you who was making a fuss.

@MargaretThursday - it’s finding the people, rather than the property. Even me showing her posts where people talking about initial groups falling through, people finding places in Nov & Dec are dismissed.

@Rainyheart
What I was thinking by contacting the estate agent was not finding a property, but both checking whether people will still be signing for property next term, but also they might have a group who are one short. They may be prepared to keep her on a list, and the groups that are flung together like that can end up just as close as those that start as friends.

I'll never forget the lasagne incident which ended with one flat never speaking again...

WHAT was the lasagne incident @MargaretThursday - do tell, could do with some light relief…

Looking out for groups that need one extra, or the private flats @pinkdelightmentioned are good ideas, and the kind of solutions I keep suggesting. But she’s not open to hearing them right now.

It’s so hard to know how to handle it all. And the fact my XH has such a difficult relationship with her makes it even harder. Feel completely in my own.

@Rainyheart 🤣
if I remember quickly, it was a flat who decided that they would always cook and eat together.
One of them made a huge lasagne, left it cooking and went out. The rest of the flat came home, assumed that was dinner and ate all except her portion. When she arrived home they greeted her with how delicious it was, they'd done all the washing up and her portion was waiting...
Only thing was she hadn't told them that she'd invited friends back that night and had made it for them only. She thought they should have realised because it wasn't her night to cook... but they didn't always keep to that.

They paid for a takeaway for her and friends, bought her flowers, bought her chocolate, wrote apologetic letters and put them under her door, wrote sorry with fairy lights over her door.... and she never spoke to them for the next 2.5 terms before she moved out!

I suspect nowadays that wouldn't happen as they'd have texted her, or she would have texted them. As an interested neighbour I could see both sides. They should have waited for her to come back, so they could check, but it was a genuine accident and they did feel bad about it.

Are there any Discord/WhatsApp groups for her subject or similar that she could put something along the lines of "anyone looking for a housemate. Promise I'm quiet and tidy. Pm me" or something like that. She might well find loads of people in the same position as her - the people who are quiet (and often better flatmates) are, like her, quietly panicking that they won't find anywhere, rather than the loud ones who let everyone know they are in a group.

My DC entered a house share with 3 others for their 2nd year. House was for five people though and so they had to advertise for a fifth person. They had lots of applicants, so please reassure your daughter she’s not alone. Lots of people won’t have plans yet and she has plenty of time. DC and friends were still house hunting well into the spring of their first year. They interviewed a shortlist of applicants and picked one guy who just hadn’t gelled with his current flatmates or coursemates. Best thing they ever did! They became best buddies, still message each other every day several years after graduating and will most likely be friends for life.
And as an aside, they all fell out with one of the other housemates during the second year!

Mine has decided to move to private halls next year less pressure on her. She knows people in a flat in that hall and knows a couple of others moving there. She’s not close enough with anyone she’d want to share a house with and she’s happy with her decision . She know people she can go out with and seems happy enough with that . She also has a friend in Manchester and one in Preston she can visit if she ever needs to get away for the weekend
. she’s not putting pressure on herself and enjoying day by day rather than be stressed about finding her tribe .