DD struggling with friendships

[Rainyheart]

DD has had anxiety in the past, never spoken to a professional - always just been to me. Now she’s in her first term at uni and she’s struggling to establish friendships.

It seemed to be going well at first, she’s getting out and joining societies, trying to make connections.

But people are already forming houseshare groups for next year, and she doesn’t seem to be included. (Not in a flatshare this year so no natural group).

I’m saying it’s early and things will work out, but my heart hurts so much for her. I can see she’s struggling and fear that will come across to people and she might end up isolated/isolating.

I’ve told her I’ve seen posts from other parents whose kids are in similar positions, but I don’t know how involved to get. I don’t want to swoop in - but worried if I don’t help her as well.

Anyone had anything similar?

It's crazy how early the 2nd year housesharing arrangements can kick in now. I know a handful of unis/cities have limited accommodation so unfortunately it has to happen in some places (although it's still okay to wait longer), but feel like that's put the pressure on everywhere and it's really not necessary or wise.

No one is really friends yet in any meaningful way and a lot of these early connections won't work out and could well go pears. I'd tell her that she's in the better position not getting stuck with the wrong people so far and to keep doing what she's doing, going to activities and exploring uni life. There's always rooms that come up all year round and she won't end up without a place to live, even if it's private halls with a whole bunch of other nice people in the same position.

She’ll probably dodge a bullet not signing up so early. Where is she living now. Can she live there yr2?
Mine was in halls yr1, private flat share yr2 and now in private halls yr3 as only needs a semester due to study abroad. It’s been civilised and she’s very happy. Cost wise cheaper than flat share. I’ll be encouraging private halls for her last year.

How would you be able to "swoop in" and help her make friends? Isn't this realistically something she has to do by herself?

I know I can’t make friends for her @Clause1980 - I meant more how much to offer solutions. I’m the one she comes to when she’s feeling like this, and I don’t always know if I say the right thing. Or if she tells me the most negative feelings as a way of getting it out.

She’s not close to her Dad - in fact he is a large part of why she’s anxious.

I am trying to tell her it will work out @pinkdelight - part of her anxiety is she didn’t end up in a flat this year because of an accommodation shortage @Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmersso it’s important to her for it to go right for next year.

So she’s missed out on halls experience. Is halls yr2 an option either uni or private.

She absolutely doesn’t want halls again. She wants to share with others.

All the people signing up now will have been lovebombing each other early doors and will likely all fall out just as fast. Play it cool I say!

Don’t get involved. My DD did join a group in November of her first year - she knew one girl who knew a girl who knew another - but she wasn’t at all happy when they were living together. This year she took a room in a house let out room by room so none of the four knew each other beforehand and she’s much happier. If she runs into them in the kitchen they have a chat but there’s no pressure to be friends. Of course there’s one guy who never washes up after himself (and she wonders how he’s still alive as he leaves food uncovered on the stove for 24 hours then just picks it up and eats it). But otherwise no issues and she doesn’t dread going home like last year.
She has one uni friend really - knows a ton of people but doesn’t really like them. She doesn’t care though - I mean she’d love it if she had more but hadn’t found her people there and just wants to get her work done. She has friends at home.
Tell your DD early days yet (snd I thought they weren’t allowed to sign contracts more than six months from lease starting). There’s always rooms going - people don’t return for whatever reason and needing their tenancy taken over or people need someone to fill a room when looking.

Which uni is she at? Mine is making some friends but fighting anxiety. She would love to meet more people like her and I’m sure they exist in other flats - wish there was a way to get them all together!

My daughter is living at home fir uni, but has struggled with making friends all her life. She ignored my advice to join clubs and societies at the start of term, and really struggled last week when the girl she is friendly with was off. This week however, she asked if she could join two others for lunch, and now has their 'socials', she instigated this, and feels much better this week. I would love so much for her to find her people, she just needs to widen the net.

My DD went through similar in her first two years.
She stayed in Uni Halls for the first year and joined several societies but didn't really connect. She then decided to try and become more involved in the local community, joined the local Karate club, went to watch gigs and sport in the city, even went for a drink in the local Spoons and made loads of friends.
She's still there now after seven years and completing a PHd.
I would encourage your DD to embrace the area she is studying in rather than just trying to engage with other students cos some of them were a pain 40 years ago when I went through it.
Good luck.

Is there a uni website for people looking for flatmates there’s one on my DD’s uni src.
Or make it known she’s looking for a yr2 flatshare - there will be group chats for course, ask at society events etc.
My DD’s yr1 housemate asked her after her initial share fell through.
If you are on a parents of uni group people do advertise room take overs and for additional flatmates.

I’m feeling better reading all your comments, thanks!

It’s nice that she shares with me, but hard when what I say doesn’t seem to offer any comfort!/she rejects my suggestions!!

She’s now saying there was a night out ‘everyone’ else was invited to except her…. she’s really sad.

i don’t know if it’s as bad as she says. Just don’t know what to say to help her.