Safeguarding Women at Uni

[PTown]

In the wake of the Bath Rugby Team allegations (not to mention the Cornell news Stateside), I’m wondering how we empower our DDs to best safeguard and protect themselves.

I know there was lots of PSHE work on this topic at school, eg showing the “Consent is Like Tea” video (available on YouTube—I highly recommend it). DD can articulate consent very well—the issue isn’t her knowledge of consent, it’s down to the sexual predators and their choices.

My brain is a whirlwind of mush ATM. DH says we should advise her not to drink, but that seems sexist and unfair—boys can drink, but girls can’t? I don’t know what I’m asking really—maybe just for guidance on how to advise her to keep
safe? I pointed out to DD that the Cornell victim got separated from her friends and went to the house on her own, and reiterated that she needs to stick with her friends and keep an eye out that her friends don’t wander off as well. At the same time, I don’t want her to be overcome with fear re: boys. It’s a careful balance of fun v risk v impaired judgement. Are there good resources out there to read/watch?

it is really tough. I have always modelled making sure everyone gets home safe - even males!! DD has just gone to uni and I have told her to take a taxi if she needs to go somewhere alone rather than walk. During the day her walk to Uni from her halls is 20min along a wooded river path so again have iterated either walk the long way round by road or get the bus.

We have a family uber account and say please get uber home if needed no questions asked.

What happened at Cornell was unspeakable. It also really speaks to the fact that male violence against women is a problem that men also should be speaking out against and trying to solve; not just a problem for women to fix.

I agree you don't want your DD to become afraid of all men. I have many fabulous male relatives, friends and colleagues (as well as DH, of course!) with whom I feel totally safe, as I'm sure do most women. There are plenty of very safe and appropriate men around.

That said, I think there are some general pointers to follow.

I think it's reasonable to advise all young people to avoid drinking to the point of incapacity but I agree that our DDs shouldn't be prevented from drinking altogether just because of what a predatory man might do.

I have taught my DDs that it is, in fact, okay to be unfriendly; they are not obliged to be polite and friendly to a man unless they want to be and they can change their minds on that at any point. They are now young adults but I taught them this when they were young teens: random adult men generally do not need help from teenage girls and, if any men ever asked for their help, they should tell them to ask another adult.

When moving around late at night, be alert and focussed outwards; have your keys easily to hand. Don't look distracted or have your head in your phone.

Not so much something for your daughter but I think men (young and old) need to be educated in the fact that fight and flight is really a male reaction. If it comes to a physical contest between a man and a woman, a woman is very unlikely to be able to outfight or outrun a man. This is why a women who feels in danger from a man is more likely to "freeze and friend/fawn" i.e. try to keep herself safe by being nice to the man she feels threatened by. This can of course include going through with a sex act that the woman would have preferred to avoid because it feels safer in the moment to comply. This really should be better understood.

I’m wondering how we empower our DDs to best safeguard and protect themselves.

I think it's parents of boys who need to do the work with their sons.

Girls are taught from a very early age what we need to do - or more usually what we shouldn't do.

How about teaching sons not to be sexist pricks? That'd be a start ...

We have just done this for both dds. I have also told my DDs not to drink at all preferably, or if they really want to drink to just drink a small amount, if out at a club or bar etc. To make sure they also keep an eye on friends and never to let a friend leave somewhere drunk and alone, or alone very late at night or when it’s quiet. To not be too trusting.
It’s so stressful.

Thanks. Some really good points here. I’ve also said to my DD, “Don’t be polite to men who creep you out. You don’t ‘owe’ kindness to creepy men.” And the same about men approaching teen girls for directions, etc.

The one thing that really made my heart sink (apart from the gang rape obviously) about the Cornell case was that the initial perpetrator was a “friend”. It made me think back to my friend who walked me home one night when I was completely drunk at uni. We trust our friends, and it’s good to have male friends. But for a “friend” to gang rape you and invite his friends upstairs for “free pussy” is unthinkable. He wasn’t a random creep on the street—he was a friend.

I agree with this 100%, but it’s clearly not working.

DD's uni has a compulsory "consent training" course they all have to do in the first week. I'm sure most of them had seen the cup of tea video before! I think the uni wants to be sure that nobody can plead ignorance of what is acceptable behaviour. There was stuff about what to do if you observed something untoward going on, too.

That’s exactly what I thought the case was—that they’ve all learned consent from school and beyond. So what the hell has happened with these Bath Rugby blokes? Why did they formulate this plan (allegedly) after receiving so much info on consent?

"So the hell has happened with these Bath Rugby blokes? Why did they formulate this plan (allegedly) after receiving so much info on consent?"

@PTown - it is horrifying as is the fact that, at Cornell, it was purportedly a friend. In fact, disturbing as it is, a woman is much more likely to be harmed by a man whom she knows than one whom she doesn't. Ultimately, there are some men whose level of entitlement is so profound and whose sense of women as lesser beings/not quite human is so engrained, that they can go through all this training and the penny doesn't really seem to drop.

What we need is men teaching other men and shaming other men about this stuff - recognising that male violence against women is a male problem (for which women suffer) and a problem which men have responsibility to solve.

My elder DD at 6th form knew a lad (not a friend but a fellow student) who was pleasant enough when sober but could became quite inappropriate when drunk. One good thing was that his male friends took absolute responsibility for dealing with him - both stopping him drinking when they could and, if that failed, removing him from wherever they were. They saw his behaviour as a male problem and for the young men to address.

There are some excellent points here.

One of the most powerful ones points above. is teaching young women that they owe no one their politeness or fawning. There is so much pressure on women not to make a fuss. We have practised assertive phrases and moving away. And DD’s have seen me use these phrases in public (and used them themselves to support friends.)

And my girls have both done a couple of day’s Krav Maga training before they started sixth form, then again when off to uni. Yes, it’s handy to know you can break a kneecap if you need to, but a lot of that time is spent learning how to make a fuss- especially shouting, so that it comes more easily if you need to use it in defence. I wish they had no need but I’m glad they have the skills.

@PTown maybe the consent training doesn’t really work on some people in the way unconscious bias training is not effective? If it’s not part of your internal value system, I think it can sometimes reinforce certain beliefs in some people. And sadly a group of young men with weak moral compasses then hunt as a pack. This is why parents need to discuss this as much with their sons as their daughters.

I agree @PTown and my response was a bit flip - annoyances from other things intruded.

But I've been thinking more & properly - in part sparked by Meghan Murphy's discussion of the "Cornell 7" and issues around sexual behaviour of young people today and in the past. Murphy started "Feminist Current" and was famously banned from Twitter for calling a man a man. Her feminist position has moved somewhat as a result of the "woke" transactivist agenda taking over feminism.

But her conversation with Jenny Holland is very thought-provoking

What it made me think about is that we need to empower young women to say "No" and not to mock them if they are prudes (I'm naturally pretty private & that can lead to accusations of prudishness). Murphy & Holland talk about sex as a pleasurable activity, and the way that young women can say "no" or even "Hell, no" to the sexual extremes that are becoming normalised by porn (eg. strangulation, anal sex, threesomes).

It's saying "No" and then being able to cope with the flack from that - the potential for mockery & gossip & so on.

The other conversation that made me think about how we can actually help young women was Megan Daum's conversation with Sarah Hepola - again, they discussed the necessity for women to set boundaries in sexual matters, without feeling that they are doing something wrong.

This is just to expand on @HerissonCache 's excellent post.

This is a pessimistic opinion but I think there’s value in teaching what to do when things go wrong - does the uni have a SafeZone app or similar, self defence as a PP said, modelling those situations where you’ve had too much to drink, you’ve gotten lost, you’ve took drugs and feel a bit whacky. Because as sad as it is, it’s luck of the draw whether it happens to you or not. You can do all the ‘right’ things and still be a victim. So to me, there’s value in empowering young women to realise it’s happening and give them some ideas on what to do to try and flip it around.

Encouraging really open and honest conversations - not just so they can tell you if something happened, but also so they can discuss things they aren’t sure about.