DC struggling to make friends at university

[Rain456]

DC started uni last week and is struggling to make friends. Says their flat mates are all doing their own things (seem to have come with friends from home). DC going to the events on offer but mainly on their own. DC is generally very confident and sociable. Any advice?

As well as the general events open to all freshers, have they joined any clubs or societies, eg sport, music etc? Lectures will start this week and they'll also have the opportunity to meet people on their course.

That's a real shame. I would advise they try to make friends on their course and they could also suggest a flat night out, maybe the others find it difficult to socialise so are sticking with what they know out of comfort. Also join some clubs.

It take a lot longer than a week but can feel frustrating. Is there a hobby or activity or exercise he has been wanting to take up? I think clubs are a very good way to meet people, as are courses. Sometimes flat-mates are just that, flat-mates and you have to look outside for friends. My dd didn't get on with her flat-mates particularly as they are just randomly placed there, but found friends in sports clubs. It did take a while though.

It takes longer than a week to build friendships! In my experience people didn't cement proper friendships til after Xmas. In the meantime can they join clubs/societies etc? I wasn't friendly with any of my flatmates but I still had friends. It takes time to find your tribe. Please reassure them that this is normal, they will get there and there will be many others feeling similarly

Tell her to give it time.
Remind her to do the things she enjoys and friends will appear naturally.

Remind them it's only been a week and that making friends takes time. It takes even more time as an adult post University.

Yeh I would echo the others – suggest they join a club or society. Not only will it help with making friends, it's also good to have an outlet that's not just generic going out.

DD was in a band, DS2 played a sport which really gave him a social life, flatmates, responsibilities. Do they do any sport, enjoy something – surf club, reading group, social media for a society, volunteering, union politics, drama – there are so many opportunities. Plus it gives a focus to the week if there is training on Tuesday night and a match on Saturday (or whatever).

I empathise as my dd is in the same position. Flat of 2 boys who have a massive network from home and 2 very quiet girls who barely leave their room. Dd feels as if other flats are more sociable and are having nights out/ bonding etc and feels she is missing out.

I think so many people go to uni now that most kids know people from school: home town when they get there and therefore already have a network. It can seem as if everyone is sorted.

Ive just emphasised that the best friendships happen slowly and gradually and to make an effort with people from the sport she plays and her course from this week. Its heartbreaking though to see my sociable, funny daughter struggle. It’s also possible that these flats where everyone appears to get on implode in a month or so when they’ve rushed these intense friendships based on getting hammered in freshers week.

It's really not outing to say your DC's sex, you know!

Tell "them" to be patient; Rome wasn't built in a day and this is probably the first time they've had to build all their friendships from scratch since they were four or five.

If there's normally no issues with friendships and they're reasonably sociable then it will happen, especially once lectures kick off.

DS did make one good friend through their accommodation but like others have said, even this took time. He made more through his course and is now in a house with a few of those.

I can’t reiterate enough that it can take much longer than a week. I met my BF through work and after a week I really didn’t like her, you can realise you’ve misjudged people of you give it time

She can pop over to the party flats and then go back to her quieter flat. Also, some quieter people take a while to get going but can turn out amazing friends. It can take ages to get to know someone properly. But it's not that surprising five random people don't just all gel. And, yes, the party flats will implode!

Definitely takes longer than a week.

It's good that they are confident enough to go to things on their own - they need to go to clubs and societies that take their fancy. Everyone is in the same boat and wanting to make friends. Also make a point of chatting to course mates at lectures etc, suggesting meeting for coffee afterwards etc.

I think you hear lots of about everyone making BFFs with their uni flat but not so much about those who find their flat mates perfectly pleasant but don't really get to know them beyond occasional kitchen chats.

It will be better when DC starts their course and gets to know people there.
When you arrive you are just lumped in with randoms who you may or may not get on with. The people on my corridor in first year were awful. I also hated the first week when everyone was partying and drinking (and that wasn't really my scene) and I felt like I had nothing in common with anyone.

I made my lifelong friends in the second year of my course when we were all in the same group in labs. One of them I'd met in my first year (also through labs) and he and I joined up with a group of three as time went on.
It takes time for friendships to crystallize and to really meet people who are on your wavelength.

Just tell DC to hang in there, to get chatting to people in lectures/seminars/labs and to join 2 or 3 societies he is interested in. Easier to meet people there who have something in common.

Week one is always a massive, awkward blur, so tell your DC not to panic. Those flatmates clinging to friends from home are actually missing out on meeting new people, and your DC's natural charm will shine through once the dust settles. Instead of forcing those loud, lonely freshers' events, suggest they drop into a couple of smaller, niche clubs where people actually have to talk while doing an activity. Just be their soft place to land when they vent, send them a little coffee money, and remind them that real friendships take a solid month to actually take root.

It's only been a week! Give it time.

Yes - I think it’s the massive groups of friends from home that’s disconcerting. Really hard to join in if everyone near you is already in an established group. Seems a little unfair and perhaps something universities need to consider going forward.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to post- really appreciate it!

How on earth would they do that?

It’s hard . Mine is going out , she’s joined the art society and karaoke society and wants to join something else. She’s met people on her course and her flat mates are nice and she gets on really well with one but they’re not her home friends who are all at different unis and in pairs or threes most of them . Watching them post on social media having fun and meet new people ‘together’ I think affects her when she gets homesick at night as she then feels alone . I’ve told her it takes a while for new people to feel like friends. She’s known her home friends for years , some since she was 4 ! That said there will be lots of students in the same boat . They just need to keep putting themselves out there.
She’s visiting some friends this weekend so that’s something to look forwards to !

How would unis do that ? Besides its normal in every uni , some students go alone like muy daughter and some with friends .my daughters friends who have gone together have been inclusive of others.

I’d encourage her to look at list of societies and their instagram. There’s 300 societies at uni my dd is at. There’s a few with coffee meet ups or short walks this week. With societies people often think of sports etc but there’s lots at DD’s uni like coffee society, baking, brunch, walking that do very low key things. The baking society was turn up with something to share 4pm on a Sunday.
As for big groups from home people do tend to cling to people they know at first. They won’t all know each other.

My DD was at uni in 2020 and forced to socialise inside with her flatmates for her first year as they were her bubble. She lived with them again in Year 2 but didn't ultimately end up staying friends with them. She found her "real" people through her course, but that took time.
Second child never gelled at all with their flatmates and socialised outside the flat with others - a mixture of flat neighbours and coursemates along with their wider circles.

DD didn’t get on with any of her flatmates last year, they were all v messy and went out every night clubbing during freshers week (and beyond)

She met her friends through her course, debating society and badminton. She too was a bit upset as school friends clearly had met some lovely flatmates and were socialising but she picked herself up and now has a number of groups of great friends and a brilliant houseshare.

It took me a few weeks to meet friends and my best friends now aren’t the ones I had in my first few weeks at uni.

I remember when I went to uni and two weeks in I’d made no friends because my flatmates were sky quiet types and I loved going out etc and was very sociable. I remember hearing a flat party going on and crying in my room thinking I’d missed my chance!
I joined group chats for the block of flats and if someone put a party in and I just went for it. Ended up with friends for life! But it took a couple of months.