Starting University Worries

[Lapsedrunner124]

I’m worrying excessively about everything related to dd starting university.

1. she won’t cope with the course and will fail.
2. she won’t get a job at the end
3. the debt
4. finding the money to give her at least £500 a month
5. fitting in sport with a full on timetable
6. breaking up with her bf and then being inconsolable

I know I’m being a cliche anxious mother but I’m a mess.

Is DD your first child to go to university? And is there any particular reason you’re worrying about her not coping?

Yes, first and only child.

She didn’t do as well in her A Levels as she hoped and got BBD. The D is in the subject she has chosen to do a degree in. It’s a science as well which I know is hard. I’m a bit of a mess to be honest.

Where is she going @Lapsedrunner124 ? I presume the uni is happy with the D and thinks she will cope with the work – was the grade a surprise? As in, did she expect (and did her teachers expect) a higher mark?

Finding the money is a big one for you obviously. What is the plan?

Other than that I think the things you mention are factors for her to cope with. yes she may hit some bumps in the road but that's life and now's the time to start coping with it. Sorry that sounds harsh – what I mean is, in the relatively safe environment of a uni, it's a good time to find out what kind of person you are and what you can cope with.

DS did a science degree and there was lots of lab work; but he was also very active in his sport throughout his uni time and it was all fine. He surprised me actually by his ability to be independent and organise things (like a holiday summer job away) for himself.

I think the anticipation is worse than the actual event. When DD1 went to university in 2017 I wondered how I/we would cope. After the first day or so, we settled into the new normal. We saw her a month later and she was enjoying it so much that I stopped worrying.

Yes there were blips, but they are adults now and learning how to deal with them is a big part of growing up. When DD2 went in 2019, that was more odd because it was just 2 of us at home again, for the first time in 20 years.

Now both are settling into their careers and we don’t see them much at all. We WhatsApp and send stupid memes. We’ll watch something like Bake-Off and message throughout, so it’s still a family activity, albeit a scattered one.

If your DD is ready for uni, you’ve done a great job. Enjoy having her at home then plan some treats for both of you so you have something to look forward to.

Liverpool Uni for Biology. She was hoping for a B.

If she got a D in the subject she wants to study has she definitely got a place? Sorry but a lot of universities would expect higher in the subject to be studied.
Could you be worrying about nothing? Although not having a place would be a whole other issue - I hope everything works out for the best!

Yes, she definitely has a place.

University is hard. Leaving home is hard. Figuring things out out by themselves is hard. But you can’t make it harder by letting her know you have all these concerns (and you may think you are hiding it but you probably aren’t doing as good a job as you think). You have to trust that the last 18 years you have brought up a woman who will manage. Uni is like a halfway house - not at home but not out in the ‘real world’. There’s student halls, student support and a financial net. Their day is scheduled for them. They just have to show up and do the work, figure out how to budget a bit, and try and make some friends.
Your daughter may fly. Give her credit. Sure she’ll probably call you in tears a couple weeks in saying she wants to come home - mine did, and she also had a bigger wobble at Christmas. But she stuck it out and has done amazing things, and has just returned from a six week internship in Columbia.
Of course she’ll miss you and knows you’ll miss her. But you really do have to let her go through it all; the broken heart, the workload, the growing independence. It can be scary but she won’t become an adult without getting herself in difficulty at some point. Be supportive but don’t try to ease her journey too much. She’s be all the better for doing it herself. And if it all collapses? You’ll help her pick up the pieces and try something else.

As others have said, some or all of those things may happen - life isn’t easy and for me, the hardest thing about having children is watching them go through hard things and not being able to rescue them. But the big thing I’ve learned so far (my two are 22 and 20) is that they can get through the hard stuff and grow/learn coping mechanisms.

Dd has had three painful break ups over the last three years for example and I’ve cried lots too - but she’s learned some really valuable lessons that i hope will help her in the future. She also struggled academically, and with deadlines, and got some low marks in years one and two but she’s just graduated with a 2:1 in her integrated masters.

Be there for your dd - we’re so lucky to be able to contact them so easily - and encourage her with every challenge she faces and she will be ok!

It’s an anxious time.
Control what you can.
I fully kitted out and stocked DD up shopping wise. I don’t think she bought pasta all year…
Encourage her to attend all academic sessions. There’s usually general sessions not just course related eg how to use library, referencing, academic writing etc. make sure she knows who tutor is and how to contact.
Keep in contact mine will snap chat me.
Just let her know you are there for support.

I did sciences at uni, she will have more free time than you think, some days are full on but other days you many only have 1 or 2 lectures. I was able to pursue hobbies, get a part time job and still attend all lectures. Once she has her time table she will be able to organise her time to do her sports and also get a part time job to help towards the £500 a month you feel you need to raise

University is hard. Leaving home is hard. Figuring things out out by themselves is hard. But you can’t make it harder by letting her know you have all these concerns (and you may think you are hiding it but you probably aren’t doing as good a job as you think).

This.

What evidence do you have that your DD will mess up in the way you anticipate? Be really careful that your (probably unnecessary) anxiety is not communicated to your DD - although I suspect that horse has bolted.

Think back to what you were like at 18. How did you mess up? Sadly, we have to watch those we love the most mess up. It's all part of her separation from you.

Please try to get a grip, because I often see from my personal tutees that struggling students are having to manage their parents' behaviours and feelings, as well as their own. THis isn't fair to the young person. You need to get on with your life so she can get on with hers. That's what parents have to do, painful as it might feel.

You should be proud she's worked hard and achieved a place at uniersity - don't undermine her!

She'll have a fantastic time! Liverpool is a very good university & a great city for students.

And look at this way: she may be a slow burner late-developer in her chosen subject. If she loves biology and works hard, she'll cope. Please try to be proud for her, and positive for her. As an academic tutor, I can tell you from 35 years' experience, it really makes a difference.

Thank you for such kind (and wise) words.

1. this doesn’t happen often. People usually realise early it’s not for them and drop out and get a job or change courses.
2. that’s at least 3 years in the future. No need to worry about that (and by then she’ll be an adult who will hopefully future it out).
3. It’ll be fine. She’ll just pay in line with repayment requirements
4. can she work to support this?
5. she’ll either do this or she won’t. That’s up to her. If the really wants to do sport she’ll manage it (I did on top or a nursing setter and a job)
6. She’ll have relationship breakdowns. That’s just life. Some will hit her hard, some won’t. Just be there for her.

I'm the same @Lapsedrunner124 and she's not even my first at uni! But she's very quiet and "quirky", on the waitlist for ASD assessment - 4 years on CAMHS, moved to adult list when she turned 18. She has found a brilliant bunch of similar friends at school and has done so well socially and academically. I'm so worried she will be picked on and bullied at uni once she loses that supportive network. She also got an offer for a super competitive course that has a waitlist but missed one of her subjects by one grade. I was fully prepared to go into begging mode but UCAS said they gave her a place anyway. She even called the uni to confirm. But same as you, I'm worried that she is going to be on a course with straight A students and not be able to keep up. I have to trust the uni saw something in her during interviews and the other tests she had to sit and feel she can do it. I think the worry is more about me than her but it's hard not to freak out! I agree with the PPs, we have to let them work it out for themselves and not let our anxieties affect them. I like Liverpool too, it's a brilliant city!

One of the great things is actually "letting go" of the school type day so day worries. They will be fine. We had a bit of empty nest for a few weeks then got used to it.

The debt is only paid when earning, so ignore that. I graduated to shop work, so ignore that hypothetical worry as well.

Your food bill will go down a bit so that helps. Also maybe less petrol for ferrying about.

I went to Liverpool as well last century

I'm a senior lecturer at a post 92 uni where we are lowish tariff in many courses.

I've seen high flyers and strugglers for all sorts of reasons. High flyers can burn out and wobble and low entry students can improve and do really well by y3.

I have some students who scrape through academically however I genuinely do not think it is a waste of time for them (unless they put no effort in). I have one or two just now who have their struggles for all sorts of reasons, they're not going to get a first or even a 2:1. They are resitting modules and one or two retaking the year BUT.... I see them develop as people. They're maturing and learning to work with others, to communicate and overcome barriers.

Despite the narrative in the press, I see value in education and in going to university for many young people. It's not right for all of course but I think some flourish even if not academically. They have a chance to develop self esteem, self confidence, mix with different people and have experiences they would never have an opportunity to do so otherwise.

She'll be ok. Try not to pass your anxiety on to her.

@Hapagirl48 maybe my students are especially lovely but I have never seen anyone be bullied on my course...well apart from me once perhaps...ha ..but they came good in the end. Generally I see a lot of kindness and peer support.

That D was only how she tested on those days. If she was predicted a B it's likely that's based on her actual knowledge of the subject, as witnessed by her teacher(s). She will be absolutely fine. I hope she enjoys it.

All of the things that you list, OP, can be dealt with. The reality is that your child will almost certainly be fine but, if she isn't, then she will work it out. This is the time when she learns to be an adult, makes friends for life and realises that she doesn't need her parent(s) to sort things out for her.
I hope you'll be able to back off and let her make her own mistakes because, otherwise, you will be letting her down. If she's bright enough to get into university, she's bright enough to cope - just like we all did (& back in the days when our parents didn't have a clue what we were doing!).

I went to Liverpool in 1983 and loved it so much that I never left!

Stop worrying about things you can’t control. It’s up to the to do the work and ask for help. Universities have student suport centres if she struggles and if they are taking her with a D they will probably be running some basic courses at the start of term.You can’t control her love affair and breaking up is, I’m afraid, part of growing up. You’ve brought her up so presumably you know how capable she is. She isn’t going down the Amazon with a paddle - she’s going to university in a city in the UK along with thousands of other young people.

She will no doubt have a great time. The only one you need to actually worry about is the £500 a month.

None of your worries is unreasonable. The only one you have any control over is the money you will be paying her each month. Could you prime yourself to focus just on that one and dismiss the others when they intrude? The ball is in her court on all the others. But the only one that's certain is the debt. The others may not happen at all.

Based on my only DD going to university in 2021, I would say that what would be good for your DD would be her feeling your confidence in her ability to navigate whatever comes her way, with occasional advice from you when she requests it.

Think too of all the excitement ahead for her - new friends, clubs (both kinds), a new city full of friendly people (I love Liverpool and love Liverpudlians), and studying a subject she loves full time (employers will only be interested in her degree, not her a levels).