Very straight, not very sociable DS worried about going to university

[catwoo]

He has just finished Y11 and the reality that he will be leaving home in a year is starting to hit. He really isn't a party animal at all, he has a small group of friends at school who he occasionally does things with out of school such as theme parks,playing badminton etc but he has no interest at all in pubbing /clubbing or boozing. He is worried he will just be sat in his room and not have anyone to speak to all weekend.
he is not bullied at school and nobody didlikes him but he is the kind of person people don't notice.One girl apparently said to him at the end of last term ' oh xxx, I never realised you were in our maths set' after 8 periods per week for 3 terms!!

dislikes not didlikes

H e is hoping to do engineering at Durham

There will be 50% of kids just like him. The only reason why people think its all parties, socializing or drinking is that is the side that is talked about (not much fun talking about staying up late reading!). He really shouldn't be worried. He will make friends, be contented with university and thrive in his own environment.

He'll be fine - university has all sorts to appeal to all kinds of characters. I'm sure he'll do brilliantly.

That sounds like both me and my brother. We both made friends, all just as 'boring' as us. My mates were all computer geeks, my brothers mates were maths geeks, none of us did the whole partying thing. I don't think I met very many students who did much partying/boozing tbh.

There are many activity clubs at university - it's not all about drinking!! During freshers week he can go along and check out all the various clubs from chess, badminton to fair trade to various cultural clubs etc. you don't need to be a drunkard at university to have friends.

And I think there will be plenty other equally worried students so he won't be the only one.

Maybe take a virtual tour of the campus and of the student union pages and see what's available?

Introvertism is the new extrovertism on MN this evening, dontcha know?
Have a read of 'Quiet' (or get DS to, if you think he'll be interested), or have a look at what Dorothy Rowe has to say about introverts/extroverts.
As long as he can live somewhere where he's not obliged to join in with loud uni larks, and as long as he understands that there's a world of difference between being self-sufficient and being anti-social, he should be fine.
He needs to be secure in himself - being someone who's rampantly 'up for it' all the time is not a route to happiness, and in his heart he probably knows this. The poor kid's probably freaked out by commercial culture that tries to drum it into all of us that unless we're out spending money all the time then we're weird, failing, loners. Have a talk to hime about that (and he'll probably end up the coolest kid in class... )

My DS went to Durham and, like most unis, there is a huge range of personalities there. He will have to make an effort in freshers week to meet people but I'm sure there will be others there with similar interests and personalities.

Be aware that at Durham you have to pick a college so make sure he gets advice to pick the right one.

I'm at Durham uni :) Loads of geeks there but I'm an old local student so don't get too involved in 'student life'.
My DS had just finished year 11 and sounds exactly like yours. His prom aside, he's never been to a party, he doesn't drink, he has some nice friends but they rarely meet up.
I worry but he seems happy and I guess he'll make his way in life. If they have friends at school then they are doing ok and we'll never have to worry about them throwing parties when we're away :)

Durham a good choice( I was at Durham) a smaller university with very able students. In general it seems to me that they have a higher number of students like your ds than some of the more party animal unis. I second advice about choice of college, of ds friends going to Durham this year they are all at the "more conventional "end of the social spectrum if you see what I mean , as were dh and I if I am honest. Not for nothing does Durham turn out a higher proportion of accountants than any other university!

Find out about societies where he can meet people purposefully IYSWIM, not just out on the lash. I know for example several who have taken up rowing at Durham, a couple of whom have become very good at it; there will be loads of others, something will appeal to him.

Surprising him with offers to pay a rail fare to pop home for weekends might help - perhaps not in the early weeks as you want him to settle there if he possibly can. But if he really doesn't, this might be a way of keeping him on an even keel during bad bits.

As others have said, uni isn't entirely about going out on the lash. Yes, freshers week primarily revolves around that, but there is a fairly valid argument that he should knock the pubbing / clubbing bit before he's tried it, and that he should get out there for that week, just so that he meets people.

There are also, of course, societies that he can join whose activities centre around more wholesome activities. There will be a badminton society, and Durham is particularly well known for its rowing, which it does at both collegiate and university level. Of course, there will be alcohol fuelled socials, but that's not every week and his presence (other than at initiation - which is usually fairly tame in the UK) won't be compulsory.

I went to a night club once in 7 years as a student and hated it.

The rest of the time I spent drinking coffee and chatting to like minded geeks in the Guild or our our flats.

Occasionally, if it was cloudy the astronomy society would find a quiet, student free country pub to meet in.

Partying really is optional.

Y11 or Y12 OP? Is he about to apply or has he got one more year - a lot can change in a year.

Durham is probably ideal for someone like your DS. The system there makes it a little more intimate. Shy or more inhibited students are slightly less likely to get lost. The system for college application changed for entry in 2011 so that the allocation is rather more fluid than it was, but college does matter (colleges at Durham are somewhere between Oxbridge colleges and other universities' halls of residence, but do have an identity and provide a network and social nucleus of their own). I personally think that a reticent engineer would do well to opt for a college on the peninsula, which means he has to walk up to the science site for lectures and classes each day and can't just scurry two minutes from his room to the science site. The simple daily ritual of walking up and back twice a day will mean he interacts with more people. Probably avoid an application to University College as he's almost bound to be re-allocated, which of course makes a nonsense of 'choice'.

Hope some of that helps; apologies if you know Durham and all that already!