What relationship status do most undergraduates have when they start uni? In one/not in one/never been in one...

[thishalfterm]

Ds has just started a relationship with a girl who is likely to go to the same uni. He is pleased at that prospect. I think they will both have a helpmate/comfort blanket in each other (assuming it lasts that long), but I have been warned by other mums that it would be a shame if they just cling to one another like babes in the wood at the expense of making other friends.

I do know it's up to them, etc etc, but something one friend said made me wonder whether other students starting uni will largely have partners - presumably mainly at home or at other unis - or be relationship-free.

Any thoughts? I'm not planning to interfere, but I thought it would be an interesting discussion/thread for comparing notes.

DD2 is in her first year at university and has a boyfriend that she has been with for over a year at a different university. I try not to interfere but I'm not sure how well its going. Quite a few of her friends from sixth form who have gone to a different university as their boyfriend/girlfriend have now split up. DD1(20) didn't have a boyfriend when she started but she is now in a fairly serious relationship with a boy who is on the same course as her which seems to be surviving her studying abroad this year.

DD1 was in the same block in her first year as a girl who had two very close friends from her old school at university with her. They agreed not to contact each other for the first two weeks to give them a chance to make new friends rather than just sticking with each other. I think that worked out really well because she ended up having her own new friends and meeting her friends new friends as well (if you see what I mean!).

DS1 (now 24) went to a different university to his GF who he started going out with when they were 17. He was in a Midlands university and she was in SW Engand.
They probably saw each other 3 times a term, once at each others unis and coming home once a term on the same weekend. Of course saw each other lots in the holidays. Their relationship lasted almost 6 years but ran out of steam really. The good thing was DS1 had a fab time at uni sharing a house with mates and doing all the things lads do. Now shares a flat in London with 2 of his old uni housemates.
DS2 has gone to uni single and is still single, but again having the sort of time he should be as a carefree (except for the workload) youngster. He had a room in halls last year next to a female medical student who had come to the same university as her BF (he was not a medic) but these 2 both purposefully moved into different halls so that they could make new but different friends, which I thought was a brilliant idea. This girl would often be out with her hall friends and on other occasions would see her BF, or mix them all together. She definitely had the right idea.

Thanks, webwiz. It's what you describe in your second para which I think could be an issue. Sounds like those three friends found a really good solution: you'd hope for a friend multiplier effect, rather than a shutdown.

Yes, Bearcat, sounds like that medic had the right idea, too.

DD1 and DD2 started uni last September.

DD1 had a gap year and wasn't in a relationship. She made loads of friends by just 'hanging out'. She has now got a BF and they seem quite serious. Wouldn't surprise me if it is (but what do I know!).

DD2 was very serious with a boy at another 6th form and they had been together throughout the two years. They mutually split at Christmas. The pressure during term meant that it was very hard for one of them to travel at week ends,although they tried their best. The Christmas hols were awful and I was quite upset saying goodbye to the lovely 'now ex'.

Now DD2 has started this term 'unencumbered' I feel that she is only now making the friends that she should have done last term. She is now widening her horizons so much. Making more advantage of where she is studying,socially and culturally.

Oh DD1 is sooo independent,especially after her 'gap'.

DD2 and her ex went to separate unis more than 280 miles apart....didn't help did it!

"Unencumbered" - yes, that is an interesting term. Always one party needs the relationship more than the other; but they will be more hurt by the split.

I went to university in a relationship - had been with my BF since lower VI. I married him at the end of my degree (we went to different universities and saw each other 2/3 times a term and did not ring at all - was before mobile phones). We are very happily married now nearly 20 years later.

Of all my friends at uni and those from home who went to university I only know of us and one other couople who stayed together throughout our degrees. I'm glad I was at a different university, gave me chance to make lots of other friends.

Met dh in my first year at Uni and we are together 19 years later (married for 10, 4 dcs) including surviving me going home to Northern Ireland for 18 mths after I graduated (trying to pay some debts off while living at the hotel of mum and dad )

can be done but depends on how strong the relationship is - if anything I would say that if it survives uni it will prob survive anything!

I met my DH in 6th form and we went to different unis. 32 years later.....

By encumberance I mean the expectations of texting all the time,facebook or skype. It can be total pain in the a**e.

Go back to no mobiles etc - they might have survived.

Odd

My DS had been with a girl since they met at 6th form college. There have been a few problems in the relationship but they both applied to the same Unis (different courses) but as he didn't get an offer for his course, he went through clearing just to get there!

They wanted to "be together" and got a cold top floor hovel flat in September. He came home at Xmas to say he hated the course and wanted to leave Uni. No problem he can get himself a job. But now a month later they have split up, we're having to sort out the flat and bills etc whilst he is rudderless on all fronts :(

We tried to get them to go into halls or a shared house but they wouldn't as in theory it was cheaper for them to get a flat. I really wished we had pushed for that now as it would have been easier all round

I started university single and met my husband there.

My BIL started going out with my SIL in sixth form and they stayed together throughout university (at different universities), they married shortly after they finished. My PIL did a similar thing.

None of my friends from school are with their boyfriends from school now though. They all split up at university.

I'm afraid I agree with the other mums!

It's better I think if they can launch fully into their university experience, even if it's likely to last between them, and not be playing couples at a time they should be widening their horizons. There are however many different ways of living your life and who's to say that any way is wrong? I think you may need to warn your DS that he and his GF might change a lot during their first year and that the relationship might very well not last so that he's prepared.

I would certainly recommend that they do not live together at university!

When I started uni (not so very long ago!) there were 5 girls in halls who were in long distance relationships. Two of us have now married their significant others, one couple are very serious about each other and trying to fit their lives together and two fizzled out.

A lot of friends did end their relationships prior to starting university. I can see the sense in that and did think about it, but then didn't want to end my lovely relationship with my best friend just to potentially try out other things which would
quite likely not be as good!

We were living far apart and made the effort to throw ourselves into uni life and make time for each other and studying. I was on quite an intense course but you do make time for what's important. Now DH proposed in my first year and we were married before I graduated.

I don't think I would have taken too much advice from my parents!

I think my point is that anything can happen. It may fizzle out, it may not, some
people decide to end it. I think you just need to be supportive.

I am glad however that DH and I didn't see each other for the first few weekends.

Out of my circle of acquaintances:

More came in a relationship than didn't

I only know 2 people still in the relationship they were in when they began uni, can probably think of at least 20 or 30 who aren't

I know of 2 couples who both came to this uni. Both ended spectacularly badly (one couple were in the same flat, which was horrible for them and everyone else living there) and the others were in the same accommodation but different blocks, which still wasn't great, but not so bad.

Definitely avoid living together, if it goes wrong there's no escape and friends will ultimately end up on one side or another, no matter how much they were all friends to begin with.

I would definitely second the recommendation that they don't live together at least to start with though.

"I don't think I would have taken too much advice from my parents!" Think you're right there, Cousin.

Thanks for all these thoughts...the more the merrier...

Dd is in her 2nd year at uni and it still in a relationship with her bf she met in yr 12. He is still living at home and in employment and the relationship is still going strong. Bf goes up to visit her 2 and half hour journey about every other weekend which helps. She has made a lot of friends at uni both on her course and through the chapel on campus.

They both have long term plans and dd intends to come and live at her home after uni while she does a PGCE.

Niether DD1 or 2 were in an relantionship when they started uni, DD1 met her now husband while she was at uni, DD2 is 22 and I don't think she has a boyfriend although she is friends with a few boys.