Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

Original poster

I bet you're very proud?

17 replies

NewLife4Me · 12/11/2015 14:23

I am posting on here because not wanting to sound like boasting and believe this the right place.

How do you answer this when you hear it sometimes several times a day.
I know that lots of children have talents and are able in lots of subjects.

I just used to say yes and also if the people had children performing too would mention them and say how well they'd done too etc.
I'm sure it's just me but sometimes I get embarrassed and stuck for words and this must come across very rude.

I suppose I'm proud in my own way and tell dd in private sometimes, but I don't want to go around admitting to it especially if dd is there too.

What do you say and do you get embarrassed too. It really is making me anxious while I'm out and about, people come up and just say it out of the blue.

They always seem to want more too, so I can't just say yes, or yes thank you they look as if to say continue or start asking questions.
Then you must be very proud again.

What can I do to stop being embarrassed and appearing rude. I'm sure people sometimes think they've put their foot in it as I go silent after the initial statement.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 12/11/2015 14:27

I would smile and say "Yes, she works so hard" or "He really enjoys doing xxx" or some similar comment that is talking more about my DC than my pride IYSWIM.

Original poster
NewLife4Me · 12/11/2015 14:31

Thanks what would you say if they probed for more?
Sometimes, more often than not I do know the people and don't want to be brisque and say, I must be going etc.
I do like talking to people and usually would consider my communication skills as good in this area, but this really stumps me.
Sometimes I feel the nerves building up, and feel really silly as this isn't me.

I think maybe subconsciously I'm scared of coming across as a big head
"oh you know my dd, is super talented" etc.

My dh can't believe it of me, he's so surprised I'm struggling with this.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 12/11/2015 14:36

They don't usually probe for more IME
Sometimes I head off a conversation by asking how their DC is doing in an activity I know they enjoy, or about a holiday or whatever gets them talking about themselves again.
But if they had a specific question about something, I would try to answer. So if they wanted to know about how much time training took up, I'd try to give them a realistic answer.
Are you being grilled by strangers? That must be hard to deal with.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/11/2015 14:37

And if they are a stranger, so what if you do admit to having a super talented DD? Enjoy the positive comments and make sure DD knows her hard work hasn't gone unnoticed.

user789653241 · 12/11/2015 14:57

My impression is, if the talent is related to music/sport/art etc, people don't mind so much about telling them how proud you are. I hear a lot of parents commenting how great their children are at something, and nobody seems to think badly of you. I think it's great.

Academics on the other hand, is a very difficult subject. I can't talk about my ds's ability in real life, and if someone asks me, and if I don't know them well, I feel like I want to scurry away.

YippeeTeenager · 12/11/2015 15:10

I know exactly how you feel! I've really struggled with this too. You can't say 'oh yes, she's absolutely brilliant, so clever!' as that puts you in a dreadful boasting place. But you can't say nothing either, and if you just say 'thanks' it falls really flat and it's not really your compliment to take anyway. I'm always kicking myself because I get flustered and end up trying to deflect it with something like, 'oh yes, she's amazing at maths, but I wish she was as good at tidying her bedroom, you should see the state of it!' And half the time the put downs aren't even true and they really aren't fair on DD. I don't honestly know why people are so curious and what they want to hear but I guess the 'yes, she really loves xx and she works so hard' is the best bet. Sometimes I've added 'it will be interesting to see what she ends up doing' as that moves the conversation on and then you can reciprocate by asking what their kids want to do when they are older - it levels it out again.

var123 · 12/11/2015 15:13

I find myself stuck for words when people say things that include a throwaway comment about Ds1 or Ds2's abilities. e.g. Someone said to me recently, that they knew their Dd was in the top set when they heard that DS2 was in their class.

I've no idea how to answer with humility at those times because they aren't really talking about my DC. They are talking about their DC.

However, if they say it more directly, I can make a joke of it or return the compliment by mentioning something that their child is good at, which doesn't have to be academic, or even a school subject. Maybe it might be just being good at speaking to adults or having a very calm approach to life.

Original poster
NewLife4Me · 12/11/2015 16:33

var

That must be really hard and probably similar comment to parents of children who did the same choirs and ensembles as dd.

What is particularly hard to answer is when they say it in front of dd with a smile at dd. It's lovely but if I say yes, I'm afraid that dd might get the impression that she should do it to make people proud, not because she wants to.
I rarely tell her I'm proud, but always tell her she's done well and congratulate her. I even buy her flowers Sad if she's had a big solo, but proud isn't very often.

There are some lovely suggestions for responses Thanks It's also good to know I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 12/11/2015 16:41

I'm the embarrassing mum - " yes I'm very proud , she does work so hard " etc with a comment to dd that she needs to watch he ears I the door frame !
Fortunately none of the kids are big headed or boastful except to each other - dd2 will rub in to dd1 if she " beats her" eg getting into the school chamber choir a year before eldest ( who also got in a year before the other girls!) but with a 6yr age gap it's fine as eldest has moved on so far it doesn't matter !

FloweryPowery · 16/11/2015 22:18

Agree with Yippee, it's easy to say something derogatory and that's not fair.

It's maybe easier with DS because he is only exceptional at maths. I tend to say "yes, he really does enjoy his maths, he's a bit obsessed! What's Annabel into at the moment?"

Worriedandlost · 17/11/2015 01:07

I would say "they all have their talents" (I think I read this on mumsnet :))

ragged · 17/11/2015 22:07

I try to be factual, like "Yes she is a good speller-reader-runner-scientist-X", "Yes I'm glad for her that she is doing well" and move the conversation on. Mixed success.

ohlittlepea · 17/11/2015 22:14

I think most parents are proud of their children :) I think I'd just say "yes, she so enjoys....isn't it wonderful watching children grow." Or something like that :)

Iwantakitchen · 19/11/2015 11:43

Why many times a day? By whom? Do you just hang out with other parents at the school? Is this at drop off and pick up? Why don't you enquirer about their child when someone says that?

If and when (I have to admit, I have rarely had that kind of comments despite having one G&T child and one very good at school child) I always say yes, and how is Charlie doing? He was really good at concert/football/sports day/assembly last week?

Just turn the conversation around and ask about their child, and take the opportunity to congratulate them...

user789653241 · 19/11/2015 12:17

Over the years I realized there are 3 different kinds of people who comment about my DS's ability.

1: They know he is good, but don't know how good, so fishing for clues/ or they just want to talk about their dc.

2: Parents of ds's friends who want to find out what we do, so they can help their dcs.

3: Just genuinely nice people who just want to celebrate other children's achievement.

I normally try to answer as sincerely as possible to NO2 and 3

Nervousmoggy · 19/11/2015 12:33
  1. My experience is that if the other people have children themselves, they often rather resent your child being talented, whereas theirs maybe is not. So tread carefully - don't say anything at all boastful, and move the conversation on to their children or something different. Never start the conversation about your child's abilities.
  2. Bear in mind that children who are good at performing get a lot of compliments and praise, whereas many other children will have great talents which are less visible and celebrated, but may be even more worthwhile.
  3. I've found that as the talented child becomes a teenager people more and more address these compliments direct to the child, rather than talking to the parent. Also, as the child gets older, however good they are, they are not seen as being as special as they were when they were a talented younger child.
  • In other words, you may find that your problem is a short-lived one. You'll also probably find out that however good a musician your DC is, that will not easily translate to being able to make a good living. Musicians are expected to delight for free!
user789653241 · 19/11/2015 12:42

Great post, Nervousmoggy

New posts on this thread. Refresh page