Oh My Bloody God. That's It. I'm Getting The Breadknife Out!

[EccentricaGallumbats]

Time for some home surgery?

or maybe a real Dr. i can't stand it any more. The whole bloody lot is ging to have to go.

what in particular are you intending to carve off?

I'm going for all internal bits from lungs down. although bladdar not a bother - it mayjust get in the way.

Just hack it all out and be done with it. It's the best way.

how much wine will i need for anaesthetic? is there a wine : weight ratio thing?

I'd say you should go for a bottle and a half. Drink it quite fast, but not fast enough to make yourself sick.

Alternatively, if you want to make it look legitinmately medical, get a box of Namaqua Soft Red, hack open the cardboard, pull out the bag, and mount it on a cobbled-together "drip stand" with a length of piping coming out of it and taped to the side of your face.

IV wine would probably cancel out the need for the home surgery.
the codeine isn't working.
may have to go to bed with HWB and bottle of Red.

Bed is usually my default option. Might crawl off there myself to hide from hideous job dilemma and worry about why my wee smells absolutely bizarre at the moment.

and now i think i might be having a heart attack.

FFS, it never rains but it bloody pours, doesn't it?

Or it may be a pulmonary embolism, related to the DVT I have going in my right thigh.

or maybe just that codeine really doesn't agree with me.

It sounds like an embolism to me. Perhaps you should call NHS Direct?