Stool sample novice ... How?

[TMIspecimenneeded]

For the first time in my adult life, I have to give a stool sample.

Excuse my utter green-ness in this area, but how the chuff do I get it from here to in there without making an unholy mess?
And, how much is needed?

Boaking at the thought of carrying it around and then having to hand it to the doctors receptionist too!

Sorry, meant to say I wouldn't make a paper nest in the loo - you don't want toilet water / germs getting on it incase it messes up the test results. And enough loo paper to ensure that doesn't happen is likely to block the loo!